Marriage
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Are you a married single mom?
I became a mom at a very young age. My baby daddy and I were not married. When our relationship ended, and he moved to another city, I suddenly found myself navigating the choppy waters of parenthood alone, as a single mommy, and let me tell you, it was hard work. Anyways, I eventually got married to my Hubstopher and to be honest I thought that things would change. But the truth is I still feel like a single mom sometimes. A married single mom. Does anyone else feel that way? Your reasons could be that your partner is not very hands on with the kids, or maybe he works a lot, or maybe, like me, your kids just prefer you. You find yourself somehow steering a ship designed to have two captains and you’re not even sure how on earth you got there.
It’s not uncommon to feel as if you’re the only one doing the work in your household. I remember growing up and hearing my mother moan something along the lines of “am I the only person living in this house?!” while changing the the empty toilet paper roll for the gazillionth time. Well, I found myself thinking these very same thoughts this past weekend and the amounts of “uhhh HECK no!” that hit me full force in the face, was astounding! I was NOT going to be a married single mother. Heck to the no! Not me, not this lady. Not again.
Now, maybe your married-single-mom-ness is due to the fact that your husband works in another city, or maybe he works crappy hours. Fair enough. Maybe he simply chooses to not do anything. That’s another blog post for another day. But you see, mine is none of the above. Hubstopher is always eager to help out. I mean, granted he has his fair share of “I’m in my work bubble” moments at home, while I’m trying to cook, do homework and bath the baby all at the same time. But if I had to keep it real, I sometimes find myself subconsciously choosing to be the only one pulling the weight. Why? Well, because he won’t do it the way I do it. So I’d much rather pack the lunches myself, thank you very much.
I know how to make the baby’s bottles, so I’ll do it. I know what Kari needs to wear to school, and he might dress her in her “going out clothes”, so let me get her clothes and dress her quickly. I’m able to bath both babies, at the same time, and leave the bathroom clean in the process. When he baths them (one at a time, and it takes forever!), the bathroom ends up looking like a bomb exploded in it. I’ll do it, thanks. Sound familiar?
We can never compare being a “married single mom” to being an actual single mom. Single parents in general have way more challenges to overcome and there are other ways that Hubstopher supports me that I did not get when I was single. But I feel like I’ve inadvertently placed myself in a “married but single mom” box and it makes me want to punch someone. Me. I want to punch me. Because I’ve allowed this to happen! At times I’ve even chosen it! And guys, it’s NOT fair for one parent to be doing all the work.
Whether you’re a stay at home mom or you’re “single parenting” because your partner lives in another place. It’s flippen draining. Is it possible? Yes, it is. I know lots of single parents who are doing a kick ass job. But if your partner is present, I believe that he should be just as involved as you are with the day to day raising of your kids. And uhm, Margaret, there is no such thing as “but it’s the woman’s job to do it”. I mean, I get it, he’s the man of the house and he deserves to get the biggest piece of chicken during supper time. But being “the man” in your home has nothing to do with the amount of work you are negated from. In fact, it means you have a bigger responsibility to make sure your ship is sailing smoothly, Captain. You can’t call it babysitting if it’s your own kids, Broseph. Mommy is not the majority shareholder… it’s 50/50!So this post is for all of you who feel as if you’ve drop kicked yourself into a “married but single mom” box, by mistake. It’s okay. There is still time to change things. Let go of the reigns a little bit and allow your partner to step in and assist you. Take your shoes off, grab that cup of coffee, sit back and let your man be the man in your home and in your family. You’re welcome.
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Who really wins when you give him the silent treatment
Let’s face it, when it comes to having disagreements in a marriage, nothing makes you feel more vindicated than a solid silent treatment session. I mean, how else are husbands going to learn?!
When you give him the silent treatment, he will feel the wrath of your anger and, if you stretch out your vow of silence long enough, it will eventually make him long to hear your voice again. I mean, that’s how it works right? It’s practically science!
But ladies, I’m starting to feel as if my Hubstopher actually enjoys it when I give him the silent treatment. Gasp!
I mean, the other day after a carefully curated vow of silence I realized that he was happily singing a song at the top of his voice, while tinkering on the computer. No look of misery on his face. No puppy dog eyes, begging me to please say just one word! He didn’t even flinch when he asked me a question and I responded with a shoulder shrug.
In fact, he probably didn’t even know that I was giving him the silent treatment! He was just… well… enjoying the silence! ENJOYING it, I say! It made me think, who actually wins when you give him the silent treatment?
Do you guys think that our husbands are out here praying that the well of information we have to share with them on a daily basis never runs dry? I mean, I don’t know about yours, but I am pretty sure that my Hubstopher is not burning with the intense desire to know what’s on my mind, after he’s had a long day at the office. (EVERYTHING is on my mind, by the way. ALL. THE. TIME.)
The truth is that the silent treatment literally gets you nowhere. If your relationship is a highway, the silent treatment is the car that has run out of fuel on the intersection, and is now blocking all the other traffic from passing. How’s that?I mean, if you think about it, it’s actually a bit passive aggressive too and, hey real talk, if it goes on for long enough it actually can be a really hurtful form of abuse.
Giving your spouse the cold shoulder is counter productive because there is no closure and the issue at hand is not addressed and it will not be addressed until words are exchanged. Consider yourself on a never ending carousal of having the same argument and repeating the same behavior, over and over and… well, you get it.
And anyways, the silent treatment usually ends in a non-silent uber explosion of word vomit that may or may not have you saying words you did not intend to use. I mean, being quiet while you’re feeling a plethora of emotions (hurt, angry, sad), simply causes those emotions to expand and, well, it has to go somewhere eventually, right?
Does it feel good? Heck ya! Is it damaging to your relationship? Definitely.
I mean, unless you need some time to process your feelings, and you mention this to your partner who then gives you space to deal with yourself before talking it out.
But other than that, friends, your silent treatment is pretty much a bundle of poop in the bath water of your marriage. I guess what I’m trying to say is that putting your pride aside, instead of basking in your anger or hurt, will get you much better results.
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For those days when you don’t want to be married anymore
Sometimes I get why they call marriage an “institution”… because my Hubstopher literally makes me go mental. And the funny thing is, a couple of hours prior to that, I thought that unicorns and rainbows appeared when he pooped. How is it possible that someone, who is able to make your heart feel as if it’s beatboxing to a Justin Bieber song, can also, simultaneously, bring out the absolute worst in you? Look, ladies, let’s be honest, sometimes you just don’t want to be married anymore. Oh wait, is it just me then?
Yes, you heard me. Can we be real, ladies? I sometimes feel as if I don’t want to have to deal with another person and their needs and emotions and opinions. Being single seems pretty amazing at that point.
But then, eventually, when I’ve built the bridge, gotten over it, and stand there on the other side waiting for a cup of tea, I am reminded that this is what marriage is all about. The fluffy clouds and bare-butt cupids are one part of it, yes. But the “arrrgh can’t you just go away, but like also, stay here, because I don’t want you to leave me ever!” feelings are part of the package.
It has made me re-evaluate how I see marriage and weddings and all of that. Mushy messages and weekends away and roses are all great things. Love and being inlove is important. BUT are you willing to CHOOSE each other, over and over again for the rest of your life? Choosing each other means choosing to forgive no matter the cost… choosing to love through imperfection… choosing to be present and weather the storms, instead of bailing… and choosing to move on, after an upset. Like, if I had to remember each time Hubstopher and I had a disagreement, I would probably lose my ish.
The truth is that once everything has settled down, I’m just so amazed that this guy – in all his calmness – has decided that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and my (sometimes erratic) spreadsheet brain. The beauty of marriage is right there… in the mess. It’s there, deep in the ugly, when you’re having the worst argument ever and a couple of hours later, still find yourself wanting to love the other person.
And so even when I feel like I don’t want to be married anymore, I take a breath and remember that this feeling of complete overwhelm is just that… a feeling. This moment is but a ‘comma’ in our chapter. And I am thankful that even when I’m not being the best version of me, he still chooses me, every day. And I choose him too. And that’s what makes it worth it.
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Do you keep your friend’s secrets from your husband?
I’ve only been married for a few seconds (give or take 4 years) but few things have baffled me about marriage the way this dilemma does: Should I be telling my husband my friend’s secrets? We know that marriage is built on foundations of trust, mutual respect and open communication. But is there a line that must be drawn when it comes to sharing information with your spouse? Wives, please tell me, do you keep your friend’s secrets from your husband? -
Dear husband, you’re not doing a good job…
Dear husband, you’re not doing a good job right now. I mean, not that I would ever tell you. And why should I? You should just know these things.
Things like knowing that: If I reply to your message with ‘K’ then I’m probably NOT “okay”. And my clipped, “whatever” and “do it if you want”, probably means I DON’T want you to do it. But you should easily pick that up. I mean, you should just know.
You should also know that when you sit in front of your computer for hours (the fact that it’s work related is not the point here, husband), my
deathintense stares probably mean that I need a little bit of attention. Yes, years later and I still get needy sometimes. Not that I would tell you.In fact, I shouldn’t HAVE to tell you that I dislike it when you get more excited about soccer than my latest work/friend/child-related saga update. I should be the only excitement in your life. And seriously, I don’t have to tell you that when I reference a giant, pink, cupcake on social media, it probably means that you need to show me your undying devotion by finding me said giant cupcake. (It has to be pink too.) I mean, why should I tell you. You should just know.
Husband, if you were doing a good job, then why didn’t you notice my freshly styled hair last week? Okay, I admit it’s still the same length. And still the same color. But it was “freshly styled” and you didn’t notice. Not doing a good job at all. If you were doing a good job you would’ve complimented me on the exquisite way I did my eye make up on Sunday. It looked SO good. I know this because Estelle, at church, noticed. But you didn’t. And no, I didn’t think to mention it to you because you should just know. Why should I tell you?
If you were doing a good job you would’ve stepped out of your mythical “nothing box” (which I don’t understand or believe in) and picked up that I wanted a foot rub, the other day, when I took my shoes off and sighed really loudly. Or that I needed you to rub my back when I walked into the kitchen semi-groaning, holding on to my fragile parts. I didn’t tell you because I figured that you should just know!
I mean, husband, if you were so amazing at being a husband, you would’ve known that I expected you to hold my hand the other morning when that old love jam played on the radio. Sure, I could have held yours… but, honestly, I expected you to make the first move. You should just know, duh. Just like you should have picked up that I wanted to watch a romantic movie, last Friday, when the kids went to bed early. But I would never, ever tell you that. Why should I?
In fact, why do I need to tell you anything at all? Husbands should just know. I’m not saying read my mind. But you’re my husband now so that means that you basically have to. Doesn’t it come with the package? So something’s not right here. I know I’m being rational. So it’s probably you. Not that I would tell you. You should just know.
Disclaimer: My hubstopher isn’t really all that bad, but yes, I’ll admit that I can be a bit loony toons on occasion. (The hormones, blame the hormones). Wife, girlfriend, do you get this way sometimes? I think that we are all faced with various levels of challenges when it comes to communication. Yes, even you Super Wife, shaking your head at me. I often have to remind myself to SAY SOMETHING instead of expecting this guy (who is probably really sitting in his “nothing box”) to know what I want.
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To Hubstopher, on his birthday
Today the man that I call Hubstopher celebrates a birthday. To him it’s just another day. To me, it’s a reason to celebrate his life and all that he means to us. You see, the thing is this, he often disregards all the wonderful attributes that make him unique and wonderful to me… things like being able to forgive someone who wronged him 5 minutes ago or offering to give someone a ride home, even when he is utterly exhausted or can’t afford it. Stuff like that. Being able to put another persons needs before yours may seem like the trait of a meek personality, but in my opinion it is one of the bravest, boldest characteristics to have.
He has a lot of friends… so many that we almost had 10 groomsmen in our wedding party. People enjoy being around him. He’s the guy who would stop to chat, in the middle of a shopping mall. (When I’m trying to bob and weave past people, because I have things to do!) He loves people! And he’s good at making them feel loved.
He is super, duper creative and an excellent musician. This guy can play more instruments than I have grey hair (so that’s like, a lot) and he is a top notch producer. He is extremely smart and most times would play his brilliance down, because he always feels like there is so much more to still learn and do.
My Hubstopher is the guy who would say “Okay, how can I fix it” if a complication arises. And if someone walks all over him he shrugs his shoulders and defends “ag, it’s okay.” Not because he is to weak to fight back. But rather because he is to smart to fight back. And hey, real talk, I sometimes don’t understand it and try to force him to stand his ground. But to him it’s just a whole lot of work doing something that is not going to give the right results. He always chooses peace, over ‘being right’. That’s wisdom right there.
My Hubstopher is the guy who would give up his last because he is that confident that God will provide his next. He’s the guy who laughs at the dumbest things (seriously, sometimes I’m just over here like “whaaa?”) but he’s also the guy that would shed a tear, quietly, when a friend loses a parent.
And hey, don’t get me wrong… the guy’s not perfect. He has his flaws – we all do. He’s made mistakes. But his finer qualities far outweigh his weaknesses, in my opinion. And in times of struggle, I’ve seen him choose life, over and over again.
My Hubstopher is a wonderful father to our kids. He loves our daughter so fiercely that she’ll probably still believe that she is a beautiful princess, way into her 20s. And it would be true. Our sons adore the living daylights out of him. Sometimes, I’m just over here like… “you guys know I’m one of your parents too, right?” He sees them all as unique and gives them exactly what they need, emotionally.One of my favorite things about him is that he gives so much of himself to my son, even when Kyle has an attitude. Instead of being an angry step father, he’ll look Kyle straight in the eye and say “Kyle, I love you and I only want what’s best for you.” He also has an undeniable bond with his own son. The boys adore him. He is more than okay that Seth has a step dad… another dad… in his life. He sees it as a bonus that there are 2 strong, Godly men in Seth’s life, shaping and influencing him. That says so much about his character.
He is gentle and passive but also extremely passionate about the things that are important to him. I probably don’t say this enough but I am so thankful for him. My man allows me to shine my light, without getting jealous or insecure about it. In fact, he’s the one who pushes me to shine brighter!
Happy Birthday to my Christopher – he’s the best of the best, he’s the greatest! 🙂 #mushymoment *andscene*
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“Being married sucks!” I told him
The other night, while in heated debate (let’s call it a heated debate, okay?) with my Hubstopher about something so mundane I can’t even remember what the topic was anymore, I said to him “I don’t know WHY people want to get married! Being married sucks!”
Yes, I said those words. Mainly to shock him into saying that he was wrong this whole time and that he can’t believe he has such a wonderful, beautiful wife. Instead, he fumed off and we didn’t speak to each other for the longest time.
Until it was bed time. Ah yes, then everything changed.
Why? Well, dear readers, because it’s Winter. And if ever there is a time that married folk enjoy the fact that they are married, it’s during those chilly Winter evenings. (Husbands and wives, hollar!) So that night, we got into bed (I promise, I’m keeping this post PG13) still angry, staying as far away from each other as possible, silently daring the other to as much as put a small toe on the wrong side of the bed! This lasted for all of 10 minutes until I felt Hubstopher slowly make his way over to my side. He snuggled up behind me and breathed a content sigh of “ahhhh, now I can sleep”.And that’s when I roundhouse kicked him, in the face, back to his side of the bed.
Bhaaaa who am I kidding, I let him snuggle. Nah, I snuggled right on back!As I lay there savoring the moment and falling asleep to the rhythm of his silent snores, I thought to myself: THIS is why people get married. Not for the companionship or the body heat. Though, those are definite pluses. No, you get married because you love this other person so much, that even if they made you super angry an hour ago, none of it would matter at the end of the day. Your marriage becomes your safe place and no matter how much your husband annoys the living daylights out of you (how does that work? I mean, what is living daylights anyways?) nothing is more important than having a right relationship with him and nothing beats having him snuggle up behind you at night.
So yes, marriage has it’s sucky times. Especially after you’ve had a baby, and everything changes, including your level of patience! (You can read more about that in an article I wrote for Lady Qs). Yep, marriage has it’s difficult moments where compromising feels like the worst idea in the world and having your way is the ONLY right way. It can get challenging when this other person does things differently to how you would. But it is there, in the mess of trying to make two completely different people live as one – in unity because they CHOOSE to be – where you will find the absolute sweet spot of a good marriage.
Needless to say, we woke up the next morning, and the heated debate had become a distant memory… unimportant… exactly what it was in the first place.
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Are you embracing your inner ‘psycho girlfriend’?
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably had your fair share of relationship dramatics. I mean, I don’t want to exaggerate or anything, but I’m convinced that my love life could, totally, be a whole season of 7de Laan. And hey, this is no shade thrown at my ex boyfriends. It’s not all their fault. I’ll admit, I’ve displayed psycho girlfriend tendencies on more than one occasion too (remember 7de Laan’s Tarryn?).
When I say “psycho girlfriend tendencies” I’m speaking about those feelings of ‘unloved’ or ‘unwanted’ or ‘not good enough’ one picks up after being hurt.
We all show signs of it on different levels. It can manifest itself in the forms of depression, low self-esteem, mistrust, manipulation or anger and it certainly makes you wonder if jumping into that relationship is such a good idea, after all. I mean, why risk entering a long-term commitment with the WRONG one, if it means toying with your emotional and mental stability?
Now I’m not here to make excuses, friends, but this is the reason why I plan to dissuade my kids from jumping from relationship to relationship. A string of failed relationships is the breeding ground for insecurities and perceptions that are probably as far from the truth as Tarryn and a GHD is. It is these very same negative perceptions that influence how you respond in your next relationship and eventually your marriage. AAACK.
Test the waters, they say. It’ll be good for you, they say.
Well, if I could go back in time and undo all the damage brought on by being in the wrong relationships, I would in a heart beat. (Sorry ex boyfriends. It’s not you, it’s me.) Please take this as a reminder that it’s okay to NOT be ready for that relationship. No matter how cute he is when he laughs.
My advice to you is to wait until you are ready. Have your deal breakers in place and be on high alert for those warning bells. Don’t give the ‘psycho girlfriend tendencies’ opportunity to manifest in your life! You hear me?! Whenever you contemplate giving your singledom away, for an unconfirmed frollick in the sun, picture me, with a police siren on my head and a loudspeaker to my mouth saying: “Step away from the ‘psycho girlfriend.’ I repeat. Step away from the ‘psycho’!”
At the end of the day, being happy – and I mean, truly happy – is an inside job. Find the one that complements you… not the one that completes you. Unless you’re into the whole psycho girlfriend vibe. In which case ignore this whole blog post.
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Marriage, weddings and saying yes to the dress
Wedding photos taken by Donna vd Watt Photography As I’ve mentioned before, a bunch of our friends (who happened to be part of our bridal party when we got married) have said yes to the dress and are also getting married now! I’d like to think that it was our inloveness that rubbed off on them. (Shameless credit hogging)
As friendship would have it, Chris and I have both been asked to be bridesmaid/groomsmen in these weddings, so it’s kinda taking me back into “wedding freak out” mode. In a good way. I love the excitement of weddings and the thought that 2 people are about to enter into a beautiful covenant together! Part of my wedding speech, to Chris, was that although I am sister, daughter, friend to many, I am wife to only ONE! Marriage is such a beautiful thing. Good job God, good job.
Anyways, so today I went with Risa to fit on her wedding dress and lo and behold what do I spot in the dressmakers shop? My wedding dress! AACK! I had it “made to hire” because really, what must I do with a
wedding dress after the wedding? Just seeing it hang there brought back sooo much memories and emotions.The pic doesn’t do the color justice. I had purposefully chosen a champagne/goldy dress because (besides for steering away from the conventional white) I wanted something that represented where Chris and I were at in our lives. I mean, it’s no secret that we had a kid each, going into this marriage. And for me, although God has restored like only He can, wearing all white simply did not symbolise exactly what He has done in my life. He took a dream that seemed to be broken and impossible and turned it into pure gold! This dress, in many ways, was me shedding the old and putting on new robes. It is a testament to how God is able to turn ashes into beauty.
And besides for all that spiritual stuff, I think that amidst all the wedding planning and preps, choosing your wedding dress and fitting it on for the very first time kinda gives you the best kind of “this is actually happening!” feeling. I obviously cried when I fit my dress on the first time (obviously) and I remember feeling like a princess in it.
Sigh
Don’t mind me, I’m just going to sit here and wallow in some nostalgia….
What is your wedding dress story, friends?
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What do you do when husband says no to the dress
I recently went dress shopping and spotted a bunch of seriously cute (and seriously short) dresses. (Who are they making these things for? The smurfs?!) There were a few decent picks but, when I tried them on, I knew that Hubstopher would not approve. Not that he regularly dresses me, I wear what I want. But when it comes to the length of my skirt or the inches of cleavage that I am showcasing, he prefers to have the final say. And I let him. But I wondered if I was wrong in doing so. What would you do when husband says no to the dress?
I chatted to a few close sister-friends and received some mixed emotions regarding the situation. Some shared that they don’t believe that your husband gets a say in what you wear. If you want the dress, then buy the dress. Other’s said that the marriage comes first and pleasing husband should be right up there on your list of important things to do.
After much conversating and debating, I ended up waiting for Hubstopher to give a thumbs up on the dress, and here’s why:
1. I think the idea behind being married is that you begin to share a life with someone else. The two of you make decisions together that would ultimately reflect in the type of lives you lead. Your decisions are also reflectant on who you are as a unit. As much as you are still an individual, you also represent each other now. (That’s why I iron his shirts ya’ll) If I wear something that makes him uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable.
2. I married someone that I love and can trust. I believe that his decisions will always be in our best interest and that he will always want the best for me. Knowing that makes it easy for me to accept his advice or critique as a message of concern and not manipulation or control.
3. Choosing a life partner is a pretty big deal and I had to choose wisely. I’ve put a lot of (healthy) expectation on this guy! (Don’t we all?) But with the “I do’s” came a huge responsibility on me too! Just like how I expect him to love and protect me, he expects me to honor and respect him. A friend told me that she will never ever dishonor her hubby in public (or in private, I guess) and that was such a powerful statement to me. If wearing that dress would make him feel dishonored then I’d rather ditch the dress. Like, for real, the dress is so not worth it.4. I believe what the Bible says about wives submitting to husbands. As a strong, modern woman, being a submissive wife is no easy task. We seem to think that submission is a sign of weakness. But it is the total opposite. I mean, no one said anything about being timid. Submission is not a sign of value, it is a reflection of character and humility. Submitting does not make him more important and me less important. Submitting means that I allow him to take the lead and it means that he has the stuff it takes to be the leader. Submitting doesn’t mean that I don’t get to have a say. As another clever friend explained, a healthy marriage means that the two of you are in agreement… So in this case, I agree with his decision.
5. And finally, let me just keep it real, if homeboy made me wear polo-neck tops during the peak of Summer, then I would be a bit concerned. But, the fact that he only speaks up on the rare occasion, makes me sit up and listen! This is the husband of my youth and I plan to take what he says seriously until the day that I can’t remember who he is anymore.
(By the way, it turns out he liked the dress anyways! Go figure!)
So, ladies, what is your take on the topic? Would you wear it even after husband said no to the dress?
