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Co-parenting: I failed my child
I chat about single parenting, co-parenting and the blended family a lot on this here blog. But I always try to keep it neutral when it comes to sharing the deets of my own life and situations, simply because my story isn’t only MY story and I want to respect the privacy of all parties involved in our co-parenting journey. So you’ll often find me referencing a friend or family member when chatting about these topics… I mean, most blended families experience the same kind of challenges anyways.
But today I need to share from my own personal experience. I need to tell you guys what is on my heart. And I need to be transparent or else the guilt will consume me.
So this past weekend we celebrated my boy’s Matric Dance. It was a huge deal for me (as I explained here) because I single-parented my way through most of his schooling since his dad lives in another part of the country. So yes, guys, I hired the backdrop, made sure my family wore matching outfits and I even arranged tables of finger foods (you know, old school style) because it was a worthy celebration.
I thought that I had done right by my child, but alas, all was not well. He wasn’t happy. The puffy eyes told me so.
It turns out no matter how fancy his photo backdrop or how delicious the finger foods were, one thing was missing for him. His dad. The boy needed the reassurance that only a bio dad can give, I guess. But all he got was silence.
I knew this would happen. In fact, I spent the week EXPECTING the guy to be a no-show. Kinda WANTING him to prove me right, so that I could have that “I told you so!” moment and somehow feel vindicated. I mean, that would prove to everyone that I’m not just a disgruntled “baby mama” who nags about everything (as we do, apparently)… right?
But when the day of said vindication came, instead of feeling as if I won, I felt like a loser… like I had failed my child. Seeing the longing on his face totally broke me.
I was completely at war with myself… blaming myself for what could have been. I mean, I could have done more to give my child what he so desperately needed that day… a little bit of his bio dad.
I’m a creative lass. I could have made a plan to get the kid’s father to somehow be present… booked a plane ticket, bus ticket, whatever it took.
Or maybe I should have gotten his dad and “other” family to send through video clips congratulating him. I could even have made a photo collage or a video montage, to give the kid the feeling that his bio dad is here, even if just in thought. I should have let the boy know that his bio dad is proud of him, even if he didn’t actually say this with his own mouth (to me, atleast).
Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda.
After some deep introspection, I realised that I needed to let go of the guilt. I had been walking around with anger (towards the guy and towards myself) and it wasn’t helping the situation. I mean, instead of wanting the kid’s dad to be a great father, I kinda set him up for failure (in my heart, atleast) by expecting the worst. And instead of reassuring my child, I allowed myself to operate in spite.
I was reminded that, as the baby mama, spitefulness and vindictiveness will only HURT YOUR CHILD. Your child’s heart is more important than the need to be proven right. I mean, sure you can’t force the other parent to be present, but wouldn’t you want that for your child anyways?
I learnt that the key ingredient to successfully co-parenting your kid is to remove your ego. I can’t control you (or make you respond to my messages) but I can control me and my motive. It’s my job to be the best parent to my child… whether my ego likes it or not. Walking in grace and forgiveness isn’t a temporary thing for “when I feel like it”. It’s constant and it is meant to be applied to ALL relationships in your life… even the challenging ones that involve your kid’s other parent.
I am so thankful that God’s mercies are new every morning and that we get an opportunity to try again, no matter how messy the situation seems.
Clip note: I married the BEST man in the whole entire world, friends. Hubstopher totally stepped up and did everything and more to fill the missing hole. After the dance, the two of them had a great heart to heart, which I do believe brought a lot of healing.
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Matric Dance celebrations: how big is too big?
Depending on where you grow up, your Matric Dance (aka “prom”) evening can be as simple as “just another night on the town” or as extravagant as a wedding. My brown people usually opt for the latter, going the extra mile with the send off, sparing no expense on draping the dining room (for the photos mos), expensive catering and the hiring of high end luxury vehicles to make that special night that much more special.
It’s a big night – big celebrations must be had! I totally get and support that. But I guess it’s not for everyone. I’ve had chats with people who were like, uhmmm no I’m not spending extra money on this. In fact, my own Matric Dance send off was very NOT over-the-top. There were no gushing family members guzzling down pastries, no hired photographer and guys, I didn’t even have a fancy car waiting outside for me. Was my evening amazing? Well, yes it was. I mean, not having those things didn’t, like, scar me for life.
A simple send off worked quite well for me. But guys, it’s my firstborns Matric Dance this coming weekend and I’m going way bigger than I had planned! (Okay way bigger for me – but maybe not big enough, for some.)Yes, my friends, I’ve morphed into that mother (you know, the next level extra one I spoke about last week) and find myself hiring a 2 meter photo backdrop and arranging a 5 meter string of fairy lights, for the occasion. I also have things like: savory platters, curling custard, after party clothes and “funky socks” on my To Pay For list. Who am I evens?!
Will my family and I wear color-coordinated outfits for the event? Probably. Did I allow Kyle to send out invitations to all his friends and their cats? Definitely. Am I planning to make a long-winded speech, that will most likely end in tears? Without a doubt.
All of a sardine having a simple Matric Dance send off is like, totally ludicrous! MUST. DO. THE. MOST!
Suddenly I want to hire Emo Adams to MC and I want to send everyone home with a party pack. I find myself Googling things like “how to make pyrotechnics” and “how much does it cost to hire a Lamborghini Diablo in Port Elizabeth”. My plans of a simple Matric Ball send off all a forgotten memory as I shop around for a photographer, a videographer and someone who could maybe film a music video because “that hasn’t been done yet.”
Truth be told, a Matric Dance kinda symbolises the end of an era. For the kid it means their adulting days are looming. For the parents: we don’t have to pay school fees anymore (and the crowd goes rah!) and we finally get to see the fruit of our labour. (And by labour I am most definitely referring to the 3 hours worth of homework we have to dohelp with each night.)I mean, hey, I kinda raised this boy all by myself (with help of family members and amazing friends). I paid for expensive schooling, sat through treacherous hours of completing assignments due the next day, helped to memorise facts about South African history that even I didn’t know and attended school “family days” where the only family around was me because his dad lived in a different city and that’s just how single parenting works.
Sure, each family celebrates differently – and that’s okay! But for my boy and I, having a simple Matric Dance send off just wouldn’t make sense if I consider the bumpy roads and the obstacle courses we navigated successfully.
We have a lot to celebrate! And that, my dear, is totally worth draping the dining room, long winded speeches and expensive catering.
Matric 2019 – we made it!
Photo credits:
Header image: Photo by victoria on Unsplash
Pic of Ronelle and I, taken at my wedding by Donna van der Watt
Black and white pic of Kyle and I, taken like, 12 years ago, not sure where -
Newborn checklist: My stripped down list of must-haves
When you’re a bit of a baby aficionado, like I am, you kinda know what’s up when it comes to baby stuff. I mean, the running joke is that my next baby’s entrance into the world will be so easy, that it’ll probably appear wearing a whole outfit, including matching beanie and socks. *insert crickets chirping*
But regardless of how, uhm, experienced you are at child rearing, preparing for a little bebe can seem very daunting especially when you eye those extravagantly long lists on the internet, put together by mothers who are – for lack of a better term – next level extra.
I mean, we’ve all been that “next level extra” mom. Aint nothing wrong with that… I mean, I kinda still am, sometimes. But truth be told, my fellow mamas, you actually need very little for baby’s first few days on earth. In fact, if you compare those (very long) lists with the amount of stuff that are very necessary, you’d be surprised at how minimal your baby list should actually be.
Now the only reason why this topic is coming up on my blog today is because I am tired. (Yes, this is the mantra of my life right now, bail a sister). And because I am tired, I haven’t even attempted to do any baby shopping for baby Williams arrival at the end of August. But, in my defense, I know that I only need these 7 things to get by during those first few weeks:
1. Onesies
I love little baby crawlers and onesies, especially for the first few months, because quite honestly you guys, no one is seeing that outfit underneath swaddle blankets. Snap crotch vests are life (I said that here, remember) and comfy crawlers and onesies are perfect for baby’s transition from womb to world. I stan a cute onesie, over a pair of 0-3 month skinny jeans, any day!2. Blankets
Talking about blankets, these are obvz a must. Swaddle sets are cool because it helps you to keep baby feeling safe and tucked in. (Remember, that’s what they experienced in the womb too). So a couple of swaddle blankets, some receiving blankets and a larger fleecy one is basically all I’ll get for my baby right now. I am also planning on using my The Gro Company baby sleeping bags, for safer sleep. (I literally aaacked when they sent me some! I’ll tell you all about it soon).3. Big ticket items
Stuff like your cot, your car seat and your sleep positioner (like this one) is super duper important. I also prefer having a bath seat (like this one), to help me to wash that little body without being a cluts. A good quality baby bag is also a must. Things like a play mat, a feeding chair and a Bumbo seat are great things, but I would probably only aim to get those things later on.
4. Breastfeeding gear
My Medela breast pumps, breast pads and nipple ointments are an absolute MUST! You guys, I switched to Medela, when Jo was born, and my life has never been the same again! (Indulge me as I over-dramatise this moment) Seriously though, Medela was so kind to send me their mini-electric pump and I am planning on getting a Harmony hand pump again, because it works so well for quick pumps. (The pic above was taken in a plane, you guys, I’m a gangsta-pumper).5. Nappies
Because, duh. Nappies and wet wipes are essential commodities, when you have a newborn. Stocking up on nappies and wipes are definitely a life goal, when you’re expecting a little one. You can totally use cloth nappies too (Simone wrote a very interesting article about it here). I must admit, the idea of cloth diapering, while being a working mom with a 2 year old and a 4 year old, totally overwhelms my spreadsheet brain. And yep, baby will be going to a day mother, so no help at home either. So I’ll probably kick it old school and stick to the Huggies I know and trust. Oh and the more wet wipes the merrier!
6. Bottles and pacifiers
I mean, if you plan to breastfeed, you may not want to invest in these just yet. In fact, besides for Jojo, none of my kids even took to pacifiers. But when it comes to bottles (because let’s face it, even if you exclusively breast feed, you may want to express milk and bottlefeed) I would definitely stick to the Tommee Tippee brand. The Closer To Nature range helped me to combo feed Kari and made the transition from boob to breast a bit easier for my girl. It’s a definite must-have for me. (Oh and duh, if you’re bottle feeding, you would want a top notch bottle cleaner, bottle rack and sterilizer).7. Toiletries
Top-to-toe wash and baby lotion is probably the only must-have on my toiletries list. I don’t use powders and oils on my little ones, just because I feel that their delicate skin doesn’t really need it. A solid bum cream is a must though – fans of Sudocream, hollar! (I never thought I would be a fan, of like, a bum cream, but here I am wanting to follow it on Instagram).So that’s my very doable list of baby goodies that I absolutely need to get, like, soon. My spreadsheet brain is also all about that forward thinking, so putting money onto a Baby City (or retailer of choice) gift card every month, during your pregnancy, is a great way to ensure that you have funds to buy those necessary items, once baby is here.
Disclaimer: This post was NOT sponsored by Baby City 🙂
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Dear unborn baby: you are SO loved, I promise!
Guys, I can speak on this from every level possible… as a teenager, who just did a pee stick test in her best friends bathroom; as a newly wed, who planned to only have kids after a few years of “settling down”; as a well seasoned mother of many, who thought that her womb’s work here on earth is done. I know what it feels like to be pregnant and wonder how on earth you got to this place.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, our baby number 3 is totally loved and wanted and this is something that our hearts needed. BUT there have been many times, during this pregnancy, where I found myself going: WHAT ON EARTH WAS I THINKING?!
Now, come on friends, I know that a few of you can relate. Maybe your pregnancy was totally planned, but like me, you find yourself bathing in sheer exhaustion, wishing you could have a break. Or maybe it was a surprise pregnancy and you don’t know how you’re going to manage a newborn on top of all the current drama and challenges in your life. Or perhaps you’re currently trying to perfect the magic balancing act of home/career/marriage/don’t-mess-up-your-kids-lives.
Whatever your story: I hear you, girl.
I’m not here to justify those feelings… but I am here to say that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. I consider this Land of Overwhelm to be a place I sometimes visit, but NOT a place that I will settle down in. I mean, I refuse to make it the mantra of my life. But I’m totally not putting pressure on myself to be a robot and masquerade all these feelings of “aaack” simply because I need to paint a pretty picture for the rest of the world.I take a breath and acknowledge that I’m in a very crazy season right now. And that’s okay. This pregnancy is different, when compared to the first two. And that’s okay. My body is in a permanent state of giving-me-the-stink-eye, so everything is a bit harder right now. And that’s okay.
I mean, real talk, resting my body has become an island holiday. There is no Journey Journal, no carefully thought out plans and, hey, I haven’t even purchased a single little outfit and I’m due like, next month. But I’m in total peace and I feel totally prepared to welcome this gorgeous bundle of Williams into my arms.
Yep, I’m overwhelmed sometimes… but is this child a beautiful blessing anyways? Yes! A thousand times yes! My baby is loved and adored and so wanted! It’s just different this time around, that’s all.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that, if this is you, if you’re overwhelmed sometimes because motherhood is just that rough, there is NOTHING wrong with you. I see you. I understand the complete overwhelm. And I know that it doesn’t mean that your children are unloved and unwanted. You aren’t living in a glass cage of emotion and regret. You’re just going through a crazy season, that’s all.
Rest in the promise that this is just that: a season. I read that there is a season for every single thing under the sun. And once this one passes, you’ll be able to reflect back on the beautiful memories and marvel at how hard you thought it would be. In retrospect, it will be a raindrop in the ocean of your life.
And then you’ll give yourself a pat on the back, because you’ll realise that you, my friend, are a lot more bad-ass than you know.
Images: Pics taken at the Penelope&Bella photo shoot many moons ago, when I was pregnant with Jonah.
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Pregnancy update: when you’re not a spring chicken anymore
So I’m officially 30 weeks preggers today and even though this is baby number 4 for me (kid number 5 for us), I’m still so amazed every time the little pooper moves around in my womb. I mean, there is another life inside of me. It’s such a miracle! The back pain probably originated from the pit of hell, but other than that, the rest of it is definitely heaven-orchestrated. Like, I’m convinced.
How am I feeling right now? Well, I was telling a friend that it’s so weird how this pregnancy is vastly different to my previous pregnancies. There are a lot of aches and pains this time around, you guys.
I think that a lot of the pain has to do with the pressure of my umbilical hernia and the overbearing amount of weight I feel in my belly. I mean, the diastasis recti has ensured that my tummy muscles are now divorced and no longer in a loving relationship with each other. Which means my core is pretty much a non-event. My back is killing me – walking has become tedious. And you would think that laying down would be better, but I have to find just the right angle or else I’m riddled with pain again.
But I mean *insert chirper voice here* other than that everything is just like, SOOOOO awsome right now!
Pause for effect.
That pause (and the bathroom selfie) was actually just a distraction so that I can blow my nose without anyone looking at me. Apparently pregnancy rhinitis is a real thing… did you know that? Pregnancy rhinitis is basically nasal congestion and an increase in mucus production, due to an increased blood flow. In a nutshell, I am a walking ball of snot. It’s especially attractive at night when Hubstopher wants to cuddle.But I mean, besides for that, the misconstrued emotional outbursts (hey Hubstopher), the extreme tiredness and the fact that I can’t breathe sometimes, everything is GREAT!
The crazy thing, my friends, is that I sometimes feel like I can’t say these things outloud because then it sounds as if I’m complaining and not fully appreciating the miracle baby in my belly. So many other women would give anything to be in my position. How DARE I complain?!
But the truth is that I’m not in my 20’s anymore, Deborah Patta. It’s not MY fault… it’s how life works. I mean, I’m not exactly a spring chicken anymore. The last time I was “in my 20s” was when Miley Cyrus was Hannah Montana. So obvz this pregnancy is going to feel a lot different on my body. And that’s okay.
But how does one enjoy a whole 2 more months of aches, pains, snotty noses and extreme fatigue without, you know, letting it become the backtrack of your life?
Well, I guess this is where perspective comes into play… recognizing the season for what it is and choosing to focus on the fact that my little pooper will make an appearance in a couple of weeks. And when that happens… when I get to look into my babys face for the first time … none of this will matter anymore.
Photo attributes: (Header) 2017 Love My Body photoshoot; (Body) Taken by Ella
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I’m not that cute anymore
I can’t remember the last time I felt attractive. I blame this on the state of my hair, the aging of my skin, the flabbiness of my body and the fact that I’ve been pregnant three times in four years.
I blame it on the umbilical hernia that makes me look as if an alien is trying to escape my body through my belly button. I blame it on hormones, on the stress of life, on the fact that I’m always busy but I don’t always want to be busy so then I stop doing things and then I hate myself for not doing things.
I blame it on the fact that I don’t have the time for skin care and hair care and tweezing my eyebrows until they match (your eyebrows should be cousins, not twin sisters, btw).
I blame it on my husband. Surely he should make me feel better somehow? (Just “somehow” okay? I don’t have specifics). I blame it on the world – on media, Insta-fashion and reality tv shows that advertise a life where everyone looks put together all the time.
I blame it on myself. Mostly on myself. I mean, even if you told me that I look nice today, the little voice in the back of my head would tell me that you’re just saying so to be polite. I feel ugly like, majority of the time. There, I said it.
The cool factor that I had going for me (when I was still, you know, cool) is gone. I’m old and boring now. The novelty of me – as the “cute wife” – has worn off. And I wonder if my Hubstopher regrets not choosing a younger version, when he decided to settle down.
I mean, I feel like I pretty much have the same form and functionality as the toaster or the TV’s remote control. Nothing to see here, move along. Unless you want a sandwich. I’m here for that.
Now, hear me out Oprah Winfrey. I get it… The fact that I’ve carried four whole children in my womb should flippen mean something. I’ve sacrificed my youth, my time and my body for something that yields a far greater reward than being able to fit into a size 26 jeans again. I should give myself a lot more credit than this. Seriously, Patricia, self pity is not a good look.And anyways, my appearance doesn’t determine my worth… my value…my beauty. That’s kinda superficial and a really shallow way to think. Surely. Right?
But if we’re going to be honest, friends, we’re all this girl sometime or other. We have seasons where we try to love on ourselves and fail to do so because you just can’t find anything to love. We’re kinda hard on ourselves and on our beautiful, masterpiece-of-a-creation, bodies, creating boxes that MUST be ticked, before we deem it okay to be, well, exactly who we were created to be.
Does it make sense? Nope. Does it ever end? Well, I don’t know. Is it okay? Well, kinda no. It’s never okay to not love on yourself and the body that God has given you.
I’m learning that being me – the REAL me – is the most beautiful thing that I could ever be… in all my stretch-marked, big-thighed, baggy-under-eyed glory. And I guess the real battle is getting to a place where I’m okay with being that girl, even on days when my jeans don’t fit.
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The big gender reveal
Well, I’m more than half way into cooking a whole baby in my belly and we have yet to reveal the gender to anyone. More so because we don’t know our little youngling’s gender either. And guess what you guys, we don’t plan to find out anytime soon.
Our big gender reveal will most likely only take place when baby Williams is actually here. Yep – we’re going ‘royal family’ and will only find out baby’s gender once he/she is born. As you can imagine, this was totally and completely Hubstopher’s idea (because I have a super intense spreadsheet brain and I need to know everything all the time). I had, in fact, planned many an elaborate gender reveal parties in my head (Imagine us skydiving out of an aeroplane and when our parachute opens up, it reveals either pink or blue! Genius, right?!) But alas, I will not be having my Youtube moment.
Current mood: Aaaaaack!
For the most part I’ve managed to keep my emotions in check and even though I try to read my ultra sound scans with a doctor’s eye (hey, I watch Grey’s Anatomy, I’m practically a doctor anyways), I’ve still not been able to decipher whether our little one has a winky or a wonky.
I mean, okay, you’ve got to give it to Hubstopher… not finding out the gender is pretty quirky and cool. But it DOES hold serious implications.
I mean, for starters, (and most importantly) do I buy pink or blue clothing? Fair enough, I have spotted really pretty baby wear in greys and tans and muted yellows and mint greens. But that’s not the point. Do I get pink or blue?! Huh?!
The other thing is that our sissie is convinced that it’s a sister. We’ve been trying to prepare our smallies for the impending birth of baby Williams, and we refer to it as “the baby” or as “baby brother or sister” but, you guys, she’s so convinced that it’s a sister that she’s actually convinced me too. (I do realize that it’s probably a boy, just because I think it’s a girl. Such is my life.)Not knowing the gender kinda deters us from deciding on a name. I mean, I’ve already decided on a name that is unisex (much to Hubstopher’s disdain). And when I say “decided” I mean, I’ve pretty much personalised items with the name on it. He says I’m rude for not waiting for his approval. I say “How many of our children have you birthed from your actual body? Exactly.” And back and forth we go. So we’re currently sans name.
I guess other cons to not knowing the gender is that it might be a bit harder to bond with baby… well, that’s what the internet says. I haven’t had that problem though (praise God) and to be honest, I’m actually a lot more excited about the birth than I thought I would be (natural birth yo, without any pain relief at all… it’s a trip!)
I guess finding out the gender at birth will be the cherry on the cake, after giving birth to three kids in a span of five years.
If you’ve held off finding out what your baby’s gender is, until birth, please drop me a message in the comments section below and let me know how it all went down!
By the way, current mood is still aaaack!
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Telling our kids we are pregnant
When you have as many as we do, you kinda brace yourself when breaking pregnancy news to the kids. Telling our kids we are pregnant was a pretty big deal in our home.
I mean, the older ones help out with the younger ones (thanks Kyle), so a new baby means more smallies to run after. It helps that Kyle is almost 18 and that Seth (who lives with his bio mom anyways) is 13. But you guys, Jo (2) and Kari (4) are a handful on their own. Kari thinks that Jo is a handful too (I know this because she says it). Jo… well, he’s just outchere being cute and cherub-like. But he’s two years old. So I wasn’t sure if #demkids would appreciate the addition of yet another little Williams. And I don’t blame them.
Another child means that time, money and other frivolities will have to be rationed between five whole children now and not just four. Again, I can’t stress enough how helpful it is (such a weird thing to be thankful for) that the older boys have whole other families in their lives. I mean, it eases the load, if you know what I mean. But we still need to consider things like one on one time (dating your kids is a real thing), the paying of school fees, making sure they are clothed and fed and other important stuff like that. Oh and the WiFi. Someone needs to pay for the WiFi.
The thought of one more can be extremely overwhelming. I totally have moments where I’m like “aaack, I’m having another baby, am I CRAZY?!” Of corse, those moments are few and far between the more predominant moments of “Oh my goodness, I’m having another baby, heart melt!”
I get it. It’s alot with to deal with mentally… well, for me atleast, and I’m their MOTHER. So let’s just say we were a bit wary when breaking the news to the kids.
We waited a very long time before we told them. Well, we waited a long time before we told anyone. Mainly because of health reasons (wanted to be sure that we’re in the safe zone first) but also because we wanted to keep the information to ourselves (you can read the reasons why over here).
When we finally told #demkids we were kinda stunned at their responses.For starters, Kari (who had been the “mommy please have another baby” champion in our home since December) was completely overwhelmed at the news. In fact, she had no words. Our girl. The outspoken one. She was silent. It took her a while to absorb the information, but once it hit home, she was a ball of energy planning out her journey, as a big sister, in detail.
Jonah… well, he was being his cute and cherub-like self. Also, he’s two. We didn’t really expect him to understand.
The older boys were a lot more optimistic than we had expected you guys! I mean, the immediate debate was that the child must either be named Kyle Seth Williams or Seth Kyle Williams. But I gladly encouraged it, because it meant that they were not running around, pulling their hair out at the news.
Both boys were kinda nonchalant about it though. They say that they have enough siblings to know what goes down when another is added to O Town (see what I did there) and they feel that they are ready for it.
All in all a good response, I think. I know. I’m still in shock. I mean, they handled it better than some of the adults we know. So that’s something right there.
Anyways, with that said, we’re still super excited (me, still super overwhelmed sometimes) and really looking forward to doing life with our crazy, big family! Big families are the best! And we be havin’ it! Somebody give me a high five, immediately.
(Watch a very short kids response video below.. recording stopped mid-way through the big reveal, don’t know how that happened. )
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And then there were five
Luchae and Christopher Williams are excited to announce that they will be adding one more little Williams to their brood. That’s right! We’re pregnant! (Well, I’m pregnant. If there was an option for us to take turns, I would definitely say that this should be Christopher’s round. But alas, I’m the oven and he is the chef. So….. oh kay… now that this awkward little monologue is over…)
To answer the series of questions that usually follows an announcement of this nature, when you have a bunch of kids already: Yes, we are serious! No, our baby is not a mistake. Yes, we are well aware that being pregnant usually results in the need to feed and clothe a whole other person. And no, we are not overwhelmed. Well, not anymore, atleast. #realtalk
Now, I had written out a whole other birth announcement post. This other post was way more chiller, and in it I explained the series of events that ultimately led to me taking a pee stick test. But, when I told a few people about our HAPPY news, we were met with a bunch of really negative responses that literally shattered my soul.
People said things to us like: “Oh my gosh don’t you guys use protection?” and “You’ve got to be kidding me!” and “Couldn’t you wait another year?!” and “Don’t you have enough children?” and “You know that self control is a fruit of the spirit” and my favorite, “What is wrong with you guys?!”
Those very real, very painful comments made me realize that I shan’t be sharing the detailed birth announcement post because I don’t owe anyone an explanation. And I most certainly don’t need to explain myself to someone who clearly has a different set of ideals and beliefs that I do. Especially the ones who don’t pay for my kids nappies. (So that’s, like, everyone.)
The truth is this, you guys, if Chris and I came into our marriage, sans any other kids, then there would be a lot more celebration and excitement for our baby number three. But, because we have a very real Seth and a very real Kyle (our stepkids), we are now suddenly grouped together with those mass breeding cult families who literally do nothing but procreate. (You get that we’ve only had two babies together, right? We don’t “pop them out all the time”.)And anyways… who cares?! Well, everyone does, apparently, because in this day and age, you’re only allowed to have a certain amount of children in order to be deemed socially acceptable. I mean, I can’t tell you who made up this rule because my grandparents had seven children and I don’t think they were stoned to death by the town folk.
We get it, five kids feels like A LOT but we’ve managed thus far, by the grace of God. He has sustained us through each uphill and every challenge and I’m 100% confident that He will do it again. He is faithful you guys.
Also, have you seen our other children? There’s another one of those beauties a-cookin’ in my belly as I type this! Eeeeek! So yes, we are happy and excited and feeling all those “aack, we’re having a baby!” feelings and it would be GREAT if you could celebrate with us! In fact we need you to celebrate with us. Will you, please?
Obviously more updates to follow but for now, just this one little public service announcement:
We’re having a baby! AAAAAAAAAAAACK!
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All stepparents are monsters, right?
Stepparenting is not for sissies. Yes, that’s my opening line. Whaaat? It’s the truth you guys. A recent conversation with a very emotional friend made me realize that the average stepparent has to deal with a lot more junk than they actually deserve.
Now, allow me to add a little disclaimer: it is possible to have a healthy blended family dynamic. So the thoughts in this post may not be for you (you go girl, keep up the great work!) but I’m sure it will speak to the hearts of those who are experiencing challenges on the stepparenting front.
We all know that parenting is super hard at times. And stepparenting is next level, yo! It’s not always easy and it doesn’t always have great rewards. But for those of you who are in that position, I’m sure you’re not just sticking it out for the half-hearted Happy Mother’s Day mumble. We do it because we actually care for the kid and we want to create a healthy and happy family environment. But based on the amount of messages I’ve received and the type of situations I’ve experienced, I’ve gathered that trying to be a good stepparent is not the easiest thing in the world.
Why?
Well, because ultimately you’re a bonus… an add on … you’re not really needed but you’re not going anywhere. You do the work, you put in the time, you make the commitment. Sometimes it appears to not be enough (because, you know, you could do better, get off your phone Cathy!) but then other times, you give off the impression that you’re doing too much (because, you’re not the kid’s real parent so can you just put your emotions aside, gosh!)
It’s a thankless job and you’re kinda dealt with a whole bunch of different blows that you literally just have to take, for the sake of keeping the peace. (No one wants to be the stepparent who throws a hissyfit every time they feel disrespected… it’s ugly Jane, we don’t roll like that.)
Your every decision and movement is often scrutinised (how dare you give the child chores to do, you monster!) and more often than not, you’re the bad guy before the movie even started, because that’s the way Holywood writes these scripts.
Besides for being the unspoken bad guy, you’re also the person whose opinion and feelings don’t really matter as much. I mean, duh, it can’t matter because you’re not the parent (add on/bonus, remember?)… you’re just there for show. So what you have to say and how you feel doesn’t really count.Stepparent’s get alot of flack. I can say this because I’ve given the flack, I’ve received the flack and I’ve helped to evenly distribute the flack, many times. Guilty as charged… there are no pretenses here. I’ve had conversations with friends about their kid’s stepparents (tssk tsssk, who does she think she is?!) and I’ve been part of conspiracies to not include stepparent’s at certain events because “he needs to learn”. It’s ugly.
Who made this universal rule that stepparents are not important? Who decided that the stepfather’s intention is not always good? Who told you that the stepmother can’t possibly love the child as much as she says she does? It’s a silly stereotype, honestly Jackie. Cut it out.
I mean, sure, the bonus parent happens to be there because of marriage and all that, and sure we don’t really need them, but guess what we do want them to love our children and treat them well. Oh the irony.
And then we laugh at them behind their backs, at gatherings, exchanging stories and rolling our eyes because, you know, they are only the stepparent and more importantly, we need the entertainment. (Brown people, where you at.)
I guess what I’m trying to do, with this post, is to stick up for bonus parents all around the world who are trying really hard but can’t seem to break out of that evil stepparent stereotype.
You guys don’t have to love the kid and you probably don’t have to put up with the back biting and snarky comments and, you know, being treated like a hobo at the beach trying to direct traffic for a few coins.
You’re there because you want to be there and you love the child because you want to. And even though others may not see your heart, I do. I get it. I see you. And I want you to know that you’re doing a great job.
Disclaimer: Thank you for your blog post suggestions. I love hearing from you guys. If you have any other topics that you’d like to me/us to chat about, hollar at your girl! To my friend who is experiencing this very real heartbreak right now: sending thoughts and prayers your way.
