-
Preggy update: Husbands are sometimes right too
Preggy update: I’ve been especially hard on myself the past few days. Why? Well, mainly because I am STILL pregnant and I don’t know how to make it stop! If you recall from my previous posts, my doc would like to induce me later this week because this kid is a giant and I really want to give birth naturally. So, for the past few days, I’ve been trying out old housewives remedy’s and modern mama theory’s to try to get baby Jo to make an appearance. And still nothing. -
Do you keep your friend’s secrets from your husband?
I’ve only been married for a few seconds (give or take 4 years) but few things have baffled me about marriage the way this dilemma does: Should I be telling my husband my friend’s secrets? We know that marriage is built on foundations of trust, mutual respect and open communication. But is there a line that must be drawn when it comes to sharing information with your spouse? Wives, please tell me, do you keep your friend’s secrets from your husband? -
Dissecting my role as a stepmom
According to some movies, the stereotypical stepmother is usually someone reminiscent of the ‘Wicked Witch of the West’. Well, I’ve been a stepmom to my stepson for about 3 years now – and in his life for about 8 – and I’d like to think that my witch tendencies are at a minimum. Mind you, it’s not always easy to be a supplementary mom to a kid who already has a very present, hands on mom. In fact, what is my role as a stepmom anyways? Besides for being married to the kids dad, I mean. And how do you avoid overstepping boundaries?
Look, its a no brainer, blended families are more predominant in this day and age, that’s for sure. And with it comes the challenge of making it work, while keeping all parties happy and the development of the child on the forefront. Some of things that I’ve found works for me (well, I hope it’s working!) is:
1. I don’t interfere
This is a hard task to see through, especially when you have a spreadsheet brain and a gazillion other children of your own. But I have found my greatest reward in having Hubstopher allow me and Kyle’s dad to “parent” our son together as much as we can. It is with this same respect that I allow Hubstopher and my stepson’s mom to parent their son together. I’m talking about giving them space to make those hard decisions and discuss the best way forward for the kid. Look, if you’re putting your ego into this, you’re probably not doing it right. As a stepmom I want the best for the kid. And sometimes that means I need to keep my mouth shut.2. I don’t expect anything in return
The thing about being a parent – whether it be step or bio, adopted or in-law – is that it’s a selfless job to take on. I’m not out here waiting for a round of applause after I’ve changed my daughter’s diapers or cooked my son a meal. Why should it be any different for my stepson? And if I want recognition, who best to get it from than the kid himself? I don’t need a pat on the back from family or friends or the parenting community of the world. Your pat on the back can’t buy me food or Steri Stumpies.
3. I don’t compare
If you’re comparing your stepchild to your bio child, and wondering why the one can’t be more like the other, I’ve got news for you: Each child is different, even if they came from the same womb. Kyle is stubbornly independent, whereas Seth can be a bit more clingy. But I attribute that to their personalities and characteristics. Each child is to be celebrated. Creating comparisons, even if just in your head, opens a door for negative thinking. Red alert, stepmom: avoid that stinking thinking bug! Pretty soon a thought turns into a feeling and a feeling into a deep rooted issue and before you know it, you’re the ‘Wicked Witch of the West’. Not a good look.4. I don’t try to be the “cool” parent
As a step parent you often wonder if the kid even likes you. And yes, you could go about doing things to please them and get on their good side. But guess what, I have rules in my home and those rules apply to ALL our children. I don’t need you to like me and I don’t need you to think that I am the coolest parent. Why? Because I want you to grow up to be a really amazing human being, that’s why. If any of our kids think I suck for not allowing them to stay up till 3am to play XBox, oh well. They’ll get over it. (Analyses based on a true story.) There are other people in my life who think I am exceptionally cool. I’ll be okay.5. I don’t assume the role of Mother
I’m not the kids mother. That’s that. I will always do my best to include him in everything but for me to expect him to treat me as if I am the first lady in his life is absolutely ludicrous. I do understand that there are situations where the bio mom is not present, and I totally get the beauty in having a stepmom take over that role. In my situation, this is not the case and that’s okay too! In fact, when Mother’s Day comes around I expect him to honor his OWN mom. Not getting chocolates or flowers or a handwritten card won’t devalue my role, as stepmom, in his life. I wouldn’t mind a nice cup of tea though. In fact, I want a cup of tea right now actually. Someone?With all of this said, allow me to reiterate that I am NOT perfect. I am a work in progress! Our family has its own set of challenges and bumpy roads to overcome. But hey, I’m sure every family does – no matter what ‘family’ looks like to you.
What are your thoughts on the topic, ladies? We’re all learning here. Are you a stepmother? Have you found ways to make your relationship with your stepchild work? Please share them with us!
-
When you’re dating a single mom…
I was a single mom for a good chunk of my adult life. If you recall, I gave birth to my boy when I was about 19 years old. His dad and I split up soon thereafter. Being a single mom has it’s highs and lows. But I found that one of the biggest challenges was dating. Yep, dating a single mom: it’s complicated!
For starters, there’s a whole other life to think about, which is sometimes hard for guys to understand. Single mom does not mean “single heart”. In fact, there should be an unspoken rule of the universe: Never break a single mom’s heart!
As a single mom, you have so much to consider – a deeper sense of responsibility and demand. There is simply no time to play relationship games or nurse a broken heart. You are everything to your child! And, as a functioning parent, planning what’s for supper, how to make a human skeleton out of toothpicks and making sure that there are clean shirts for school, seriously takes priority over ‘crying yourself to sleep because he broke up with you AGAIN’.
With that said, gentlemen, when you play mind games with a single mother you are messing with more than just one heart. If you’ve been fortunate enough to be around her kid/s, you kind of have a responsibility to not treat their mom like an old shoe. I’m not saying force yourself to make it work – but heyo, be a gentleman. Having manners is for free. Bow out respectfully and hey, better yet, if you’re not in it to win it, then don’t tap in at all. Do you know what sucks worse than a broken heart? Having to tell your kid why Uncle So-and-So didn’t greet him at the shopping mall today. Kids don’t get it. And they most certainly don’t deserve it.
And if she doesn’t allow just anyone around her kid, that’s okay too! You know the kid is there. They exist. They aren’t going anywhere. Don’t make senseless, selfish demands, as if she has all the time in the world to spend with you. You are not her everything. Maybe you can claim a top spot on her list of priorities one day when you put a ring on it . But until then, recognize that this amazing super woman has a lot more than you on her mind. Encourage her, support her and applaud her.
And anyways, breaking up is harder when you’re a single parent. You don’t have the freedom to take your mood out on those around you – because chances are “those around you” are your kids. You don’t get to lie in bed for days on end, refusing to function because the hurt is unbearable. And you don’t have the space to allow ‘drama’ into your world. Your child’s stability comes first. Your baby’s mental and emotional well being is more important.
What worked for me? Well, I met an amazing man who was interested in being my friend FIRST, which made room for us (my son and I) to befriend him as a family. This guy took the time to get to know us, as a unit and individually, and he genuinely cared. No strings attached! No promises! No demands! I ended up marrying him.
So maybe you’re a single mom and you don’t want to sound like a desperate, needy “I’m not dating unless it’s serious” kind of girl. But hey, guess what, treating your heart (and your children’s lives) with the highest respect, IS serious business. You are a package – a bonus deal, if you will. It’s a beautiful thing! Treat it as such and you will unconsciously give others permission to do that too.
Disclaimer: I’m not saying that single mom’s hearts deserve more looking after than that of other women’s. We should all be treated with dignity and respect. But this one is for the babymamas.
-
10 budget-friendly, kid-friendly, life-friendly Valentine’s Day ideas
If you have a lot of kids and limited budgets (like we do) celebrating Valentine’s Day becomes something you watch other people do. Not that we’re sitting over here, moping around about not being able to spend copious amounts of money on gifts, suppers and flowers. But I do love that there’s a day to celebrate LOVE and all the mushy that comes with it. Surely there are ways to make your special one feel, well, special, without serenading them from a helicopter? Well, there are! Here are 10 budget-friendly, kid-friendly, life-friendly Valentine’s Day ideas to remind your partner that they are loved on Feb 14th (and any other day too!)
Lunchbox love
If your person takes a lunchbox to work, you could surprise them by getting up super early and making their favorite lunch. (I’m not saying go gourmet chef on them, but put a little thought into it.) Top it off with a love note and pop it into their bag without them knowing what you’ve just done, you super sleuthy love muffin you! You’re sure to get heart eyed emoticons sent to your Whatsapp later!
Love in a cup
Hubstopher’s favorite Valentine’s gift from me is a really cute mug I found (on special, at some grocery store somewhere). It says “Good morning handsome”. I think he quite likes being called handsome. That, and it’s a really LARGE mug, which does well for his coffee-holicism. Why not get your special someone a novelty mug (there are really inexpensive ones at your local grocers) and fill it with choccies (Smarties or Whispers would make me go aaack!), wrap it up with some cellophane and Bob’s your uncle.Romantic texts
Send them a mushy text/email every hour, on the hour, for the whole day! Run out of things to say? How about a ‘reasons why I love you’ theme. And wives, make those texts as steamy as you dare to. Yep, I know. Genius. You could take it one step further and send a photo slideshow or collage, complete with soppy music, to their inbox. Guaranteed to bring all the feels (and you didn’t have to spend a cent or get a babysitter).Make a mixed tape
Compile a list of your favorite songs on a CD. Don’t forget to complete the gift with a hand made CD sleeve! (Make it extra special by writing down a special message underneath each song, on the CD sleeve.)Mushy gift pack
Put together a sentimental gift pack complete with soppy little trinkets that sends the message: I love you! Clue: photo key-rings (remember those?). Or how about a nom-worthy gift pack filled with all their favorite snacks?
Message in a jar
Another cute idea is to write little love notes (as many as you’d like!) and pop them into a jar for your partner to enjoy whenever they need to be reminded of how loved they are.Hand made cards
Dig out your children’s art supplies and get creative on a special hand made Valentine’s Day card, for your loved one. Channel your inner primary school kid to cut out hearts, draw colorful borders and (this is a must) pen a romantic poem written just for your love! (Bonus points if you add their name to the poem. Double bonus points if it rhymes.)Coupon book
You could be extra cute and make a little coupon book filled with tasks and rewards that your loved one can claim whenever they want! Try to get a good mix of mushy AND practical. (i.e. I would love a ‘back rub coupon’ but I would also love a ‘night off coupon’ to just veg on the couch)
Next level ‘heart attack’
Remember the ‘relationship month’ heart attack idea I gave you, to spoil your family? You could take it to the next level by hiding love-note bedecked hearts all over the house and car, for your loved one to find.Just tell ’em!
Oh and this one’s for free: Simply TELL them that “hey, I think you’re cute and I really love and appreciate you, babe!” Nothing tops sincerity and an open heart. And you can do that any day of the year. Cool, right?And there you have it folks! Please, let me know what you ended up doing for your special one, on Valentine’s Day.
-
Books that help you keep your marriage lit
Yes, I referenced the word “lit” in my heading.It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married for, when February comes around you’re kinda hoping that something special will go down on the 14th. Fire! Explosions! Dynamite! Okay, calm down, maybe not fire. I mean, with all the logistics we need to deal with – and by logistics, I mean children – getting any sort of “marital burning” going on comes with its own challenges. So I’d settle for a small flame, even. But the beautiful thing about marriage is that you have your whole lives together to get (and keep) those sparks flying. It is with this in mind that I pulled out these 3 great reads for relationship month. And yes, I’m giving some away, in case you’d want to, you know, keep your marriage lit, and stuff. The 14th of February is just one day. And I’d like to have my marriage around a bit longer than that (try: forever). How about you?
-
Dear husband, you’re not doing a good job…
Dear husband, you’re not doing a good job right now. I mean, not that I would ever tell you. And why should I? You should just know these things.
Things like knowing that: If I reply to your message with ‘K’ then I’m probably NOT “okay”. And my clipped, “whatever” and “do it if you want”, probably means I DON’T want you to do it. But you should easily pick that up. I mean, you should just know.
You should also know that when you sit in front of your computer for hours (the fact that it’s work related is not the point here, husband), my
deathintense stares probably mean that I need a little bit of attention. Yes, years later and I still get needy sometimes. Not that I would tell you.In fact, I shouldn’t HAVE to tell you that I dislike it when you get more excited about soccer than my latest work/friend/child-related saga update. I should be the only excitement in your life. And seriously, I don’t have to tell you that when I reference a giant, pink, cupcake on social media, it probably means that you need to show me your undying devotion by finding me said giant cupcake. (It has to be pink too.) I mean, why should I tell you. You should just know.
Husband, if you were doing a good job, then why didn’t you notice my freshly styled hair last week? Okay, I admit it’s still the same length. And still the same color. But it was “freshly styled” and you didn’t notice. Not doing a good job at all. If you were doing a good job you would’ve complimented me on the exquisite way I did my eye make up on Sunday. It looked SO good. I know this because Estelle, at church, noticed. But you didn’t. And no, I didn’t think to mention it to you because you should just know. Why should I tell you?
If you were doing a good job you would’ve stepped out of your mythical “nothing box” (which I don’t understand or believe in) and picked up that I wanted a foot rub, the other day, when I took my shoes off and sighed really loudly. Or that I needed you to rub my back when I walked into the kitchen semi-groaning, holding on to my fragile parts. I didn’t tell you because I figured that you should just know!
I mean, husband, if you were so amazing at being a husband, you would’ve known that I expected you to hold my hand the other morning when that old love jam played on the radio. Sure, I could have held yours… but, honestly, I expected you to make the first move. You should just know, duh. Just like you should have picked up that I wanted to watch a romantic movie, last Friday, when the kids went to bed early. But I would never, ever tell you that. Why should I?
In fact, why do I need to tell you anything at all? Husbands should just know. I’m not saying read my mind. But you’re my husband now so that means that you basically have to. Doesn’t it come with the package? So something’s not right here. I know I’m being rational. So it’s probably you. Not that I would tell you. You should just know.
Disclaimer: My hubstopher isn’t really all that bad, but yes, I’ll admit that I can be a bit loony toons on occasion. (The hormones, blame the hormones). Wife, girlfriend, do you get this way sometimes? I think that we are all faced with various levels of challenges when it comes to communication. Yes, even you Super Wife, shaking your head at me. I often have to remind myself to SAY SOMETHING instead of expecting this guy (who is probably really sitting in his “nothing box”) to know what I want.
-
Give your family a “heart attack”
I love that February has been dubbed “relationship month”. I mean, if you’re not into Valentines Day and all the drama that goes with it, you are redeemed from the chocolates and red roses assault and can STILL enjoy the “month of love” by celebrating ALL the relationships in your life. It is with this in mind that I fell in love (pardon the pun) with the Valentines Day “Heart Attack” idea. Yep, I want you to give your family a “heart attack”. There, I said it.
This past Sunday, our wonderful Kingdom Kids children’s church at my home church, Word of Faith, sent home ziplock baggies filled with colorful paper hearts and the following instruction: “Starting Feb 1st, until Valentines Day, put a new heart on your kids door with a reason why you love them!”
I thought this was a brilliant idea for many reasons:
1. I am trying to develop a culture of speaking positivity and life over my kids. A “pick up your socks, why are you so lazy?!” speaking habit is such an easy trap to fall into. Our words have the power to build!
2. It IS the month of celebrating relationships anyways and why should that be limited to romantic partnerships? My children are important too!
3. It’s always a good time to let your children know why and how much you love them!
4. Let’s be honest, I’m not a craft mom and I probably never will be (because: lazy). This task seems easy enough and the reward is worth it!If you’re looking to spoil your husband, you could do something similar (I would probably not stick it on our bedroom door though – I mean, who knows what these hearts could potentially say! If you know what I mean. *cough*). My brain wave is to have a romantic suggestion written behind, for him to cash in. A heart voucher, of sorts. How clever am I?Okay, I’m not really clever. Well, I am… but not in this instance. So, a big thank you to our wonderful Kingdom Kids leaders, for taking this fantastic initiative! (BTW they attribute it back to website Skip To My Lou.)
What will you be doing for your loved one/family this February?
-
Aack! We’re having a baby!
We’re having a baby! That’s right! Hubstopher and I will officially be parenting a collective of 4 children, as of next year June-ish. AAACK! How did that happen?! Well, I’m sure you all know how it ‘happened’. *awkward silence* -
To Hubstopher, on his birthday
Today the man that I call Hubstopher celebrates a birthday. To him it’s just another day. To me, it’s a reason to celebrate his life and all that he means to us. You see, the thing is this, he often disregards all the wonderful attributes that make him unique and wonderful to me… things like being able to forgive someone who wronged him 5 minutes ago or offering to give someone a ride home, even when he is utterly exhausted or can’t afford it. Stuff like that. Being able to put another persons needs before yours may seem like the trait of a meek personality, but in my opinion it is one of the bravest, boldest characteristics to have.
He has a lot of friends… so many that we almost had 10 groomsmen in our wedding party. People enjoy being around him. He’s the guy who would stop to chat, in the middle of a shopping mall. (When I’m trying to bob and weave past people, because I have things to do!) He loves people! And he’s good at making them feel loved.
He is super, duper creative and an excellent musician. This guy can play more instruments than I have grey hair (so that’s like, a lot) and he is a top notch producer. He is extremely smart and most times would play his brilliance down, because he always feels like there is so much more to still learn and do.
My Hubstopher is the guy who would say “Okay, how can I fix it” if a complication arises. And if someone walks all over him he shrugs his shoulders and defends “ag, it’s okay.” Not because he is to weak to fight back. But rather because he is to smart to fight back. And hey, real talk, I sometimes don’t understand it and try to force him to stand his ground. But to him it’s just a whole lot of work doing something that is not going to give the right results. He always chooses peace, over ‘being right’. That’s wisdom right there.
My Hubstopher is the guy who would give up his last because he is that confident that God will provide his next. He’s the guy who laughs at the dumbest things (seriously, sometimes I’m just over here like “whaaa?”) but he’s also the guy that would shed a tear, quietly, when a friend loses a parent.
And hey, don’t get me wrong… the guy’s not perfect. He has his flaws – we all do. He’s made mistakes. But his finer qualities far outweigh his weaknesses, in my opinion. And in times of struggle, I’ve seen him choose life, over and over again.
My Hubstopher is a wonderful father to our kids. He loves our daughter so fiercely that she’ll probably still believe that she is a beautiful princess, way into her 20s. And it would be true. Our sons adore the living daylights out of him. Sometimes, I’m just over here like… “you guys know I’m one of your parents too, right?” He sees them all as unique and gives them exactly what they need, emotionally.One of my favorite things about him is that he gives so much of himself to my son, even when Kyle has an attitude. Instead of being an angry step father, he’ll look Kyle straight in the eye and say “Kyle, I love you and I only want what’s best for you.” He also has an undeniable bond with his own son. The boys adore him. He is more than okay that Seth has a step dad… another dad… in his life. He sees it as a bonus that there are 2 strong, Godly men in Seth’s life, shaping and influencing him. That says so much about his character.
He is gentle and passive but also extremely passionate about the things that are important to him. I probably don’t say this enough but I am so thankful for him. My man allows me to shine my light, without getting jealous or insecure about it. In fact, he’s the one who pushes me to shine brighter!
Happy Birthday to my Christopher – he’s the best of the best, he’s the greatest! 🙂 #mushymoment *andscene*
