-
The truth about Valentine’s Day
So today is the big V Day and judging by the amount of red and white outfits I spotted on my way to the office, people are really getting into it. But I was wondering, do you know the real story behind Valentine’s Day and why we celebrate it? I decided to pay Google a visit to find out the truth about Valentine’s Day and what I found was pretty interesting! Want to know more about it? Well, it goes a little something like this:
Story #1: Valentine – he was an actual guy
Some stories suggest that Valentine is actually a priest who served during the third century in Rome. Legend says that then ruler, Emperor Claudias II, had decided that single men made better soldiers than those with families because they fought more carelessly not having to worry about the wife and children at home waiting for them. So he basically outlawed marriage for young men. Yep – unmarried men could not put a ring on it. Anyways, realizing the injustice of the decree, Valentine unleashed his inner toyi-toyi and defied Claudius by performing secret marriages for young lovers. When Claudius discovered what Valentine was doing he ordered that he be put to death.Other stories suggest that Valentine was actually killed for attempting to help Christians escape Roman prisons (where they were beaten and tortured). Another suggests that Valentine was actually imprisoned and he sent the first “valentine” greeting to a girl he fell inlove with… The “soap opera” version implies that the young girl possibly was the jailor’s daughter and that she visited Valentine during his confinement. Before his death (which was supposedly very gruesome) he wrote her a letter and signed it “from your Valentine” and that’s how the expression was born.
Story #2: Valentine – a cover up
So some people say that Valentine’s Day was actually strategically placed in mid-Feb, by the ancient church, in an effort to “Christianise” the pagan celebration of Lubercalia. This event was a fertility festival dedicated to the Roman god of agriculture – Faunus. So at this festival, goats and a dog would be sacrificed and skinned in a cave that is said to have housed twins Romulus and Remus (who was nursed by a she-wolf… ya). Anyways the blood covered hide would be used to “gently slap” women and crop fields, in order to induce fertility and to “purify” the women. This act is said to guarantee easy childbirth too. Later on, young women in the city would place their names in a big urn and the city’s bachelors would take turns drawing a name of a dame that they would be paired with. The matches would sometimes end in marriage.February was also the month in which the Romans celebrated Juno Februata – the goddess of febris (fever) of love, women and marriage. So apparently on February 14, billets of paper, each holding a name of a teen girl, was put into a container. Teen boys would then draw a name and the pair would become a couple. Yep – a bonafide love lottery. They would be expected to join in erotic games, feasts and parties, which was celebrated throughout Rome. After the festival, they would sometimes remain together for the rest of the year. You guys, I’m not making this up, the custom was observed in the Roman Empire for a long time.
So there you have it. Happy Valentine’s Day!
-
Getting that fresh breath fix with Sunstar GUM {Win a hamper!}
February has been dubbed “relationship month” and I’m a fan of the festivities that go with it. I love that we get to celebrate relationships and love and intimacy. But, to be honest, Valentine’s Day in our home, at the moment, looks a lot like every other day. So I’ve made it a point to make sure that my time alone with Hubstopher is extra special. Yep, I might even wear lip gloss to bed.
Pretty pajamas and smooth legs aside, smelling good and having fresh breath are always a priority! Bad breath can be such a buzz kill. But hey, since it’s February (and also National Fresh Breath Month by the way) rather than getting in a twist about bad breath, it’s the ideal time to treat the tongue to a fresh breath fix. Experts say the tongue is often the cause of bad breath, and recommend daily cleaning as part of an effective oral care routine. Seriously though, when last have you intentionally cleaned your tongue? Exactly. When it comes to bad breath the tongue is often the culprit.
Looking good and smelling sweet are important factors when I schedule in some alone time with my love. (Yes, we have a lot of kids and literally have to schedule our quality time). I want to look good for him! And I want to make sure that the garlic roll I devoured an hour ago doesn’t come back to haunt me when I’m whispering sweet nothings in his ear. This is why I love the Sunstar GUM Tongue Cleaner, you guys! It has a brush on one side and scraper on the other for maximum effectiveness. Pair this with the unique GUM Technique Plus toothbrush (designed to provide advanced cleaning with its quad-grip handle), some GUM Original White floss and GUM Original White mouth rinse and you’re good to go!
Treat your tongue to a #FreshBreathFix this February
Does this sound like something you need? Well Sunstar has partnered with me to give one My Spreadsheet Brain reader an awesome Sunstar GUM hamper worth over R600, packed with all the oral care tools you need for a healthy mouth and fresh breath. Each kit includes a Sunstar GUM Tongue Cleaner, plus a toothbrush, floss, interdentals and Original White paste and rinse for a naturally brighter smile. Use the Rafflecopter below to enter. Winner will be announced on my Facebook page, so make sure you’re following me there. -
Are you a married single mom?
I became a mom at a very young age. My baby daddy and I were not married. When our relationship ended, and he moved to another city, I suddenly found myself navigating the choppy waters of parenthood alone, as a single mommy, and let me tell you, it was hard work. Anyways, I eventually got married to my Hubstopher and to be honest I thought that things would change. But the truth is I still feel like a single mom sometimes. A married single mom. Does anyone else feel that way? Your reasons could be that your partner is not very hands on with the kids, or maybe he works a lot, or maybe, like me, your kids just prefer you. You find yourself somehow steering a ship designed to have two captains and you’re not even sure how on earth you got there.
It’s not uncommon to feel as if you’re the only one doing the work in your household. I remember growing up and hearing my mother moan something along the lines of “am I the only person living in this house?!” while changing the the empty toilet paper roll for the gazillionth time. Well, I found myself thinking these very same thoughts this past weekend and the amounts of “uhhh HECK no!” that hit me full force in the face, was astounding! I was NOT going to be a married single mother. Heck to the no! Not me, not this lady. Not again.
Now, maybe your married-single-mom-ness is due to the fact that your husband works in another city, or maybe he works crappy hours. Fair enough. Maybe he simply chooses to not do anything. That’s another blog post for another day. But you see, mine is none of the above. Hubstopher is always eager to help out. I mean, granted he has his fair share of “I’m in my work bubble” moments at home, while I’m trying to cook, do homework and bath the baby all at the same time. But if I had to keep it real, I sometimes find myself subconsciously choosing to be the only one pulling the weight. Why? Well, because he won’t do it the way I do it. So I’d much rather pack the lunches myself, thank you very much.
I know how to make the baby’s bottles, so I’ll do it. I know what Kari needs to wear to school, and he might dress her in her “going out clothes”, so let me get her clothes and dress her quickly. I’m able to bath both babies, at the same time, and leave the bathroom clean in the process. When he baths them (one at a time, and it takes forever!), the bathroom ends up looking like a bomb exploded in it. I’ll do it, thanks. Sound familiar?
We can never compare being a “married single mom” to being an actual single mom. Single parents in general have way more challenges to overcome and there are other ways that Hubstopher supports me that I did not get when I was single. But I feel like I’ve inadvertently placed myself in a “married but single mom” box and it makes me want to punch someone. Me. I want to punch me. Because I’ve allowed this to happen! At times I’ve even chosen it! And guys, it’s NOT fair for one parent to be doing all the work.
Whether you’re a stay at home mom or you’re “single parenting” because your partner lives in another place. It’s flippen draining. Is it possible? Yes, it is. I know lots of single parents who are doing a kick ass job. But if your partner is present, I believe that he should be just as involved as you are with the day to day raising of your kids. And uhm, Margaret, there is no such thing as “but it’s the woman’s job to do it”. I mean, I get it, he’s the man of the house and he deserves to get the biggest piece of chicken during supper time. But being “the man” in your home has nothing to do with the amount of work you are negated from. In fact, it means you have a bigger responsibility to make sure your ship is sailing smoothly, Captain. You can’t call it babysitting if it’s your own kids, Broseph. Mommy is not the majority shareholder… it’s 50/50!So this post is for all of you who feel as if you’ve drop kicked yourself into a “married but single mom” box, by mistake. It’s okay. There is still time to change things. Let go of the reigns a little bit and allow your partner to step in and assist you. Take your shoes off, grab that cup of coffee, sit back and let your man be the man in your home and in your family. You’re welcome.
-
Who really wins when you give him the silent treatment
Let’s face it, when it comes to having disagreements in a marriage, nothing makes you feel more vindicated than a solid silent treatment session. I mean, how else are husbands going to learn?!
When you give him the silent treatment, he will feel the wrath of your anger and, if you stretch out your vow of silence long enough, it will eventually make him long to hear your voice again. I mean, that’s how it works right? It’s practically science!
But ladies, I’m starting to feel as if my Hubstopher actually enjoys it when I give him the silent treatment. Gasp!
I mean, the other day after a carefully curated vow of silence I realized that he was happily singing a song at the top of his voice, while tinkering on the computer. No look of misery on his face. No puppy dog eyes, begging me to please say just one word! He didn’t even flinch when he asked me a question and I responded with a shoulder shrug.
In fact, he probably didn’t even know that I was giving him the silent treatment! He was just… well… enjoying the silence! ENJOYING it, I say! It made me think, who actually wins when you give him the silent treatment?
Do you guys think that our husbands are out here praying that the well of information we have to share with them on a daily basis never runs dry? I mean, I don’t know about yours, but I am pretty sure that my Hubstopher is not burning with the intense desire to know what’s on my mind, after he’s had a long day at the office. (EVERYTHING is on my mind, by the way. ALL. THE. TIME.)
The truth is that the silent treatment literally gets you nowhere. If your relationship is a highway, the silent treatment is the car that has run out of fuel on the intersection, and is now blocking all the other traffic from passing. How’s that?I mean, if you think about it, it’s actually a bit passive aggressive too and, hey real talk, if it goes on for long enough it actually can be a really hurtful form of abuse.
Giving your spouse the cold shoulder is counter productive because there is no closure and the issue at hand is not addressed and it will not be addressed until words are exchanged. Consider yourself on a never ending carousal of having the same argument and repeating the same behavior, over and over and… well, you get it.
And anyways, the silent treatment usually ends in a non-silent uber explosion of word vomit that may or may not have you saying words you did not intend to use. I mean, being quiet while you’re feeling a plethora of emotions (hurt, angry, sad), simply causes those emotions to expand and, well, it has to go somewhere eventually, right?
Does it feel good? Heck ya! Is it damaging to your relationship? Definitely.
I mean, unless you need some time to process your feelings, and you mention this to your partner who then gives you space to deal with yourself before talking it out.
But other than that, friends, your silent treatment is pretty much a bundle of poop in the bath water of your marriage. I guess what I’m trying to say is that putting your pride aside, instead of basking in your anger or hurt, will get you much better results.
-
Gary Chapman’s Conversation Starters made my family talk {Giveaway!}
Ever sat around a supper table and literally heard crickets, because the conversation was just that non-existent? Or do you find that one child is a chatterbox, leaving no room for any of the others to share? Or do you just want to get your family or spouse talking more? You and me both, pal! Which is why I literally squealed when my friends over at Christian Art Media sent me a parcel so amazing, I’m sure I heard angels singing when I opened it. Introducing: Gary Chapmans 101 Conversation Starters. If you love board games and group games, like I do, then this is right up your alley! (Stay tuned to find out how you can win a hamper for you and your family!)
So, for those not familiar with the geniosity that is Dr Gary Chapman: He is the brilliant psychologist (with more than 30 years experience, yo!) and the author behind the highly popular New York Best Selling Five Love Languages book. Dr Chapman says that each person has their own unique language, pertaining to their own, unique personality and characteristics. We all give and receive love in different ways. He explains that by knowing your partner or children’s love language, you can finally take the mystery out of what they really want and expect. Knowing your child’s love language can help you to understand them better and will give you the “cheats” on how to get the best out of them!
According to him, the 5 Love Languages are: Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch. For example, my love language is acts of service. When Chris washes the dishes, or gives me a food rub, I’m like “woah, this guy really loves me!” His, on the other hand, is physical touch. So, if I’m upset with him for like, a week, and avoid contact, he really feels the burn!
Anyways, so based on the amazing Love Languages series, and together with Ramon Presson, Dr Chapman has developed the 101 Conversation Starters cards. This handy tabletop resource is designed to get you, your family and your spouse talking! With 101 probing questions, 101 Conversation Starters for Families blends just the right amount of fun and thought-provoking questions, to help develop a culture of meaningful conversation in your family! I simply adore the 101 Conversation Starters for Couples cards. These offer 101 probing questions for couples, with the aim to enhance the relationship and create a deeper intimacy.
If you’re looking for an affordable way to create a fun atmosphere, at home, during the summer period, then I highly recommend these! And hey, aren’t the ‘couples’ cards a really legit way to spend a date night indoors? The 101 Conversation Starters cards and Love Languages books are available online or at your nearest CUM Books store.
We played the family game, this past week, and learnt a bunch of really interesting things about each other. For starters, Kyle wants to leave the country. But we always knew that. Chris realized that he needs a dedicated day, in the week, to spend with the family (yep, the cards told him this!) and now everyone knows that the one thing I want for Christmas is to be 16 again! That last one was meant to be funny, but only I thought it was. Oh well, you can’t win them all. And talking about winning, I want to give one of you a hamper, as part of my Christmas Crazy festivities! Woohoo!
The hamper includes both the 101 Conversation Starters for Families, 101 Conversation Starters for Couples AND the 2 accompanying Dr Chapman Love Languages books, that will help you to work on building better relationships within your family and marriage! AAAACK! I know, right?!!To enter, simply follow the rafflecopter prompts below, and check out my Facebook page on Friday, December 15th to see if you’re a winner! Yep, there are hundreds (I’m exaggerating) of ways to enter… I wanted to give you as many chances and options as possible! This prize is that good! Good luck ya’ll!
-
Oh hi there, ridiculously overpriced festive season…
Look, whether you’re all “tis the season to be jolly” or not, December is only a few sleeps away. And with it comes the ridiculously overpriced festive season that probably has a few of us tossing and turning at night. I mean, the kids need new clothes and fancy gifts. My home needs to be refurnished and repainted to domestic perfection and my hair needs to resemble something out of a Tresemme advert, or else does it even count as hair? Then there are all the staff and ‘end of year’ parties that require you to pay per head. Secret santa gifts needs to be bought and uhm, you didn’t think that I was going to that, wearing this, did you? How does one even keep up?!
Well, I’ve decided that this year, I’m simply just NOT. That’s right. I’m NOT going to keep up. Why? Well, because you’re not a Kardashian… and girlfriend, neither am I. And hey, don’t get me wrong, I am all for big Christmases, but not this year, Patricia. It could be the newly added fourth child that suddenly has me more cash conscious than Scrooge McDuck on a budget saver, but suddenly all the unnecessary things just seem so… I don’t know… well, unnecessary.
For starters, do I REALLY need to buy new curtains for every single window in my house? And if I do, why get them all over the December period? I’m sure my guests aren’t visiting me, during summer, to check out my window fixtures.
And seriously, how many new “outfits” does one kid even need? And if I must buy them something new (which I must, at least, shame guys) there are many stores that make shopping for those summer essentials a lot more affordable. And as for summer entertaining… we’re going retro up in here, kids! I’m talking picnics, walks on the beach and playing Monopoly and Scrabble at the dining room table! (All of which costs a small fee of nothing! And I thank you for that.) Fortunately, I live in the most beautiful city on earth and Nelson Mandela Bay Tourism has a really affordable pass that makes holidaying in our city a lot more affordable. #sharethebay
Then there’s the issue of food. I mean, guys, I get it, holidays means eating. But why. Why guys. Why why why why?! (that’s me breaking out my inner, mis-phrased Rihanna song). Why do we spend so much money on food, in December?! I’ve decided that we’re not doing takeaways every single night of the week (and the crowd goes mehhh) (and by “crowd”, I mean my children). Also, I finally understand why my mom buys in bulk for the festive season! It’s friggen genius, really! I mean, shopping for that bring and braai can be done in your very own refrigerator.
Then comes the issue of gifts. Look, I am a self-professed “Christmas Girl” and gifts kinda are my love language. I can’t wait to show you guys some of my fave gift ideas. I don’t know about you, but I’ve made provision (financially) for those cool Christmas gifts. I mean, I love presents, you guys! What is a Christmas tree without a foray of gifts underneath it?! This year, we’re sorted. Call it clever shopping (every other month of the year that is not December)… call it budgeting… as you wish. We don’t get emotional up in this piece. We think ahead. We strategise.
And talking about strategy… how often do you even wear the stunning heels you bought last Christmas? Or the “wedding outfit” you forked out a wad of cash on, two years ago? Recycle, girl! No one remembers, I promise you. You don’t have to wear something new to look good.
Okay, dramatics aside, how many of you can relate? It’s okay to admit that you’re not rolling in the dough this December. (Because, seriously, who wants to roll in dough? That stuff’s a disaster to get out of your hair). Anyways, I thought that this would be a great space to get some cool money saving tips going! Please share your tips in the comments section below because sharing is caring… and atleast we’re not asking you for money.
-
Four kids later and I’m not coping
I know it looks super cool to have a big family. I mean, our family photo’s are lit because there’s literally one of us in every single size and age group. But in reality, I feel as if I’m not coping. Four kids later and I kinda want to take a permanent vacation somewhere not here. Please? Okay, let’s stop being dramatic for like, a few seconds.
It all started this morning (I’m talking about the mini-emo session that I’m currently having) when I realized that I drove to work on fumes. I had forgotten to refuel the car because we were in a hurry to get the kids to school and ourselves to work. By the time I eventually rocked up at the office, I realized that it was probably the good Lord himself who safely delivered me here because the cars fuel light had been flashing since yesterday afternoon. No jokes.
Life has been crazy with a capital “cray”. Jo is a baby, so that speaks for itself. Kari… well, she’s turning three years old soon and she’s as diva as they come. And this is not me bragging. Kyle and Seth are writing exams soon and then there’s the guilt that we aren’t doing enough for them and with them. Pair this up with the fact that we only have one car now, and can you see where I’m going with this? (Or not going. One car, remember?)
Besides for just not having enough time or like, mental capacity, to parent four children and stay sane at the same time, you must remember that we also need to pay the school fees of four children. So a lot of side hustling happens regularly, with me writing and Chris computer-ing and music-ing (what else would you call it), but this means that we’re permanently busy. Oh and I didn’t even mention the other commitments we have. To top that off, we are married! Granted, it’s to each other and we can cut each other some slack on the married front, surely. But still. I can’t remember the last time I held my hubstopher’s hand, for FUN.
Anyways, so with that said, I’ve decided to take this moment and write a little emo post. Mainly because I know that “this too shall pass” and because I want to have this moment documented somewhere for the day when it does, so that I can look back and go “ahh, see, it did pass.” But also because I know that I’m not the only mom going through a complete season of overwhelm right now.I’m not saying it’s “okay” to be overwhelmed. But I am saying that it’s okay to feel as if you don’t have all your ish together, all of the time. So this ones for you mom, who feels as if you’re not coping too. I see you, girl. You’ve got this. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
-
Do you call your in-laws ‘mom’ and ‘dad’?
I just want to know who came up with the rule that said you have to call your spouse’s parents ‘mom’ and ‘dad’. Point me in the direction of that person, please. Don’t worry, I just want to talk, no funny business. Okay, all jokes aside though, do you feel comfortable addressing your in-laws as ‘mother’ and ‘father’?
A friend explained that calling her in-laws ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ just came naturally and it made sense for her to do so. I mean, when you get married, you become a part of their family. She explained that for her, it became more than just a show of respect. It was a way to fully adopt her husband’s mom and dad as her own. I love this concept so much! It wasn’t always easy for me though.
I mean, I have the best relationship with Hubstopher’s parents. They literally are my other set of parents, in every single way. I love them as a mother and father and yet, 5ish years later, I’m still not able to address them as ‘mom’ and ‘dad’. I realize that it has absolutely nothing to do with them, and everything to do with ME. My extreme shyness with regards to the matter just never subsided. Fortunately they are gracious and do not expect me to be anything other than my fabulous self (look at me giving myself kudos for doing absolutely nothing).
Anyways, so the other day I had a nice chat with a friend about her awkward situation. She also finds it a bit difficult to refer to her in-laws as ‘mom’ and ‘dad’, but her situation is not as gracious as mine is. Her mini rant was overheard by a few others and I was amazed at how many young people feel the same way. They said that calling someone elses parents ‘mommy’ and ‘daddy’ just felt weird. Some shared that they had such a close relationship with their own parents and could not bring themselves to giving that special title to anyone else. Others did not have a relationship with their own parents and therefore did not feel comfortable using the term of endearment at all.It made me think… is this a generational thing? I mean, my mom called my dad’s mother “mommy’, even after my parents were separated. Was it easier for previous generations to accept and feel welcomed in their spouses family? Does this new awkward way of dealing with in-laws speak to this generation’s concept of family and marriage?
This brought about another area of concern: “What do we call them instead?!” I mean, if you find it difficult to call your in-laws ‘mom and ‘dad’, what would you prefer calling them? I feel that using first names or “Mr so-and-so” seems a bit awkward and out of place. Or you could spend the remainder of your life just not using any first names at all, resorting to “you” and “your”…. which is pretty cras in my opinion.
So, with that in mind, I thought to take it to the blog. I’d love to hear from you! What do you call your in-laws? If it feels ‘weird’ to call them ‘mom’ and ‘dad’, what do you call them instead?
Clip note: All the pics in this post are, in fact, my wedding photos taken by the talented Donna van der Watt Photography.
-
For those days when you don’t want to be married anymore
Sometimes I get why they call marriage an “institution”… because my Hubstopher literally makes me go mental. And the funny thing is, a couple of hours prior to that, I thought that unicorns and rainbows appeared when he pooped. How is it possible that someone, who is able to make your heart feel as if it’s beatboxing to a Justin Bieber song, can also, simultaneously, bring out the absolute worst in you? Look, ladies, let’s be honest, sometimes you just don’t want to be married anymore. Oh wait, is it just me then?
Yes, you heard me. Can we be real, ladies? I sometimes feel as if I don’t want to have to deal with another person and their needs and emotions and opinions. Being single seems pretty amazing at that point.
But then, eventually, when I’ve built the bridge, gotten over it, and stand there on the other side waiting for a cup of tea, I am reminded that this is what marriage is all about. The fluffy clouds and bare-butt cupids are one part of it, yes. But the “arrrgh can’t you just go away, but like also, stay here, because I don’t want you to leave me ever!” feelings are part of the package.
It has made me re-evaluate how I see marriage and weddings and all of that. Mushy messages and weekends away and roses are all great things. Love and being inlove is important. BUT are you willing to CHOOSE each other, over and over again for the rest of your life? Choosing each other means choosing to forgive no matter the cost… choosing to love through imperfection… choosing to be present and weather the storms, instead of bailing… and choosing to move on, after an upset. Like, if I had to remember each time Hubstopher and I had a disagreement, I would probably lose my ish.
The truth is that once everything has settled down, I’m just so amazed that this guy – in all his calmness – has decided that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and my (sometimes erratic) spreadsheet brain. The beauty of marriage is right there… in the mess. It’s there, deep in the ugly, when you’re having the worst argument ever and a couple of hours later, still find yourself wanting to love the other person.
And so even when I feel like I don’t want to be married anymore, I take a breath and remember that this feeling of complete overwhelm is just that… a feeling. This moment is but a ‘comma’ in our chapter. And I am thankful that even when I’m not being the best version of me, he still chooses me, every day. And I choose him too. And that’s what makes it worth it.
-
Letting him be the man on Women’s Day
So it’s Women’s Day today and I guess I’m meant to feel super duper woman-like and rah rah girl power and all that jazz. But instead, I woke up thinking how much I love that I get to depend on a man, my man, for some things. I mean, I know that I can probably change my own tyre, but I like that I don’t have to. I’m sure I could figure out how to work the PVR or muster up the energy to have conversations about weeds with the gent who cleans our garden… but hey, why should I? I don’t even drive myself places, if I don’t have to. And I sometimes even ask my man if he thinks my dress is too short or what his thoughts are on my career moves or whether he likes my cooking.
