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“Being married sucks!” I told him
The other night, while in heated debate (let’s call it a heated debate, okay?) with my Hubstopher about something so mundane I can’t even remember what the topic was anymore, I said to him “I don’t know WHY people want to get married! Being married sucks!”
Yes, I said those words. Mainly to shock him into saying that he was wrong this whole time and that he can’t believe he has such a wonderful, beautiful wife. Instead, he fumed off and we didn’t speak to each other for the longest time.
Until it was bed time. Ah yes, then everything changed.
Why? Well, dear readers, because it’s Winter. And if ever there is a time that married folk enjoy the fact that they are married, it’s during those chilly Winter evenings. (Husbands and wives, hollar!) So that night, we got into bed (I promise, I’m keeping this post PG13) still angry, staying as far away from each other as possible, silently daring the other to as much as put a small toe on the wrong side of the bed! This lasted for all of 10 minutes until I felt Hubstopher slowly make his way over to my side. He snuggled up behind me and breathed a content sigh of “ahhhh, now I can sleep”.And that’s when I roundhouse kicked him, in the face, back to his side of the bed.
Bhaaaa who am I kidding, I let him snuggle. Nah, I snuggled right on back!As I lay there savoring the moment and falling asleep to the rhythm of his silent snores, I thought to myself: THIS is why people get married. Not for the companionship or the body heat. Though, those are definite pluses. No, you get married because you love this other person so much, that even if they made you super angry an hour ago, none of it would matter at the end of the day. Your marriage becomes your safe place and no matter how much your husband annoys the living daylights out of you (how does that work? I mean, what is living daylights anyways?) nothing is more important than having a right relationship with him and nothing beats having him snuggle up behind you at night.
So yes, marriage has it’s sucky times. Especially after you’ve had a baby, and everything changes, including your level of patience! (You can read more about that in an article I wrote for Lady Qs). Yep, marriage has it’s difficult moments where compromising feels like the worst idea in the world and having your way is the ONLY right way. It can get challenging when this other person does things differently to how you would. But it is there, in the mess of trying to make two completely different people live as one – in unity because they CHOOSE to be – where you will find the absolute sweet spot of a good marriage.
Needless to say, we woke up the next morning, and the heated debate had become a distant memory… unimportant… exactly what it was in the first place.
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Are you embracing your inner ‘psycho girlfriend’?
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably had your fair share of relationship dramatics. I mean, I don’t want to exaggerate or anything, but I’m convinced that my love life could, totally, be a whole season of 7de Laan. And hey, this is no shade thrown at my ex boyfriends. It’s not all their fault. I’ll admit, I’ve displayed psycho girlfriend tendencies on more than one occasion too (remember 7de Laan’s Tarryn?).
When I say “psycho girlfriend tendencies” I’m speaking about those feelings of ‘unloved’ or ‘unwanted’ or ‘not good enough’ one picks up after being hurt.
We all show signs of it on different levels. It can manifest itself in the forms of depression, low self-esteem, mistrust, manipulation or anger and it certainly makes you wonder if jumping into that relationship is such a good idea, after all. I mean, why risk entering a long-term commitment with the WRONG one, if it means toying with your emotional and mental stability?
Now I’m not here to make excuses, friends, but this is the reason why I plan to dissuade my kids from jumping from relationship to relationship. A string of failed relationships is the breeding ground for insecurities and perceptions that are probably as far from the truth as Tarryn and a GHD is. It is these very same negative perceptions that influence how you respond in your next relationship and eventually your marriage. AAACK.
Test the waters, they say. It’ll be good for you, they say.
Well, if I could go back in time and undo all the damage brought on by being in the wrong relationships, I would in a heart beat. (Sorry ex boyfriends. It’s not you, it’s me.) Please take this as a reminder that it’s okay to NOT be ready for that relationship. No matter how cute he is when he laughs.
My advice to you is to wait until you are ready. Have your deal breakers in place and be on high alert for those warning bells. Don’t give the ‘psycho girlfriend tendencies’ opportunity to manifest in your life! You hear me?! Whenever you contemplate giving your singledom away, for an unconfirmed frollick in the sun, picture me, with a police siren on my head and a loudspeaker to my mouth saying: “Step away from the ‘psycho girlfriend.’ I repeat. Step away from the ‘psycho’!”
At the end of the day, being happy – and I mean, truly happy – is an inside job. Find the one that complements you… not the one that completes you. Unless you’re into the whole psycho girlfriend vibe. In which case ignore this whole blog post.
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Mother’s Day is for Mothers
Mother’s Day is around the corner (Sunday, 8th May, to be exact) and while I am aware that I am a mother (and have been one for a very long time) I have yet to earn the perks that come with a Mother’s Day. The simple reason is that my mom and Hubstopher’s mom is still around (and very much kicking) and so the Mother’s Day celebration quota gets evenly distributed between the two of them, leaving nothing but a Sunday school handmade gift for me (sniff sniff sob sob). Not that I mind. Those Sunday school gifts are usually very charming. But this year, I’m like, you know what? I want some Mother’s Day celebrations too!
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Hubstopher’s near death experience
Have I told you guys about Hubstopher’s near death experience? No? Gasp! Well, girlfriend, grab a chair, you need to sit down for this one! This story has become our party trick – you know, the story we share at parties, when everyone’s doing “show and tell”. Hubstopher loves telling it to people simply because of the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. It goes a little something ilke this:
One day, a couple of years before we got married (when Hubstopher was still Christopher) he asked me to get all dressed up, because he wanted to take me out. Normally I wouldn’t freak out about a dinner date but the dude specifically told me to “wear heels”. It immediately sparked my attention because he prefers me to wear flats and be comfortable. Being the rational, sane, female that I am, an immediate thought crossed my mind: “It’s about to go dowwwwwn! He’s going to propose!! AAAACK!!!”
Now, the thing about knowing when your man is going to propose is that you have to remember to be selfless and act as if you were not expecting it 😉 So that’s what I did! Well, I first (OBZ) had to tell my closest friends that homeboy ’bout to put a ring on it (okay, I don’t actually speak like that in real life) and then I got dressed in my recently purchased best, donned a pair of heels, applied make up and spritzed some perfume. I said a thank you to the heavens that my nails had recently been done because hello engagement ring photos. When Chris picked me up, he looked especially dashing and had a twinkle in his eye and I could tell that he appreciated the “extra care” I had put into looking good, that night.
We took a long drive and ended up at a really fancy shmancy restaurant. I swear when we got there the doorman looked at us as if he had been waiting for us… It was a set up! He knew something I did not know! Aaack! The waiter showed us to what appeared to be a specially thought out table, in the corner, where a freshly lit candle had aptly been waiting to welcome us. We sit down and I stare across at Chris, wondering how he was going to propose and what I was going to say. The restaurant wasn’t as full, so I knew not to expect a full on, everyone clapping hands, kind of reaction when he went down on his knee. I was prepared for it. But I wasn’t prepared. You know? Like, somewhere inbetween nervous and excited.
Anyways, Chris cooly opens his menu (mine was laying down in front of me) and scans the detail. For someone who usually is an energy ball, he was keeping his composure like an expert. I was super impressed! He then gestured to me, to open my menu. And that’s when it dawned on me… the ring was probably inside the menu!!! AAACK! Hot flushes, cold sweats, goosebumps on goosebumps, freaking out on the inside, keeping my cool on the outside…
He said: “Open your menu, and see what’s inside.”
I replied: “No, no thank you.” Because nerves.
He urged: “Please… open your menu… I want to show you something…”
I responded: “…uhhh… okay… ” I opened the menu, slowly, turning the cover back, to reveal the blank first page. What witchcraft is this? My heart could not take anymore!He encouraged: “Turn the page, it’s on the other side.”
I replied: “No, I really don’t want to!” I was scared. It was that realization that this could be it! My palms were sweaty and I felt a smile twitching, but I held it back because I knew that he had put a lot of work into this and I wanted him to think that I truely was surprised.He asked again: “Please, will you check the menu?”
Right. This could be it! I flipped the first page over, to reveal…..
Nothing. No ring.I pointed out: “There’s nothing here.”
He replied: “Scroll down, and see what it says at the bottom. “And then it dawned on me: The guy had printed a special menu!
He probably had the words WILL YOU MARRY ME, engraved at the bottom! AACK!!!!
I scanned the menu, excitedly, looking for those magic words… and found:Still nothing. Hmmm…
I said: “There’s still nothing here.” Maybe I missed it?
He replied: “Look! Right at the bottom!….
They sell chicken livers here!”
And that’s how Christopher Williams almost lost his life.
Just joking! But I was pretty peeved off for the rest of the night and I couldnt even tell him why. Needless to say, the ring did not make an appearance that night.
He did, however, propose a while later, on a stage! And this time it really was a surprise! And a big one at that! But you can read more about it here 🙂 Ahhh my spreadsheet brain… the gift that keeps on giving.
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My week in pics: micro fashion, bridesmaid dresses and nail art
This week feels like someone literally took a drive down to a garbage dump, chose a few items, wrapped it up and wrote “Luchae’s week” on it. But then I check out my week in pics and realize that I am being an Aunty Moana – I am blessed, God is good and I have so much to be thankful for!
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Mom vs Dad: Who works harder?
Mom vs Dad: Who works harder? Okay, so, I know that it’s a pretty general question. I’m sure that there are a bunch of different responses that can come from it, since each person’s situation is unique. And the truth is I wouldn’t even be thinking these thoughts if I hadn’t just had the day that I’ve…uhh… just had. -
Marriage, weddings and saying yes to the dress
Wedding photos taken by Donna vd Watt Photography As I’ve mentioned before, a bunch of our friends (who happened to be part of our bridal party when we got married) have said yes to the dress and are also getting married now! I’d like to think that it was our inloveness that rubbed off on them. (Shameless credit hogging)
As friendship would have it, Chris and I have both been asked to be bridesmaid/groomsmen in these weddings, so it’s kinda taking me back into “wedding freak out” mode. In a good way. I love the excitement of weddings and the thought that 2 people are about to enter into a beautiful covenant together! Part of my wedding speech, to Chris, was that although I am sister, daughter, friend to many, I am wife to only ONE! Marriage is such a beautiful thing. Good job God, good job.
Anyways, so today I went with Risa to fit on her wedding dress and lo and behold what do I spot in the dressmakers shop? My wedding dress! AACK! I had it “made to hire” because really, what must I do with a
wedding dress after the wedding? Just seeing it hang there brought back sooo much memories and emotions.The pic doesn’t do the color justice. I had purposefully chosen a champagne/goldy dress because (besides for steering away from the conventional white) I wanted something that represented where Chris and I were at in our lives. I mean, it’s no secret that we had a kid each, going into this marriage. And for me, although God has restored like only He can, wearing all white simply did not symbolise exactly what He has done in my life. He took a dream that seemed to be broken and impossible and turned it into pure gold! This dress, in many ways, was me shedding the old and putting on new robes. It is a testament to how God is able to turn ashes into beauty.
And besides for all that spiritual stuff, I think that amidst all the wedding planning and preps, choosing your wedding dress and fitting it on for the very first time kinda gives you the best kind of “this is actually happening!” feeling. I obviously cried when I fit my dress on the first time (obviously) and I remember feeling like a princess in it.
Sigh
Don’t mind me, I’m just going to sit here and wallow in some nostalgia….
What is your wedding dress story, friends?
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What do you do when husband says no to the dress
I recently went dress shopping and spotted a bunch of seriously cute (and seriously short) dresses. (Who are they making these things for? The smurfs?!) There were a few decent picks but, when I tried them on, I knew that Hubstopher would not approve. Not that he regularly dresses me, I wear what I want. But when it comes to the length of my skirt or the inches of cleavage that I am showcasing, he prefers to have the final say. And I let him. But I wondered if I was wrong in doing so. What would you do when husband says no to the dress?
I chatted to a few close sister-friends and received some mixed emotions regarding the situation. Some shared that they don’t believe that your husband gets a say in what you wear. If you want the dress, then buy the dress. Other’s said that the marriage comes first and pleasing husband should be right up there on your list of important things to do.
After much conversating and debating, I ended up waiting for Hubstopher to give a thumbs up on the dress, and here’s why:
1. I think the idea behind being married is that you begin to share a life with someone else. The two of you make decisions together that would ultimately reflect in the type of lives you lead. Your decisions are also reflectant on who you are as a unit. As much as you are still an individual, you also represent each other now. (That’s why I iron his shirts ya’ll) If I wear something that makes him uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable.
2. I married someone that I love and can trust. I believe that his decisions will always be in our best interest and that he will always want the best for me. Knowing that makes it easy for me to accept his advice or critique as a message of concern and not manipulation or control.
3. Choosing a life partner is a pretty big deal and I had to choose wisely. I’ve put a lot of (healthy) expectation on this guy! (Don’t we all?) But with the “I do’s” came a huge responsibility on me too! Just like how I expect him to love and protect me, he expects me to honor and respect him. A friend told me that she will never ever dishonor her hubby in public (or in private, I guess) and that was such a powerful statement to me. If wearing that dress would make him feel dishonored then I’d rather ditch the dress. Like, for real, the dress is so not worth it.4. I believe what the Bible says about wives submitting to husbands. As a strong, modern woman, being a submissive wife is no easy task. We seem to think that submission is a sign of weakness. But it is the total opposite. I mean, no one said anything about being timid. Submission is not a sign of value, it is a reflection of character and humility. Submitting does not make him more important and me less important. Submitting means that I allow him to take the lead and it means that he has the stuff it takes to be the leader. Submitting doesn’t mean that I don’t get to have a say. As another clever friend explained, a healthy marriage means that the two of you are in agreement… So in this case, I agree with his decision.
5. And finally, let me just keep it real, if homeboy made me wear polo-neck tops during the peak of Summer, then I would be a bit concerned. But, the fact that he only speaks up on the rare occasion, makes me sit up and listen! This is the husband of my youth and I plan to take what he says seriously until the day that I can’t remember who he is anymore.
(By the way, it turns out he liked the dress anyways! Go figure!)
So, ladies, what is your take on the topic? Would you wear it even after husband said no to the dress? -
My week in pics: Weddings, Dresses and Growing Up
As far as these things go, this week has been especially tiring. I have pics to prove it. We seem to be over the top busy lately! So, couple that with excitement and bleughness and coffee (lots of coffee) and you’ll probably be slap dab in the middle of my week. BTW I just spelt “coffee” – COUGHY and sat here staring at the word for a couple of minutes trying to figure out why it looks wrong. Yeah, tiredness level: Mushy Brain.
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Life with sons: starting a band, baby…
Our kids are weird.
I say this with all the love in the world.
These boys (aged 10 and 13) literally sit and sing together, while playing XBox. And I’m not saying this because they have amazing, Luciano Pavarotti voices. Nope, they just enjoy singing, randomly. They don’t even sing popular, trending, songs… their choice of chorus are theme songs – Movie theme songs, ad jingles, series theme songs.
Them, 6 years ago Sometimes it’s funny. Sometimes it’s “shhh the baby is sleeping!” Sometimes we all join in. (How Highschool Musical of us) And sometimes, I’d be in the kitchen, humming a little tune (and by “humming” I mean “belting out” and by “little tune” I mean “Mariah Carey”) and one of them would join in! As if I invited them! I mean, hello, can you not see the spatula (aka mic) in MY hand?! Is nothing sacred anymore?!
Seth (the youngest) also has a habit of memorising tv ads. He knows all the words, all the songs and sometimes even mimics the actions! Kyle is a movie quoter. He is so NOT good at doing the accents but insists on telling you exactly what the lead actor said, in accent, even though you were sitting right next to him, watching the exact same movie a few minutes ago! He also quotes stand up comedians (thanks alot Trevor Noah) and sometimes says things and just leaves it in the air… no point. No reason behind the story.
Example: “Mommy, so today my friend picked up his pencil from the floor and then I was like, haha your pencil fell…” Okay. And then?
Our first date was a quadruple date – kids entow With all of that said, I remember something a dad of 3 once told us about his boys.
He said “The best thing I could ever have done for my son is to give him brothers.” (Thanks Manny) I was reminded of it this weekend, while watching these 2 together.
Flashback – few years ago: It was a couple of years after Kyles dad and I had split up and I remember feeling a bit disheartened thinking that my boy would not experience the joy (and torture) of having a sibling that is close in age to him. I mean, I love my sister – we are 3 years apart, and I remember many days of playing Barbie dolls together (me cutting her dolls hair in my “salon”… her crying about it) and hey those were some of the best days of my life. So I was really sad that my boy would not experience that. I mean, at best, his next biological sibling would be 10 years his junior. So no playmate for him.Enter: Hubstopher and his boy. I think that the pair came at just the right time, age and height! I found the man of my dreams, and our boys found each other. The 4 of us fit together like a puzzle. (I said something along these lines at our wedding too. And I wrote a song about it. So original.)
So yes, our kids are weird. But they are also extremely awsome! Both sets of moms and dads (on either side) are married with a baby and these 2 have taken to it very well! In fact, they are stellar big brothers to their half sisters and brother and they are amazing step brothers to each other. They have their disagreements but I am so pleased at how well they get along. They stand up for each other, like brothers. They sometimes tell on each other, like brothers. And hey, now they sing together too. So yes, we are starting a band baby, starting a band.
