Parenting
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Four kids later and I’m not coping
I know it looks super cool to have a big family. I mean, our family photo’s are lit because there’s literally one of us in every single size and age group. But in reality, I feel as if I’m not coping. Four kids later and I kinda want to take a permanent vacation somewhere not here. Please? Okay, let’s stop being dramatic for like, a few seconds.
It all started this morning (I’m talking about the mini-emo session that I’m currently having) when I realized that I drove to work on fumes. I had forgotten to refuel the car because we were in a hurry to get the kids to school and ourselves to work. By the time I eventually rocked up at the office, I realized that it was probably the good Lord himself who safely delivered me here because the cars fuel light had been flashing since yesterday afternoon. No jokes.
Life has been crazy with a capital “cray”. Jo is a baby, so that speaks for itself. Kari… well, she’s turning three years old soon and she’s as diva as they come. And this is not me bragging. Kyle and Seth are writing exams soon and then there’s the guilt that we aren’t doing enough for them and with them. Pair this up with the fact that we only have one car now, and can you see where I’m going with this? (Or not going. One car, remember?)
Besides for just not having enough time or like, mental capacity, to parent four children and stay sane at the same time, you must remember that we also need to pay the school fees of four children. So a lot of side hustling happens regularly, with me writing and Chris computer-ing and music-ing (what else would you call it), but this means that we’re permanently busy. Oh and I didn’t even mention the other commitments we have. To top that off, we are married! Granted, it’s to each other and we can cut each other some slack on the married front, surely. But still. I can’t remember the last time I held my hubstopher’s hand, for FUN.
Anyways, so with that said, I’ve decided to take this moment and write a little emo post. Mainly because I know that “this too shall pass” and because I want to have this moment documented somewhere for the day when it does, so that I can look back and go “ahh, see, it did pass.” But also because I know that I’m not the only mom going through a complete season of overwhelm right now.I’m not saying it’s “okay” to be overwhelmed. But I am saying that it’s okay to feel as if you don’t have all your ish together, all of the time. So this ones for you mom, who feels as if you’re not coping too. I see you, girl. You’ve got this. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
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Free The Smart Talk app helps to control your kids screen time
Have you guys heard of the The Smart Talk? It’s a really cool (free) interactive platform that provides tools for parents to set online security rules, for their kids. I mean, let’s face it, data safety and identity safety is a big deal right now (remember the time that I was catfished?) Have you considered the fact that you need to control your kids screen time?
We’ve been especially trusting when it comes to Kyle and his online activity. I mean, I don’t even really check his cellphone. And the thing is, no one wants to be the parent who launches into a full on FBI investigation when it comes to your kids electronic devices. It can be useful to keep a service like LifeLock (who partnered with National PTA to put together the Smart Talk site) running in the background incase your child’s online identity was compromised without you noticing. Oversharing has become the new norm (and I can say this, because you’re reading my blog right now, point and case). We should be talking to our kids about the potential dangers of social media and we should be monitoring their device usage. We need to be setting rules for our kids wrt screen time, what they are watching and who they are able to be in communication with.
And that’s why I really love the idea behind The Smart Talk platform. The website is really easy to navigate and creates opportunity for you and your child to determine what their online boundaries should be. Things like screen time (when is it allowed, and for how long etc), social media and even apps and which downloads are permissible, is taken into account.At the end of the little survey, you and your child enter into an official family agreement, that sets certain rules in place. The agreement is personalized and printable and you guys can sign on it, to make it official. Stick it up on on your fridge, as a friendly reminder, to help safe guard your kid against the perps of the online world, and hey, to empower them to be smart digital citizens.
What do you guys think about this? Have you set any boundaries in place wrt screen time? Drop your thoughts and pieces of advice in the comment section below.
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I get why it’s illegal for parents to spank their kids
It is the year 2017. A time where we keep our front doors locked, in the peak of summer. A time where it makes perfect sense to jump a red robot at 2am, because you never know who might rock up at your window. A time where we’re afraid to eat the chicken in case it has flu. And a time where it has become illegal for parents to spank their children.
Oh the shock! The horror! The outrage! We should be allowed to spank our kids! I hear you say. You’re right. I mean, why ban corporal punishment in the home? What does this even mean?!
Well, no, it does NOT mean that the Johannesburg High Court has decided to “keep up with the Kardashians” and is now feeling as if corporal punishment is like, soooo, not on trend at the moment. In case you didn’t know, the term “corporal punishment” basically refers to any punishment which uses physical force to bring about pain or discomfort. And alas, the percentage of parents who have severely injured their kids, under the guise of ‘giving a good spanking’ are just too high. Their lack of anger management means that the high court has to step in, in order to protect our kiddos.
So, as much as I agree that it sucks. (I mean, have you read my “angry mom” post? I like, SO, want to be able to give my kids a spanking without being charged for assault.) But let me remind you about the gross injustice so many of our young South Africans face, on a daily basis, at the hands of family members and parents who are suppose to care for them, and not hurt them.
This affects all of us and the way we raise our children. I mean, let’s be honest, a large percentage of us South African parents know when to draw the line between punishment and assault, when it comes to giving our kids a spanking. But unfortunately, the High Court has to stick up for the kids of the parents who kinda don’t.
So that’s where we are at, South Africa. Our children deserve better.
What are your thoughts on the new law?
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When you’re not exactly the perfect parent
This week I had to make peace with the fact that I’m not always a “perfect parent”. Let me explain: I know that children are a beautiful gift unto our wombs and all of that, but I’ve been feeling especially overwhelmed lately. The need to be the perfect parent seemed to be clashing with the fact that, oh look, I’m a human being too. Has this ever happened to you?
This past week, a vast majority of my household cautiously clambered their way out of
the pit ofthe worst case of gastro known to man. Just when I thought things would return to normal baby Jo then developed a really bad case of thrush. The thrush infection quickly escalated, eventually infecting his digestive tract. My baby boy could not hold a feed in for three days straight. Picture me driving like a crazy lady between work and my sister’s house, as I try to balance being a mother versus having a job.As if that wasn’t enough, Kari seemed to be particularly energetic this week. Her levels were peaking last night, while we tried to ‘shush’ her during the speeches at an event. Guys, let’s just say, I made a speech while she was tugging on me, while loudly (and obnoxiously) letting everyone know that she wants a blue cupcake immediately please. The beautiful thing about having a baby while trying to raise a toddler is that you can’t lose your ish, even though you really want to. Oh wait, did I say “beautiful thing”? I meant to use the words “crazy mess”.
When I eventually got home with my sick kid, my needy kid and my teenage kid, I had to nurse a headache the size of the iceberg that hit the Titanic. Except that I felt like the Titanic in this situation. It was at this point that I decided that I want to toss out of adulting altogether. I wasn’t in the mood to cook a healthy meal. I didn’t want to tidy the house or make sure my children were bathed. I wasn’t keen on reading them bedtime stories or checking homework.So I didn’t.
I felt like a loser parent, I’m not going to lie to you. I mean, I should be doing this better, somehow. But then I realized that I need to give myself a flippen break man! I’m not a “perfect parent”. Heck, I probably wouldn’t be one, even if I busted by chops trying! And anyways, I’m sure my kids aren’t looking for super mom. They just want to be loved (and for me to turn on my wifi hotspot now and then). Those are two things I definitely can work my way around doing. So I ended up giving the minis a quick wash, got them into PJ’s and camped out in my room with blankets and tea. Kyle made sandwiches for supper (gasp, somebody call child services) as Kari and I watched ‘Storks’ for the umpteenth time. My “perfect parent” theory nothing more than a puff of smoke as I feel the steady breathing of my sleeping baby, against me. All was right with the world. We were okay. I did what I could for today. Tomorrow, we try again.
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So what’s my role in my childs education?
As a parent you have the added benefit of being involved in your kids schooling. I’m using the word ‘benefit’ loosely… hey, don’t give me that look Margaret, I’m not a fan of homework. But I often wonder what my role is in my children’s education. Besides for paying exhorbitant amounts of school fees, that is. Am I meant to be helping my son build the Eiffel Tower out of matchsticks? (Seriously, who comes up with some of these assignments?!) And should I be checking his homework? How can I help my kids get the most out of their schooling? Here’s what a couple of clever people suggested:
Get to know his teachers
Teachers… meh. Kidding! Teachers are wonderful and, contrary to popular belief, often appreciate it when parents show more interest. If your kid is struggling with a subject, or if you’d like to find out how to help them excel in a particular area, chat to the subject teacher. Chances are you might score some study material out of them and tips that could give your kid an idea on how to prep for that exam or assignment.Do homework
I feel like this is a given, but also, I don’t waaaaant to. Having to deal with my kid’s homework is giving me second degree school nightmares. But parents, seriously, the simple act of checking up on them while they do after school work will create a sense of accountability and might even encourage the child to be more intentional with their homework. The aim of homework is to effectively help your child to practice what they’ve learnt in class. It should also point out areas that needs to be worked on. Use it, don’t use it. (Use it… you really should) A clever teacher once advised me that there is no such thing as “I don’t have homework”. There is always an opportunity for your child to practice what they’ve learnt during class that day.Step away from the assignments
I’m going to be real… I can’t not get involved with my kid’s school assignments! The OCD in me refuses to take a chair when Kyle comes home with class projects that require heavy detail and/or any form of designing or creating. Aaack! I mean, what does he know about making the solar system out of styrofoam? I can do it so much better, right? Except that if you don’t give your kid the centre stage in the crafting of his own assignments, he’ll never learn anything.Flash cards
If you’re committed to the cause, a great way to test your kid’s knowledge is by making use of flash cards to help them prep for tests and quizes. And hey, double your points by enlisting the child to design and create their own flash cards! It creates another opportunity for them to get the work into their heads. Getting them invested in the project, and even simply writing the work down, really helps with committing information to memory.Draw up study schedules
Kyle has only recently realized the benefit of having a well thought out study schedule. The study schedule can take into account the amount of days left to study, as well as the amount of work that must be consumed. Remember to pencil in revision time as well. I love using old exam papers to help Kyle revise. I often design my own practice test papers and set up a mock exam room for him. The practice test would normally look similar to previous exam papers, and it would be timed as well.Talk it out
I’ve found that my kid retains more knowledge if he understands and is geniunely interested in the subject at hand. With that said, I’ve tricked him into learning his work by simply engaging in a conversation about it. One year, he aced an exam based on Ancient Egypt, simply because it had become the topic of conversation during supper, for a whole week. #parenthack See? Parents are clever too.Do you have any cool/clever/easy tips to share with us wrt helping your kid get the most out of their schooling? What do you feel is a parents role during school years?
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Do you hold regular family meetings?
Does your family hold regular family meetings? You know, a gathering of sorts, where you are able to share your thoughts and feelings with each other? Yep, I get it, if you grew up in the *cough* 90’s like I did, a family meeting would be a foreign concept. In fact, it would be laughable! I mean, if we had family meetings back when I was a kid, my mum would respond to my “chores is child labor” claims with a shoe against my face. Well, that is a mild exaggeration, but you get the gist. Parents of the 90’s (and earlier) were not prone to needing the advice or opinion of their children. But things have changed, it seems.
So according to quite a few websites (I’m linking them below), it’s important to hold regular family meetings. These sites claim that families should sit down and deliberate decisions together… as a group. As in, your kid gets to have a say. One expert says that decisions should not be made without the kids consult. Apparently that’s dictatorship and no one wants to be that guy.
I read that holding meetings is a great way to include everyone in the decision making process and it creates a space where you can address issues, openly and calmly. Have you guys tried this at home? Well, I did, the other day. I mean, I figured that we arent living in 19-voetsak anymore and that it would be cool to hear the kids thoughts on certain things. Here’s how ours went down:
Winning
It was cool to address topics that were areas of concern. We brought up sensitive issues and made sure that everyone knew that we would respect each other’s opinion. Kyle (who loves debate) could argue his case and explain how he feels. And we could respond with our reasoning and thoughts on the topic. We then reached an amicable conclusion and were able to move on from the issue.Flopping
Did you read the part where I said that Kyle loves to debate? ‘Cause that. The kid can argue his point until next week, if given the chance. We had to remind him that this was a brainstorming session, and not an opportunity to attack each other. AND most importantly (well, for me probably), we get to have the final say because we are the big people.Conclusion
I think that family meetings are a great idea. But, before you hop right in there Harriet, lay down the law. Have some “family meeting rules” to comply with. In fact, a talking stick is also a really good idea too.Here are other bits of advice I found, that really helped us:
– Create a safe place (no judgies) for everyone to respectfully share their thoughts.
– What happens in Family Meeting, stays in Family meeting.
– For every negative comment, three positive comments must follow.
– Brainstorm ways to do things better, instead of focusing on the problem.
– Write down family goals and determine ways to reach them.
– Set the date for your next family meeting.So, that’s my take on the family meeting. What do you think, moms? Is this something that you’ve implemented in your own home? Please share your advice in the comment section below – you’ll be surprised at how many mama’s draw on the info that they receive in the comments.
Resources:
Centre for Parenting Education
Planning Alt
Lifestyle Plus Centre -
Help! My baby won’t take the bottle!
My baby boy has decided that he only wants milk from his mama – literally straight from the cow’s udder, so to speak. (Me being the cow, in this instance) He refuses the bottle, won’t take it, not interested in it and don’t you dare try to make him! It seems like a wonderful problem to have, but is it really? At first I felt oddly flattered like, yeah man, this kid knows who his mom is! But as time passed by and we drew closer and closer to the end of my maternity leave (today’s the last day by the way) I began to panic. My baby won’t take the bottle! Aack! What do I do?!
The wonderful people of social media land shared their advice with me (seriously, thank you guys) and I’ve tried it all, to no success. I’ve attempted literally every single type of bottle teat ever made in the whole wide world (well it feels like it). I’ve filled said bottles with my milk, formula, dipped its tips in a little bit of sugar to lure him to suckle on it, heated it up, cooled it down, did somersaults while juggling it in the air and spinning on my head, but alas, nothing worked.
What makes it even more upsetting is that when the kid is hungry or tired, he goes into this frantic cry/scream that only the boob can comfort. Yes, I did try cup feeding. It upsets him so much that he chokes. I’ve tried the syringe. He’s not impressed. Yep, I’ve tried a sippy cup too. I’ve even attempted to give it to him, in the guise that it’s the boob. He gave me a “are you kidding me, lady?!” look and spat it out. And then I left home for three hours hoping that with me away, he wouldn’t have a choice. Nope. He knows his rights and stood for what he believed in. (Politician in the making?) We’ve found that the only way to get him to take the bottle is when he cries himself to sleep. It’s a horrible, torturous way to feed a baby. But he will only suckle on the teat after he’s cried for an hour and is now dozing off to sleep due to hunger/anger and frustration. Meh. For real. Double meh.So here we are… hours away from my first day back at work and I’m writing a post that basically documents how this whole bottle feeding thing has been a flop. So there you have it. Word of advice to pregnant moms: Yeah yeah yeah breast is best and give your baby the boob and all of that. But don’t neglect to introduce your baby to the bottle as early as possible (if you’re planning to return to work). The earlier you do it, the better your chances of avoiding bottle rejection. Ask me. Clearly I know.
Moms, any advice for mamas who, like me, are struggling to get their baby to take the bottle?
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Teach your child the correct terms for private body parts
The other day Kari and I spoke about private body parts and it made me realize that I was not prepared for the conversation! My toddler is a precocious almost-3 year old who asks #allthequestions and says whatever comes to mind. We are actually quite proud of the fact that she has been able to string whole sentences together, at an early age. So when she wanted to know about the difference between her and her baby brother’s genitals, I realized that I could either faff around and make up ‘snuggly wuggly buggly’ names for it, or I could nip it in the bud and call a spade a spade. So to speak.
I explained to her that a boys private body part is called a penis and a girls is called a vagina and that it is a special area of our bodies, off limits to everyone else! Sheesh – I didn’t think I’d be giving the whole ‘sexual predators talk’ this early. But she is my very first daughter (not that boys are immune, yo) and I wanted to empower her. In fact, teaching your child the standard terms for all of their body parts are important. Yep, even the tough ones like vulva and scrotum. This is particularly helpful in safe guarding your kid against abuse because they begin to view each body part in a serious light, rather than as an awkward, embarrassing topic that should be avoided.
Psychologists (and I’m going to link relevant articles at the bottom to show you guys that I’m not making this up while sipping on my tea) agree that your kid is less likely to tell you if someone is acting inappropriately with them, if they feel embarrassed about their bodies and about talking openly about it. The correct names of their private body parts should not be viewed as a naughty word. In fact, knowing the correct language helps the child in a case where sexual abuse has taken place.Your children need to know that their private body parts are the same as any other body part, except that they are private and important. BUT they are still good, acceptable body parts and not “oopsie” areas. Perpetrators are usually more wary if a child is body conscious. Another article suggests that by ensuring that you only use the correct names for their private areas, it should immediately set off red flags if your kid comes home referring to them with pet names instead. (i.e. where are they hearing this from) By using the correct term, when referring to them, gives your child permission to talk about their genitals freely, should they have a concern.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, mums. What do you refer to private areas as, when talking to your little one?
These websites offer more insight:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/going-beyond-intelligence/201703/call-children-s-private-body-parts-what-they-are
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/8-reasons-not-to-call-your-childs-genitals-pet-names_us_58743186e4b0eb9e49bfbec3
https://www.today.com/parents/just-say-vagina-using-correct-body-part-names-empowers-kids-6C9551650 -
Are you an angry mom?
My children make me angry. There, I said it. Oh, sorry, your kids are perfect little poppets and you walk around sniffing roses whole day? That’s great. My children are not angels and I am a human being too, so I can’t relate. Look, I’m not saying that I live my life in permanent “angry mom” mode. Our home is not a war zone and I smile a lot more than I frown, I promise. But sometimes you need to bust out your inner ‘angry mom’ to get the job done. Are you an angry mom too?
When Angry Mom comes, she brings the thunder! Her voices changes and she even growls on occasion. You feel the thunder whether her answer is a cool “no.” or if she spends an hour explaining why you were wrong and what you should have done instead, using as many descriptive words as possible.
Yes, Angry Mom can come across as a tad bit irrational. Her ability to piece together coherent sentences completely overridden by the sheer disbelief of her child’s actions. “Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!” followed by “answer me when I’m speaking!” or (my personal favorite) “The answer is no because I said so” regardless of the actual reason why the answer is no.Angry Mom is able to contort her face to make the most scariest facial expressions to correctly emphasize her anger. Flaring nostrils, glaring eyes and flushed cheeks blazing! If you are, what I’d like to call, “next level angry mom” (i.e. Angry Mom 2.0) you are able to control your Angry Mom face in public, giving your child a facial expression that says the things you are not able to say out loud… livid on the inside, polite smile on the outside. It’s a skill, really.
But jokes aside, I hate being Angry Mom. I feel like ‘angry mom’ overrides ‘fun mom’ and no one wants to be the uncool parent. I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum – super duper Angry Mom (cape, mask and all) and I’ve been really passive mom. And at the end of the day, I found that my kids actually want me to discipline them. If you read your ‘Parenting Gig’ contract, you’ll find the Angry Mom clause right at the bottom, in fine print. Yep, it is a requirement, to some degree. Disciplining your kid is a requirement. They need it – rely on it even – more than you know! Discipline shows that we care, allows them to learn and reiterates that we are in charge and we know what is best for them!And hey, remember that “discipline” does not mean “punishment”. Discipline is done out of love, to teach and grow. I always remind myself to be mindful of my words – they offer instruction and correction BUT they also have the power to tear down. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, be the Angry Mom, but like, the sober Batman version… don’t go Hulk on them. We don’t want to scar the children for life.
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When and how to praise your child
Being a parent means putting yourself out there for every conceivable bit of advice, input and, sometimes, criticism from others. It’s so hard to know what the ‘right’ thing to do is. So, often, we choose the right thing for us. And that’s not a bad thing. But, a little advice can go a long way, especially when we haven’t felt our ‘right’ yet.
