Heart matters
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Do you feel like you suck?
“Meh. My life sucks.” A mantra.
Yeah, what a weird way to start a blog post, right? But come on, we’ve all been there. We’ve all had to deal with thoughts of worthlessness or inadequacy sometime in our lives. Me, probably a heck of a lot more than I’d care to admit. But the truth is that I often compare myself – my life and my achievements – with that of someone else’s. And the weird thing is that (DUH) it can’t look the same because we all have our own unique experiences and paths. DUH. And yet we still do this thing and then call ourselves “sucky” when we feel that we fall short.
Can you relate, or nah?
Maybe you’re measuring yourself up against Super Duper Mom who seems to have it all. You know, the mother who regularly goes on beach resort holidays with her family, all while keeping her house spotless, kids disciplined, bills paid and nails perfectly manicured.
Or perhaps you’re trying your best to impress your manager at work but you always fall short of that promotion – your skills and abilities seemingly just not good enough to wow the big guns.
And let’s be honest, who here is convinced that she sucks at being a wife? I mean, I don’t always have the energy to iron my hubstopher’s shirts on demand and my sugar sweet “okay babe” is often tinged with growls of “no, do it yourself!” My well prepped, well balanced meal ideas often replaced with something that is quick and easy because: tired.
I recently went through a crazy season of dealing with feelings of inadequacy. And as I navigated my way through hormone changes and irrational thinking, I realised that we often put unnecessary pressure on ourselves. We set the bar high and then wait for other people to make us feel validated and as if we’re doing a good job.
But the truth is that being a woman – being a super woman (cause that’s what we are, yo) – takes a lot of self-motivation. Who says that someone else’s opinion of you and how you’re doing counts as more valuable than your own opinion of yourself?! Who made up that rule? I need to have a word with that guy… in his face… with a chair… (juuust kidding, say no to violence)
When I realised that I had been dealing with unnecessary thoughts of “not good enough” I literally had to give myself a pep talk. It usually takes a lot to make me feel as if I suck because I am generally, mostly optimistic. I am aware that my thoughts impact my decisions and emotions. And so, if I feel like I suck, it’s purely because I DECIDED to feel that way.Your thoughts of “not good enough” are just that – YOUR THOUGHTS… an opinion that you’ve given life to. It doesn’t make it the truth. It just makes it the truth that you chose to believe. (Spreadsheet brain psychology, at your service). We take on this slave mentality and wonder why we don’t feel as if we’re free. We tell ourselves that we’re not good enough, based on the actions and reactions of others, and then we wonder why we feel as if we’re not good enough.
I know… mind blown.
So today, I encourage you to be free – breathe, stretch, shake, let it go! You are not in control of everything… and that’s okay. You are more than enough, just as you are… and that’s a fact. And no, you don’t suck. I promise.
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So, what’s up with Easter?
Oh look it’s public holiday time again! (And the crowd goes wild) What’s this one about? National Siblings Day? Braai Day? Edgars Red Hanger Sale Day? Okay, I digress much… let’s start at the top: This weekend we celebrate Easter! As you know, many of us associate Easter with chocolates, rabbits, pickled fish, hot cross buns and, oh hey, maybe we’ll go to church. But what’s the big deal anyways and why do we get time off from work to celebrate days like “Good Friday” and “Easter Monday”?
Well, traditionally, Easter is the remembrance of the life and death of Jesus Christ. Some of us believe that this guy really DID walk the Earth a couple of years ago and really DID die a horrible death. I know that the very idea of Jesus seems a bit far fetched – and I get that. I mean, if there is a God, why would he send a man (who calls himself God’s “son”) to this crazy planet?
Well, I think that it was totally genius of God to come meet with us, on Earth, in human form. I mean, think about our brain capacities, as human beings – human form was the only way that we would be able to relate with him. I mean, if Jesus looked like an alien, how well would we have responded to him? Or if God came to meet with us as a giant unicorn or a ball of fire or a massive winged angel, would we have been able to relate with him? Clever move, God, clever move.
Anyways, so this Jesus was born, as a normal human being and grew up as a (guess what) normal human being, with brothers and sisters and parents. As he grew older people were instantly drawn to him. Philosophers and wise men spoke of this guy and his radical teachings. People could not understand his talks of a God who loved them unconditionally – back then they had to sacrifice their babies on altars of fire to get recognition from their “gods”. And here comes this man saying that all they need to do is open their hearts.I’ve heard of amazing ancient history books (not the Bible) documenting the life of this Jesus. Soldiers reported about Him, in their log books, saying that the stuff he and his followers were saying, caused an uprising among the people (who all worshiped rocks and metals back then).
They eventually found reason to arrest him (basically, the locals made the #Jesusmustfall hashtag trend) and the dude in charge couldn’t decide if he should be punished (because, basically, all he was doing was talking), so the public took it on themselves (think: mob justice) to do something about it.
They beat him up, whipped him, mocked him, spat on him and taunted him. This beating was so severe that at times victims would not survive it in order to go on to be crucified (another norm back then). Those who were flogged would often go into hypovolemic shock, a term that refers to low blood volume. In other words, the person would have lost so much blood he would go into shock. This explains why, after Jesus died and a Roman soldier thrust a spear through Jesus’ side (probably His right side, piercing both the lungs and the heart), blood and water came from His side just as John recorded in his Gospel. (John 19:34)
Anyways, he died. They put him in a tomb and had guards surround the tomb, because Jesus had spoken of his death and said that he would rise again in 3 days (I mean, he knew they were going to kill him. Hello, bells should be going off). They were like, this guy’s followers will probably try to steal his body, so let’s guard the tomb and make sure that they don’t get away with it! I mean, logical thinking, right?
Except that days later, he actually did rise from the dead. The guards ran away in terror. (Shame. You had one job.)
What does all of this even mean?Here’s what it means: God loved us all so much that He took on human form to come and mingle with us locals. He knew that if we were left to our own devices, there would be no way we would ever be able to have a relationship with Him, because He is pure and perfect and we are not. He needed to establish a way for us to be close to Him. Jesus became our scapegoat, so to say.
Jesus sacrifice on the cross meant that we are now able to trade our old for new, literally by accepting it, believing it and confessing it in our hearts and with our mouths. Like, that’s how you sign the contract. That’s it. No sacrificing of babies on alters and no slaughtering of goats required.
I also love that Jesus referred to God as his “Father”, thus giving us a way to relate with God… as our Father. Isn’t it beautiful that the God who actually made everything – like the whole Universe – wants us to know Him as a Father?
Anyways, this supernatural fact is what makes Easter such a supernatural period and a special time for me. God is alive and He is real. I love me some chocolate, but THIS right here is what love looks like. Beat that Easter bunny!
Originally posted on April 12th 2012. Updated on April 13th 2017.
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Dear friend who is no longer my friend
Dear ‘friend who is no longer my friend’. I know it’s been a while since we last spoke. Even though we’ve exchanged online glances… and real life ones, as we avoid each other in shopping malls, pretending not to see.
How are you? You popped into my head space a few times this past month (thanks a lot Facebook ‘On This Day’). I know that we’ve totally moved on from each other… let’s keep it real, we don’t even have the same interests anymore. But I was wondering if you still remember all those great moments we shared. Those were the best times.
Remember your cousins wedding? We danced so much and cried through all the speeches – the passion and zeal of our youth overtaking us and making every single moment the most important moment of our lives. I also remember when I caught my (then) boyfriend attempting to cheat on me (to me it was world changing… to him, it was just Tuesday). You told me that I was worth more and that if I don’t stop running after him, you’ll beat me up with a stick. I remember the time you got into a car crash with your mom’s car. I don’t regret staying by your side the entire time, as you gave your statement to the police.
What changed? Well, that’s a bit rhetorical – I know what changed. I changed. You changed. And that’s okay. I mean, who wants to be the same person for the rest of your life?! It’s a pretty mundane expectation. I can’t apologise for being a different girl to the one you knew… the one who had no direction in life and partied with you until the sun came up and sat on beach chairs, drinking vodka, until it went down again. That is not who I am anymore.And hey, my transformation had nothing to do with you. In fact, it had everything to do with me and the God of my life. He had a bigger plan and I decided to roll with that. Somehow, in the middle of the whirlwind, as I gave up my old life (and my old habits) for something else, our friendship fell away too. I don’t think it was intentional – for either of us.
I’m sorry if you feel that I neglected our relationship. And I’m sorry if my sudden changes made you feel as if I was saying that your way of doing things is inferior. I’m sorry if I acted as if all our special quirks and memories meant nothing. But I can’t apologise for being who I am today. I hope you understand.
Anyways, I don’t expect this to resurrect an outdated friendship that we’ve both outgrown. It just feels weird to not acknowledge you when we have a deep well of history together. I believe that certain relationships are planted in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I hope that my season in yours was fruitful and that you look back at all our crazy with fondness and not regret. Because I certainly do.
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When you’re dating a single mom…
I was a single mom for a good chunk of my adult life. If you recall, I gave birth to my boy when I was about 19 years old. His dad and I split up soon thereafter. Being a single mom has it’s highs and lows. But I found that one of the biggest challenges was dating. Yep, dating a single mom: it’s complicated!
For starters, there’s a whole other life to think about, which is sometimes hard for guys to understand. Single mom does not mean “single heart”. In fact, there should be an unspoken rule of the universe: Never break a single mom’s heart!
As a single mom, you have so much to consider – a deeper sense of responsibility and demand. There is simply no time to play relationship games or nurse a broken heart. You are everything to your child! And, as a functioning parent, planning what’s for supper, how to make a human skeleton out of toothpicks and making sure that there are clean shirts for school, seriously takes priority over ‘crying yourself to sleep because he broke up with you AGAIN’.
With that said, gentlemen, when you play mind games with a single mother you are messing with more than just one heart. If you’ve been fortunate enough to be around her kid/s, you kind of have a responsibility to not treat their mom like an old shoe. I’m not saying force yourself to make it work – but heyo, be a gentleman. Having manners is for free. Bow out respectfully and hey, better yet, if you’re not in it to win it, then don’t tap in at all. Do you know what sucks worse than a broken heart? Having to tell your kid why Uncle So-and-So didn’t greet him at the shopping mall today. Kids don’t get it. And they most certainly don’t deserve it.
And if she doesn’t allow just anyone around her kid, that’s okay too! You know the kid is there. They exist. They aren’t going anywhere. Don’t make senseless, selfish demands, as if she has all the time in the world to spend with you. You are not her everything. Maybe you can claim a top spot on her list of priorities one day when you put a ring on it . But until then, recognize that this amazing super woman has a lot more than you on her mind. Encourage her, support her and applaud her.
And anyways, breaking up is harder when you’re a single parent. You don’t have the freedom to take your mood out on those around you – because chances are “those around you” are your kids. You don’t get to lie in bed for days on end, refusing to function because the hurt is unbearable. And you don’t have the space to allow ‘drama’ into your world. Your child’s stability comes first. Your baby’s mental and emotional well being is more important.
What worked for me? Well, I met an amazing man who was interested in being my friend FIRST, which made room for us (my son and I) to befriend him as a family. This guy took the time to get to know us, as a unit and individually, and he genuinely cared. No strings attached! No promises! No demands! I ended up marrying him.
So maybe you’re a single mom and you don’t want to sound like a desperate, needy “I’m not dating unless it’s serious” kind of girl. But hey, guess what, treating your heart (and your children’s lives) with the highest respect, IS serious business. You are a package – a bonus deal, if you will. It’s a beautiful thing! Treat it as such and you will unconsciously give others permission to do that too.
Disclaimer: I’m not saying that single mom’s hearts deserve more looking after than that of other women’s. We should all be treated with dignity and respect. But this one is for the babymamas.
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Give your family a “heart attack”
I love that February has been dubbed “relationship month”. I mean, if you’re not into Valentines Day and all the drama that goes with it, you are redeemed from the chocolates and red roses assault and can STILL enjoy the “month of love” by celebrating ALL the relationships in your life. It is with this in mind that I fell in love (pardon the pun) with the Valentines Day “Heart Attack” idea. Yep, I want you to give your family a “heart attack”. There, I said it.
This past Sunday, our wonderful Kingdom Kids children’s church at my home church, Word of Faith, sent home ziplock baggies filled with colorful paper hearts and the following instruction: “Starting Feb 1st, until Valentines Day, put a new heart on your kids door with a reason why you love them!”
I thought this was a brilliant idea for many reasons:
1. I am trying to develop a culture of speaking positivity and life over my kids. A “pick up your socks, why are you so lazy?!” speaking habit is such an easy trap to fall into. Our words have the power to build!
2. It IS the month of celebrating relationships anyways and why should that be limited to romantic partnerships? My children are important too!
3. It’s always a good time to let your children know why and how much you love them!
4. Let’s be honest, I’m not a craft mom and I probably never will be (because: lazy). This task seems easy enough and the reward is worth it!
If you’re looking to spoil your husband, you could do something similar (I would probably not stick it on our bedroom door though – I mean, who knows what these hearts could potentially say! If you know what I mean. *cough*). My brain wave is to have a romantic suggestion written behind, for him to cash in. A heart voucher, of sorts. How clever am I?Okay, I’m not really clever. Well, I am… but not in this instance. So, a big thank you to our wonderful Kingdom Kids leaders, for taking this fantastic initiative! (BTW they attribute it back to website Skip To My Lou.)
What will you be doing for your loved one/family this February?
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Aack! We’re having a baby!
We’re having a baby! That’s right! Hubstopher and I will officially be parenting a collective of 4 children, as of next year June-ish. AAACK! How did that happen?! Well, I’m sure you all know how it ‘happened’. *awkward silence* -
Looking for a house to call home…
To say that we are ‘homeless’ is an outrage because we actually have a roof over our heads, while some have none. But we’ve been in “home limbo” for the few months now – and it sucks!We moved out of our old place a few months ago and due to reasons (out of our new landladys control) we’ve had to postpone moving into our new home. This is why owing your own property is important, kids!
Eventually, after a lot of back and forthing, we took it as a sign from the Lord that the new place was not the one for us. It was such an anti-climax, but it made sense. I mean, why all the delays? Anyways, we had a chat with the landlady (who is very nice btw). She was so understanding about it, apologizing for the delays etc. But I think we both realized that this wasn’t the one for us. It was back to the drawing board for team Williams.
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Fail: Judging a book by its cover
A while ago, I was reminded of the silly reasoning behind judging a book by it’s cover. I would love to brag and say that I am SUCH a good person and I never, ever judge anyone, ever! But come on, I’m not perfect. I’ve been as judgey as an Idols judge, plenty of times. I guess it’s something that kinda just happens TO you. I try to keep myself in check all the time, because appearance does not make a man. Well, that’s what I read here. And I’m sticking to it. But the damage that ‘judging a book’ can cause only really hit me when I became the topic of discussion. -
I quit my job
I quit my job. Or a more gentler phrase would go: “I resigned”.
After 10 and a half years of service, I made the
biggigantic decision to leave a desk that had become my comfort zone. Today is actually my last day at my old office. And boy does it feel weird. I guess the correct term is “bittersweet”. I thought I would feel more pumped up, but I’m pretty sad! It’s that feeling of: AACK, things are about to change! -
I am woman, hear me rant
Ever feel like your tired is tired?
Oh, hello there. Please don’t mind me. I’m just sitting here, feeling pretty putrid, after spending literally the whole night shriveled up in a ball of stomach cramps and restlessness, dreaming of a better day. Apparently, there’s a bug going around (I say apparently because that’s the general response I get when people hear that I’m not well “Ag shame man, there’s a bug going around”…) so it seems that the bug has latched itself on to me and my fragile tummy, resulting in me being on a water and anti-diarrhea meds diet for the past 2 days.
