Parenting
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My teen will not be watching 13 Reasons Why
So I jumped onto the ‘hip bandwagon’ and finally watched the hit Netflix mini-series, 13 Reasons Why. I had been told that it was a story about the suicide of a teenage girl and some people claimed that the show held legit life lessons that all teenagers could learn from. Sure thing, Suzy, but I need to get my eyes on this series first before I allow my kid to watch it. And you bet ya he’s been asking if he can! I must admit, the series left me feeling pretty disturbed, and for that reason my teen will NOT be watching 13 Reasons Why. -
Not worthy for Mother’s Day
I spent the latter part of my teenage years pretending to be a mother to my baby boy. The word ‘pretend’ may seem a bit harsh, but when you’re 19, being a mother is kinda the last thing on your list of things to do. I so clearly remember the day I gave birth. Seconds after the delivery, I laid there, in shock, thinking “I have a baby now”. I, Luchae, am someones mother! How did that happen?! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was always aware that being pregnant usually resulted in a baby. But my young, impressionable mind did not realize the enormity of what that meant, until I saw my son for the first time.
My very first experience, as the recipient of a Mother’s Day greeting, left me feeling awkward and unworthy. The friendly greeter was a much older family friend and (even though he had the best intentions in mind) I was horrified that he was making such a public statement about my previous failure. I was a teen mom! How could I celebrate such an amazing day?! Where is the celebration in all of this?! How could I be celebrating something that had brought shame to my family and anguish to my parents?
Years went by and I treated each Mother’s Day with the same disregard – it was something that OTHER mothers celebrated. And hey, I’ll help them do it! Out came the fancy card decorating and the pretty present wrapping. I would help my son give his aunties and grandmother’s cute Mother’s Day gifts. But for me? Nothing. No thanks. I don’t want it. Deep down I believed that my admission into this wonderful world of ‘motherhood’ was forced, unnatural and before its time. My role in the grander scheme of all things “mom” was to play the background – be as inconspicuous as possible – and NOT brag about it!
It was only later on – after I had learnt to embrace my position as my sons mother – that I recognised the importance of my role in his life. Sure, the situation had not been ideal and I lacked the wisdom and experience needed to take on this big job. But the love and support showed to me by family members and friends made up for that a gazillion times over. At the end of the day, I had to GET OVER myself and my own inadequacies. This kid needed a strong, resilient mother figure in his life. I was being totally selfish by not allowing him to celebrate me on Mother’s Day.
These days I am mom to more than just one and I LOVE being celebrated as their mother. I cherish what that means to them and to me.
It is for this very reason that I love and fully support the Embrace #MothersDayConnect initiative. To think that there are hundreds of young women, around the country, who like me joined our motherhood tribe feeling overwhelmed, ill-equipt and unworthy of celebration! I know how that feels.
It is with this in mind that I would like to encourage you to share Mother’s Day, this year. No, we don’t need you to make a grand gesture, or give a lecture, or collect money. We’re simply asking you to help us let as many new moms, around the country, know that: “I see you. I see your baby. Thank you for your sacrifice, Mama, and Happy Mother’s Day!” Mothers based in Port Elizabeth, Cape Town, Joburg and Durban will be offering up one hour of their Mother’s Day to simply sit with a new mom – one woman to another – and make her feel less alone. Your smile and kind words are more powerful than you think!
I am hoping to lead a group as we visit one of Port Elizabeth’s state hospitals (Dora Nginza) to spend a few minutes with some of the moms and new babies there. Are you keen to join me? I would like to put special packs together and maybe even offer the mommy a baked treat, as a Mother’s Day gesture. If you’re in, drop me a comment below or email me at admin@spreadsheetbrain.co.za to let me know. YOU can be a light to a mama in need, this Mother’s Day.
For more information join the movement on Facebook.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=uRlU_wGIcbM%2520frameborder%3D0%2520allowfullscreen
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Dissecting my role as a stepmom
According to some movies, the stereotypical stepmother is usually someone reminiscent of the ‘Wicked Witch of the West’. Well, I’ve been a stepmom to my stepson for about 3 years now – and in his life for about 8 – and I’d like to think that my witch tendencies are at a minimum. Mind you, it’s not always easy to be a supplementary mom to a kid who already has a very present, hands on mom. In fact, what is my role as a stepmom anyways? Besides for being married to the kids dad, I mean. And how do you avoid overstepping boundaries?
Look, its a no brainer, blended families are more predominant in this day and age, that’s for sure. And with it comes the challenge of making it work, while keeping all parties happy and the development of the child on the forefront. Some of things that I’ve found works for me (well, I hope it’s working!) is:
1. I don’t interfere
This is a hard task to see through, especially when you have a spreadsheet brain and a gazillion other children of your own. But I have found my greatest reward in having Hubstopher allow me and Kyle’s dad to “parent” our son together as much as we can. It is with this same respect that I allow Hubstopher and my stepson’s mom to parent their son together. I’m talking about giving them space to make those hard decisions and discuss the best way forward for the kid. Look, if you’re putting your ego into this, you’re probably not doing it right. As a stepmom I want the best for the kid. And sometimes that means I need to keep my mouth shut.2. I don’t expect anything in return
The thing about being a parent – whether it be step or bio, adopted or in-law – is that it’s a selfless job to take on. I’m not out here waiting for a round of applause after I’ve changed my daughter’s diapers or cooked my son a meal. Why should it be any different for my stepson? And if I want recognition, who best to get it from than the kid himself? I don’t need a pat on the back from family or friends or the parenting community of the world. Your pat on the back can’t buy me food or Steri Stumpies.
3. I don’t compare
If you’re comparing your stepchild to your bio child, and wondering why the one can’t be more like the other, I’ve got news for you: Each child is different, even if they came from the same womb. Kyle is stubbornly independent, whereas Seth can be a bit more clingy. But I attribute that to their personalities and characteristics. Each child is to be celebrated. Creating comparisons, even if just in your head, opens a door for negative thinking. Red alert, stepmom: avoid that stinking thinking bug! Pretty soon a thought turns into a feeling and a feeling into a deep rooted issue and before you know it, you’re the ‘Wicked Witch of the West’. Not a good look.4. I don’t try to be the “cool” parent
As a step parent you often wonder if the kid even likes you. And yes, you could go about doing things to please them and get on their good side. But guess what, I have rules in my home and those rules apply to ALL our children. I don’t need you to like me and I don’t need you to think that I am the coolest parent. Why? Because I want you to grow up to be a really amazing human being, that’s why. If any of our kids think I suck for not allowing them to stay up till 3am to play XBox, oh well. They’ll get over it. (Analyses based on a true story.) There are other people in my life who think I am exceptionally cool. I’ll be okay.5. I don’t assume the role of Mother
I’m not the kids mother. That’s that. I will always do my best to include him in everything but for me to expect him to treat me as if I am the first lady in his life is absolutely ludicrous. I do understand that there are situations where the bio mom is not present, and I totally get the beauty in having a stepmom take over that role. In my situation, this is not the case and that’s okay too! In fact, when Mother’s Day comes around I expect him to honor his OWN mom. Not getting chocolates or flowers or a handwritten card won’t devalue my role, as stepmom, in his life. I wouldn’t mind a nice cup of tea though. In fact, I want a cup of tea right now actually. Someone?With all of this said, allow me to reiterate that I am NOT perfect. I am a work in progress! Our family has its own set of challenges and bumpy roads to overcome. But hey, I’m sure every family does – no matter what ‘family’ looks like to you.
What are your thoughts on the topic, ladies? We’re all learning here. Are you a stepmother? Have you found ways to make your relationship with your stepchild work? Please share them with us!
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Mom guilt: Needing time away from your children
I’ve been dealing with some mom guilt over the past few weeks. You know, “mom guilt”… when we, as mothers, beat ourselves up for various reasons beyond our control. Things like not keeping your home clean enough to eat an egg from the kitchen floor, or not cooking enough healthy meals with 27 food groups in it, or not spending enough time finger painting and making skeletons out of popsicle sticks with your children. Things like that. My recent (very serious) case of mom guilt was brought on by the fact that I did not want my toddler to be around me every second, of every minute, of the day. Ever crave some time away from your children? Well, I was there. I needed a BREAK with a capital B-R-E-A-K! What type of mom thinks that about their kid?! -
It’s all in the name: quirky and popular baby names
In the deep recesses of my spreadsheet brain, I secretly want to have hundreds of children, just so that I can name them. I like naming things. And yes, I do realize that admitting this makes me seem slightly weird. Love me for me. Anyways, where am I going with this? Well, deciding on a name for our newbie was a no brainer because Hubstopher kinda named him way before he even proposed to me. But, when I found out I was pregnant, I still thought to look up other possible names (because spreadsheet brain and all). Some of the suggestions I received were slightly more ‘off beat’ than I would dare take on. But hey, don’t take my word for it, check out these… uhhh interesting… and popular baby names:
Colors
So I was assured that if you’re “with it”, naming your kid after a hue of the rainbow is probably the most hippest thing you could do. Names like Indigo, Crimson and Gray were quite trendy yesteryear. Let’s not forget Blue Ivy – the offspring of power couple, JayZ and Beyonce. Those are all really pretty, in my opinion. But once you start going, “Oh hey, meet my son, Orange,” or “this is my daughter, Khaki,” please know that I WILL be giving you a side eye.Fruit
Look, the lovely Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter, Apple, is a real cutie patootie. And I could totally fall inlove with the name Berry or even Peaches. But you’re pushing it when you decide to name your offspring something crazy like Pomegranate or Grape. “Banana, can you please let go of your brothers hair?!” Just doesn’t work, does it?
Character
So a big trend was to name your kiddo after a strength or character that you admired. Names like Loyal, Verity, Patience and Honesti were the most popular. Hmmm. I met someone named Integrity once. She wasn’t very reliable. *ba-dum-dish*Planets
Another trend was to name your baby after a planet or object of the solar system. Names like Moon, Mars and Jupiter grew in popularity. The name, Starr, is also very pretty. But you might be pushing it when you’re swaying more towards names like Meteor and Milky Way. (And yes, people have totally contemplated using these as first names)The older the better
So older names are making a comeback big time. People have been digging through the archives to pull out names like Mildred, Barnabas, Berta, Mabel and Ebenezer. It’s an acquired taste, in my opinion.Keeping it Bible
I’m sure you’ve noticed that going Old Testament is the new “in thing”, when deciding on a baby name. (Me, I’m guilty of this). The most popular were Caleb, James, Samuel and Isaac.Which off these quirky names are your fave?
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Help! My kid wants to date!
The other day, in mid-‘living my life’, my teen mentioned the word DATING to me. Gasp! My kid wants to date! The outcry! The audacity! The shock and horror!
I tried to not give him a look that said “boy, are you out of your mind?!” Because, I mean, the kid is growing up so it would make sense that he would show interest in this kind of thing.
But dating?!
So many questions came up. Like, would it affect his school work? And what does he expect to GET out of it? Is he ready for the commitment? And more importantly, am I ready for him to be ready for the commitment?!
I didn’t want to scare him away, while I got all up in my feelings, so I excused myself and took a moment to throw a silent, non-violent, facial-expressionless #momfit.
Taking a metaphorical woosah, before responding, gave me some clarity. And honestly, guys, up until the other day my boy had no interest in going to school dances or hanging out at a mall with friends because his XBox and younger brother were more than enough entertainment. We are very lucky that he’s content and not living past his years. But hey, he’s growing and changing and the last thing I want to do is make him feel as if he is doing something wrong, when he isn’t. So we had a heart to heart of sorts…and it wasn’t all that painful.
4 tips for tips for when your teen wants to start datingValidate their feelings
Teenagers are like mini-adults and the best thing you could do for your mini-adult is to validate their feelings. Let them know that you GET them. So that’s what I tried to do. I mean, hands up if you’ve done something forbidden behind your parents back. *raises all the hands* Yep, those were my hands. All of them. I’ve been there and I don’t want my children to feel as if they have to go down that route too. So we spoke about the girl/girls that he likes and how it’s okay to like someone and admire qualities about them.You don’t need to act on it
But with that said, we also explained that you don’t always have to do SOMETHING about it. Peer pressure and the “prescribed norm” ages our kids way faster than they are mentally ready. We explained that it’s okay to have friends that are girls and to hang out with them etc. But that doesn’t mean that you have to “cuddle” and *shudder* all these other things that his friends are doing. We spoke about sex. Yes, we didn’t use other words to sugar coat it. Sex is sex. I know his stance on it, but I also explained that both Chris and I had kiddies when we were still kiddies (remember, I told you guys that we had our sons before we even met) so it’s totally possible to go from “cuddling” to “more than cuddling” without even knowing that you’re headed there!Lay down the law
Once all the mushy stuff was said, I also had to lay down the law, because I’m the big person and he’s the little person (okay, okay, GROWING little person) and that’s how it works around our parts. We chatted a bit about what it means to be in a relationship and he agreed that maybe 16, 17, 18 (more like 30, 31, 32! aack) years old is a more mature age to commit to a whole other person. We spoke about what that would mean, how we would support him (chaperoning dates etc) and that he has all this time now to think about what it means to be in a relationshipGo easy on ’em but also, don’t
We laughed a lot and chatted about scenarios. We want our boys to grow up respecting women and treating the ones that they are close to with respect. Yep – I am not buying into that “my son’s a heart breaker” crap. Why? Because I have a daughter, and I will not allow my boy to treat a girl any differently to how we would expect a boy to treat our own daughter. Moms, you are raising someones future husband! You are raising someones future first love! I take that very seriously.Pray!
I figured that this last one right here is the most important, yo. I can’t always be with my kids but I know that God can. So I pray that they will make good decisions and I pray that they will be leaders in their sphere of influence and not followers who easily succumb to peer pressure. If you are a praying parent, it would also be a good idea to pray WITH your kids. It helps them to take responsibility for their feelings and actions.So yes, that was my horrific experience this week. And please, don’t be fooled, all of this looks REALLY good on paper – but truth be told I honestly don’t know how it’s going to turn out. But I do know that I want my kid to grow up to be a really superb adult and I figured that this is a pretty good start.
Moms, dads, what would you do in this situation? Do you have a plan in place for when your little one wants to start dating? Leave your wisdom in the comment section below.
Disclaimer: I received permission from my teen to share this post.
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The doctor said my baby could have down syndrome
A few weeks ago a phone call from my amazing OBYN turned my world upside down. She said that the blood tests, she had ordered, came back showing me as “high risk” for Down syndrome. My baby could have Down syndrome. My little Jonah boy had a 1 in 50 chance of being born with an intellectual impairment and/or physical abnormalities. She asked me to arrange an appointment to have diagnostic tests done so that we can know for sure. But I immediately knew that I was NOT interested in diagnostic tests. I did NOT want to “know for sure” if there was something wrong with my baby. There was just no room in my head for something like that. -
No shame in hand me downs
We are fortunate (it’s a weird thing to feel fortunate about) that we share our 2 older sons with their other parents. Together with these “other parents”, we are able to get school fees paid, clothes purchased and other basic necessities seen to, that we would generally have to pay for on our own. And yet, the boys still follow the “hand me down” tradition that my sister and I do (and I’m sure a bunch of you do too!) Albeit it doesn’t happen often (because they pretty much wear the same size clothing) but if Kyle’s shorts are too small, and they are in good condish, oh hey Seth here’s a cool shorts for you. And if my baby brother, Jason, has a hoody that doesn’t fit anymore, oh look Kyle, you score a hoody! And when Hubstopher’s favorite leather jacket made him look like Mr Bean, Jason scored a leather jacket! Doesn’t it work like that everywhere? I’m asking for a friend. This friend frequents these Pre-loved Clothing groups on Facebook, so she was a bit curious. -
Pregnancy: Things people don’t tell you about the first trimester
The thing about finding out that you are pregnant is that you think you’re going to hang around, living your life and having fun, before the preggy signs and symptoms kick in. Not true. Not true at all. There’s a bunch of stuff that people don’t tell you about the first trimester of pregnancy. I mean, before I knew that these symptoms were an actual thing, I thought that I was simply being dramatic. Do you feel that way, pregnant fairy? Well, I’m here to tell you that you are NOT dramatic at all. Call me the preggy myth buster if you must. These first trimester feelings that you’re having are all totally legit! -
The many emotions of a toddler
When it comes to raising a toddler, I refuse to accept the term ‘terrible twos’. I believe that when my toddler turns 2 years old next week, she will begin her season of ‘terrific twos’. Why speak “terribleness” over your child’s life, anyways? No sir, no thank you. I mean, parenting is challenging enough as it is!But with that said, I sometimes sit and stare at my kid as she goes from being ecstatically happy to mournfully sad in a matter of seconds. How is it, little girl, that you loved chicken so much 5 minutes ago, but now you simply cannot have it near you? Did I miss something? One minute she loves her dad and croons “Hallo dada!” beautifully as she plants a fat kiss on his lips. And the next, she yells “NO!” at the top of her voice, when he attempts to pick her up. Split seconds, I tell ya. Is it normal? Yes, yes it is.
