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Co-parenting drama in December? Ho, Ho, NO!
I’m quite fond of my children. I mean, I totally don’t want to get rid of them, if you know what I mean. It’s amazing how you’re never quite a pro, at parenting, even if you’ve been at it for a long time. And when it comes to co-parenting, even more so! Kyle is in his teens already and I still feel like I don’t know what the heck to do with my emotions in December! The end of each year always has me feeling all the parenting feels because he travels to his dad, to spend December with his other family. Yep, more than 10 years of him not being with me on Christmas day, and my heart still feels as if it’s beat-boxing to Gangnam Style when he gets on the plane. But, as much as I hate it seeing him go, I refuse to partake in co-parenting drama in December.
For starters, the kid didn’t choose this life. So I’m not about to insert my #momfeelings into the equation simply because I feel more entitled to having him with me. Truth be told, he needs both me and his dad. I’m not the Beyonce of this situation. We are all in it together. And, if we want to be fair about this thing, December is the longest time he spends with his dad, step mom and siblings. It sucks for me but Kyle is super duper excited. It’s a worthy sacrifice in my opinion.
Obviously, I’m still a mom and I’m never quite at peace until my boy is home; safe and soundly annoying the living daylights out of me, as he does. So until he gets back, I usually check up on him as often as I can. And I pray a lot, a lot, a lot. Seth, on the other hand is quite blessed to have both sets of parents in the same city. So Christmas with him usually means seeing him for only half the day. I feel like we’ve got this festive season co-parenting gig sorted. But I was wondering how other co-parenters do it. I mean, is there a trick to it? Well, this is what I found online:
When co-parenting in December, always be mindful of:
1. The other parent’s time. I mean, sure they should just be flippen grateful that they get to see the kid at all. Right? Wrong. We are all human beings and we all deserve respect, yo. In most cases, the usual “even split”, which sees the kid with one parent in the morning, and the other parent in the evening, works like the bomb dot com. My suggestion? Talk to one another and reach a compromise, without the intense desire to be the “winner”, in the situation. How about letting the kid be the winner?
2. Long distance love. For those co-parenting from different cities, a great idea would be a week split. One parent gets the kid for the week leading up to Christmas and Christmas day, and the other for the week leading up to New Years, and New Years day. Win-win, really.
3. The gifts. We had a situation, one year, where one of the parents in our quadruple parenting situation was not happy with a gift that was given to one of the kids. It reminded me that we need to be mindful of each other, when it comes to gift giving too! Kyles dad and I now regularly have “so what are you getting him?” conversations, which is helpful.
4. Traditions. I’m big on traditions. Like, to me, Christmas tradition is almost as important as Christmas day. There, I said it. I appreciate when the boys are allowed to partake in my Christmas crazy, because I mean, what are traditions without having your whole family with you? (Or staring at you, as if you’re a loony toon)
5. The other family. I mean, ignoring your ex and the other family is pretty easy, I’m sure. But we’re not good at playing that game, at our house. Mainly because our boys are always so eager to tell us what went down, who got which gifts and all the funny things that happened. We encourage it! Christmas cheer is Christmas cheer, yo! We’ll take what we can get! But it also sets your kid at ease, and kinda makes them feel like it’s OKAY TO FEEL GOOD about spending time with the other family.So what do you guys think? Can any of my co-parenters relate to any of this? Drop your comments below. I mean, as I said in the beginning, 16 years later and I still learn something new every year! At the end of the day, your kid is what matters. Don’t be a jerk. That’s is all.
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Four kids later and I’m not coping
I know it looks super cool to have a big family. I mean, our family photo’s are lit because there’s literally one of us in every single size and age group. But in reality, I feel as if I’m not coping. Four kids later and I kinda want to take a permanent vacation somewhere not here. Please? Okay, let’s stop being dramatic for like, a few seconds.
It all started this morning (I’m talking about the mini-emo session that I’m currently having) when I realized that I drove to work on fumes. I had forgotten to refuel the car because we were in a hurry to get the kids to school and ourselves to work. By the time I eventually rocked up at the office, I realized that it was probably the good Lord himself who safely delivered me here because the cars fuel light had been flashing since yesterday afternoon. No jokes.
Life has been crazy with a capital “cray”. Jo is a baby, so that speaks for itself. Kari… well, she’s turning three years old soon and she’s as diva as they come. And this is not me bragging. Kyle and Seth are writing exams soon and then there’s the guilt that we aren’t doing enough for them and with them. Pair this up with the fact that we only have one car now, and can you see where I’m going with this? (Or not going. One car, remember?)
Besides for just not having enough time or like, mental capacity, to parent four children and stay sane at the same time, you must remember that we also need to pay the school fees of four children. So a lot of side hustling happens regularly, with me writing and Chris computer-ing and music-ing (what else would you call it), but this means that we’re permanently busy. Oh and I didn’t even mention the other commitments we have. To top that off, we are married! Granted, it’s to each other and we can cut each other some slack on the married front, surely. But still. I can’t remember the last time I held my hubstopher’s hand, for FUN.
Anyways, so with that said, I’ve decided to take this moment and write a little emo post. Mainly because I know that “this too shall pass” and because I want to have this moment documented somewhere for the day when it does, so that I can look back and go “ahh, see, it did pass.” But also because I know that I’m not the only mom going through a complete season of overwhelm right now.I’m not saying it’s “okay” to be overwhelmed. But I am saying that it’s okay to feel as if you don’t have all your ish together, all of the time. So this ones for you mom, who feels as if you’re not coping too. I see you, girl. You’ve got this. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
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I get why it’s illegal for parents to spank their kids
It is the year 2017. A time where we keep our front doors locked, in the peak of summer. A time where it makes perfect sense to jump a red robot at 2am, because you never know who might rock up at your window. A time where we’re afraid to eat the chicken in case it has flu. And a time where it has become illegal for parents to spank their children.
Oh the shock! The horror! The outrage! We should be allowed to spank our kids! I hear you say. You’re right. I mean, why ban corporal punishment in the home? What does this even mean?!
Well, no, it does NOT mean that the Johannesburg High Court has decided to “keep up with the Kardashians” and is now feeling as if corporal punishment is like, soooo, not on trend at the moment. In case you didn’t know, the term “corporal punishment” basically refers to any punishment which uses physical force to bring about pain or discomfort. And alas, the percentage of parents who have severely injured their kids, under the guise of ‘giving a good spanking’ are just too high. Their lack of anger management means that the high court has to step in, in order to protect our kiddos.
So, as much as I agree that it sucks. (I mean, have you read my “angry mom” post? I like, SO, want to be able to give my kids a spanking without being charged for assault.) But let me remind you about the gross injustice so many of our young South Africans face, on a daily basis, at the hands of family members and parents who are suppose to care for them, and not hurt them.
This affects all of us and the way we raise our children. I mean, let’s be honest, a large percentage of us South African parents know when to draw the line between punishment and assault, when it comes to giving our kids a spanking. But unfortunately, the High Court has to stick up for the kids of the parents who kinda don’t.
So that’s where we are at, South Africa. Our children deserve better.
What are your thoughts on the new law?
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When you’re not exactly the perfect parent
This week I had to make peace with the fact that I’m not always a “perfect parent”. Let me explain: I know that children are a beautiful gift unto our wombs and all of that, but I’ve been feeling especially overwhelmed lately. The need to be the perfect parent seemed to be clashing with the fact that, oh look, I’m a human being too. Has this ever happened to you?
This past week, a vast majority of my household cautiously clambered their way out of
the pit ofthe worst case of gastro known to man. Just when I thought things would return to normal baby Jo then developed a really bad case of thrush. The thrush infection quickly escalated, eventually infecting his digestive tract. My baby boy could not hold a feed in for three days straight. Picture me driving like a crazy lady between work and my sister’s house, as I try to balance being a mother versus having a job.As if that wasn’t enough, Kari seemed to be particularly energetic this week. Her levels were peaking last night, while we tried to ‘shush’ her during the speeches at an event. Guys, let’s just say, I made a speech while she was tugging on me, while loudly (and obnoxiously) letting everyone know that she wants a blue cupcake immediately please. The beautiful thing about having a baby while trying to raise a toddler is that you can’t lose your ish, even though you really want to. Oh wait, did I say “beautiful thing”? I meant to use the words “crazy mess”.
When I eventually got home with my sick kid, my needy kid and my teenage kid, I had to nurse a headache the size of the iceberg that hit the Titanic. Except that I felt like the Titanic in this situation. It was at this point that I decided that I want to toss out of adulting altogether. I wasn’t in the mood to cook a healthy meal. I didn’t want to tidy the house or make sure my children were bathed. I wasn’t keen on reading them bedtime stories or checking homework.So I didn’t.
I felt like a loser parent, I’m not going to lie to you. I mean, I should be doing this better, somehow. But then I realized that I need to give myself a flippen break man! I’m not a “perfect parent”. Heck, I probably wouldn’t be one, even if I busted by chops trying! And anyways, I’m sure my kids aren’t looking for super mom. They just want to be loved (and for me to turn on my wifi hotspot now and then). Those are two things I definitely can work my way around doing. So I ended up giving the minis a quick wash, got them into PJ’s and camped out in my room with blankets and tea. Kyle made sandwiches for supper (gasp, somebody call child services) as Kari and I watched ‘Storks’ for the umpteenth time. My “perfect parent” theory nothing more than a puff of smoke as I feel the steady breathing of my sleeping baby, against me. All was right with the world. We were okay. I did what I could for today. Tomorrow, we try again.
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Do you hold regular family meetings?
Does your family hold regular family meetings? You know, a gathering of sorts, where you are able to share your thoughts and feelings with each other? Yep, I get it, if you grew up in the *cough* 90’s like I did, a family meeting would be a foreign concept. In fact, it would be laughable! I mean, if we had family meetings back when I was a kid, my mum would respond to my “chores is child labor” claims with a shoe against my face. Well, that is a mild exaggeration, but you get the gist. Parents of the 90’s (and earlier) were not prone to needing the advice or opinion of their children. But things have changed, it seems.
So according to quite a few websites (I’m linking them below), it’s important to hold regular family meetings. These sites claim that families should sit down and deliberate decisions together… as a group. As in, your kid gets to have a say. One expert says that decisions should not be made without the kids consult. Apparently that’s dictatorship and no one wants to be that guy.
I read that holding meetings is a great way to include everyone in the decision making process and it creates a space where you can address issues, openly and calmly. Have you guys tried this at home? Well, I did, the other day. I mean, I figured that we arent living in 19-voetsak anymore and that it would be cool to hear the kids thoughts on certain things. Here’s how ours went down:
Winning
It was cool to address topics that were areas of concern. We brought up sensitive issues and made sure that everyone knew that we would respect each other’s opinion. Kyle (who loves debate) could argue his case and explain how he feels. And we could respond with our reasoning and thoughts on the topic. We then reached an amicable conclusion and were able to move on from the issue.Flopping
Did you read the part where I said that Kyle loves to debate? ‘Cause that. The kid can argue his point until next week, if given the chance. We had to remind him that this was a brainstorming session, and not an opportunity to attack each other. AND most importantly (well, for me probably), we get to have the final say because we are the big people.Conclusion
I think that family meetings are a great idea. But, before you hop right in there Harriet, lay down the law. Have some “family meeting rules” to comply with. In fact, a talking stick is also a really good idea too.Here are other bits of advice I found, that really helped us:
– Create a safe place (no judgies) for everyone to respectfully share their thoughts.
– What happens in Family Meeting, stays in Family meeting.
– For every negative comment, three positive comments must follow.
– Brainstorm ways to do things better, instead of focusing on the problem.
– Write down family goals and determine ways to reach them.
– Set the date for your next family meeting.So, that’s my take on the family meeting. What do you think, moms? Is this something that you’ve implemented in your own home? Please share your advice in the comment section below – you’ll be surprised at how many mama’s draw on the info that they receive in the comments.
Resources:
Centre for Parenting Education
Planning Alt
Lifestyle Plus Centre -
Why I don’t pay pocket money for chores
It’s tempting to ‘motivate’ children to do their chores with a little financial incentive. I mean, who’s really winning when you get to pay them just R5 to pack and unpack the dishwasher? But, there is a danger in this and it didn’t take us long to decide, as a family, that chores get done for free. -
Why being a mother sucks sometimes
Being a mother sucks. What? You don’t agree? Wait, maybe I wasn’t being clear: You know all the amazing parts of being someones mom? Stuff like hearing them call you “mama” for the first time and being able to snuggle up next to them as you read Good night, Mouse for the umpteenth time? Well, those things seem extremely over-rated when you’re exhausted after having to change your bedding (thanks to a massive squirt of newborn poop) and then have to referee an argument between a 2-year old and a 15-year old about who gets to sit on the “big couch”. Oh, hi there, excuse me where are my manners. My name is Luchae Williams and I am the proud
ownermother of one newborn, one toddler, step-mom to one primary schooler and mom to one extremely opinionated highschooler. Mental status: Currently losing my mind.I know, I know, I can hear what you’re thinking. And allow me to reiterate: I DO love my children and I am aware that there are hundreds of women who would give actual limbs to be in my position. But hey, sometimes being mom means keeping it real. And the reality is that my kids drive me crazy! Like “Gone Girl” crazy. Like shaving my hair off ala Britney Spears crazy.
Do your kids make you want to go to the toilet to just sit there, and enjoy the silence? Welcome, friend! Do you often find yourself thinking “oh, just go away!” with a smile on your face, while listening to another boring story about soccer? I see you, girlfriend! Have you ever dreamt about your life pre-children, with stars in your eyes and longing in your heart? I feel your pain, Jane! Does feeling this way make us bad people? Uhhh, nope. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes. Being a parent is not easy and if you think about it, no one asked us to be superhuman. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves?
You know the saying about kids being your heart on the outside of your body? Well that’s the truest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. And I’m old… so I’ve heard a lot of things in my life. The thing is, children trick you. They make you believe that you’re going to fall pregnant, or find that perfect adoption agency, or marry that guy, and suddenly be Super Parent… in a land filled with domesticated sunshine and roses and finger painting parties in the backyard. You chat about a future that holds sleepless nights, more expenses and less time for yourself and you actually think that you’re READY for it. But truth be told, you’re never really ready.And once that kid is there, in your world, in living color. Oh boy! There is no. turning. back. You are in it for life! Nothing else will be more important ever again. You find yourself semi-moaning (okay in this case alot-of-moaning) about how your kids tire you out and steal your time but the truth is, you don’t want and can’t see a life without them. And no amount of sleep or glitzy career moves or toned abdominal muscles will EVER come close to the way you feel when they call you mama for the first time or when you’re snuggled up reading Good night, Mouse for the umpteenth time.
You become vulnerable… all your mushy parts exposed… living life with your heart on the outside of your body, in tiny human form. And if you’re a spreadsheet brain like I am, you’ll probably think that being a mom sucks too because it feels SO good to belong to them… to be so weak and yet so strong. It’s beautiful and scary and empowering and so very humbling all at the same time.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s worth it.
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My teen will not be watching 13 Reasons Why
So I jumped onto the ‘hip bandwagon’ and finally watched the hit Netflix mini-series, 13 Reasons Why. I had been told that it was a story about the suicide of a teenage girl and some people claimed that the show held legit life lessons that all teenagers could learn from. Sure thing, Suzy, but I need to get my eyes on this series first before I allow my kid to watch it. And you bet ya he’s been asking if he can! I must admit, the series left me feeling pretty disturbed, and for that reason my teen will NOT be watching 13 Reasons Why. -
Dissecting my role as a stepmom
According to some movies, the stereotypical stepmother is usually someone reminiscent of the ‘Wicked Witch of the West’. Well, I’ve been a stepmom to my stepson for about 3 years now – and in his life for about 8 – and I’d like to think that my witch tendencies are at a minimum. Mind you, it’s not always easy to be a supplementary mom to a kid who already has a very present, hands on mom. In fact, what is my role as a stepmom anyways? Besides for being married to the kids dad, I mean. And how do you avoid overstepping boundaries?
Look, its a no brainer, blended families are more predominant in this day and age, that’s for sure. And with it comes the challenge of making it work, while keeping all parties happy and the development of the child on the forefront. Some of things that I’ve found works for me (well, I hope it’s working!) is:
1. I don’t interfere
This is a hard task to see through, especially when you have a spreadsheet brain and a gazillion other children of your own. But I have found my greatest reward in having Hubstopher allow me and Kyle’s dad to “parent” our son together as much as we can. It is with this same respect that I allow Hubstopher and my stepson’s mom to parent their son together. I’m talking about giving them space to make those hard decisions and discuss the best way forward for the kid. Look, if you’re putting your ego into this, you’re probably not doing it right. As a stepmom I want the best for the kid. And sometimes that means I need to keep my mouth shut.2. I don’t expect anything in return
The thing about being a parent – whether it be step or bio, adopted or in-law – is that it’s a selfless job to take on. I’m not out here waiting for a round of applause after I’ve changed my daughter’s diapers or cooked my son a meal. Why should it be any different for my stepson? And if I want recognition, who best to get it from than the kid himself? I don’t need a pat on the back from family or friends or the parenting community of the world. Your pat on the back can’t buy me food or Steri Stumpies.
3. I don’t compare
If you’re comparing your stepchild to your bio child, and wondering why the one can’t be more like the other, I’ve got news for you: Each child is different, even if they came from the same womb. Kyle is stubbornly independent, whereas Seth can be a bit more clingy. But I attribute that to their personalities and characteristics. Each child is to be celebrated. Creating comparisons, even if just in your head, opens a door for negative thinking. Red alert, stepmom: avoid that stinking thinking bug! Pretty soon a thought turns into a feeling and a feeling into a deep rooted issue and before you know it, you’re the ‘Wicked Witch of the West’. Not a good look.4. I don’t try to be the “cool” parent
As a step parent you often wonder if the kid even likes you. And yes, you could go about doing things to please them and get on their good side. But guess what, I have rules in my home and those rules apply to ALL our children. I don’t need you to like me and I don’t need you to think that I am the coolest parent. Why? Because I want you to grow up to be a really amazing human being, that’s why. If any of our kids think I suck for not allowing them to stay up till 3am to play XBox, oh well. They’ll get over it. (Analyses based on a true story.) There are other people in my life who think I am exceptionally cool. I’ll be okay.5. I don’t assume the role of Mother
I’m not the kids mother. That’s that. I will always do my best to include him in everything but for me to expect him to treat me as if I am the first lady in his life is absolutely ludicrous. I do understand that there are situations where the bio mom is not present, and I totally get the beauty in having a stepmom take over that role. In my situation, this is not the case and that’s okay too! In fact, when Mother’s Day comes around I expect him to honor his OWN mom. Not getting chocolates or flowers or a handwritten card won’t devalue my role, as stepmom, in his life. I wouldn’t mind a nice cup of tea though. In fact, I want a cup of tea right now actually. Someone?With all of this said, allow me to reiterate that I am NOT perfect. I am a work in progress! Our family has its own set of challenges and bumpy roads to overcome. But hey, I’m sure every family does – no matter what ‘family’ looks like to you.
What are your thoughts on the topic, ladies? We’re all learning here. Are you a stepmother? Have you found ways to make your relationship with your stepchild work? Please share them with us!
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Help! My kid wants to date!
The other day, in mid-‘living my life’, my teen mentioned the word DATING to me. Gasp! My kid wants to date! The outcry! The audacity! The shock and horror!
I tried to not give him a look that said “boy, are you out of your mind?!” Because, I mean, the kid is growing up so it would make sense that he would show interest in this kind of thing.
But dating?!
So many questions came up. Like, would it affect his school work? And what does he expect to GET out of it? Is he ready for the commitment? And more importantly, am I ready for him to be ready for the commitment?!
I didn’t want to scare him away, while I got all up in my feelings, so I excused myself and took a moment to throw a silent, non-violent, facial-expressionless #momfit.
Taking a metaphorical woosah, before responding, gave me some clarity. And honestly, guys, up until the other day my boy had no interest in going to school dances or hanging out at a mall with friends because his XBox and younger brother were more than enough entertainment. We are very lucky that he’s content and not living past his years. But hey, he’s growing and changing and the last thing I want to do is make him feel as if he is doing something wrong, when he isn’t. So we had a heart to heart of sorts…and it wasn’t all that painful.
4 tips for tips for when your teen wants to start datingValidate their feelings
Teenagers are like mini-adults and the best thing you could do for your mini-adult is to validate their feelings. Let them know that you GET them. So that’s what I tried to do. I mean, hands up if you’ve done something forbidden behind your parents back. *raises all the hands* Yep, those were my hands. All of them. I’ve been there and I don’t want my children to feel as if they have to go down that route too. So we spoke about the girl/girls that he likes and how it’s okay to like someone and admire qualities about them.You don’t need to act on it
But with that said, we also explained that you don’t always have to do SOMETHING about it. Peer pressure and the “prescribed norm” ages our kids way faster than they are mentally ready. We explained that it’s okay to have friends that are girls and to hang out with them etc. But that doesn’t mean that you have to “cuddle” and *shudder* all these other things that his friends are doing. We spoke about sex. Yes, we didn’t use other words to sugar coat it. Sex is sex. I know his stance on it, but I also explained that both Chris and I had kiddies when we were still kiddies (remember, I told you guys that we had our sons before we even met) so it’s totally possible to go from “cuddling” to “more than cuddling” without even knowing that you’re headed there!Lay down the law
Once all the mushy stuff was said, I also had to lay down the law, because I’m the big person and he’s the little person (okay, okay, GROWING little person) and that’s how it works around our parts. We chatted a bit about what it means to be in a relationship and he agreed that maybe 16, 17, 18 (more like 30, 31, 32! aack) years old is a more mature age to commit to a whole other person. We spoke about what that would mean, how we would support him (chaperoning dates etc) and that he has all this time now to think about what it means to be in a relationshipGo easy on ’em but also, don’t
We laughed a lot and chatted about scenarios. We want our boys to grow up respecting women and treating the ones that they are close to with respect. Yep – I am not buying into that “my son’s a heart breaker” crap. Why? Because I have a daughter, and I will not allow my boy to treat a girl any differently to how we would expect a boy to treat our own daughter. Moms, you are raising someones future husband! You are raising someones future first love! I take that very seriously.Pray!
I figured that this last one right here is the most important, yo. I can’t always be with my kids but I know that God can. So I pray that they will make good decisions and I pray that they will be leaders in their sphere of influence and not followers who easily succumb to peer pressure. If you are a praying parent, it would also be a good idea to pray WITH your kids. It helps them to take responsibility for their feelings and actions.So yes, that was my horrific experience this week. And please, don’t be fooled, all of this looks REALLY good on paper – but truth be told I honestly don’t know how it’s going to turn out. But I do know that I want my kid to grow up to be a really superb adult and I figured that this is a pretty good start.
Moms, dads, what would you do in this situation? Do you have a plan in place for when your little one wants to start dating? Leave your wisdom in the comment section below.
Disclaimer: I received permission from my teen to share this post.
