This year has had a lot of ups and downs (so, it’s been pretty normal then) with the most significant happenings being the loss of my grandpa, my return back to work after beautiful maternity leave and my hubby’s return back to the “employed by someone else” sector. My year in summary: 

January: My lovely baby was about 8 weeks old when I decided to revive this here blog of mine. I broke my laptop a year prior and my kind-hearted husband was tired of me hijacking his Macbook for “recreational” purposes (Google, YouTube and watching The Voice) so he surprised me with an old amazing replacement laptop. I was over the moon and to prove it, I said so in my very first blog post after a year long hiatus. But a little voice at the back of my mind kept reminding me that the time with my baby girl was to be short lived. I was due to be back at work the next month.

February: Enter- My fervent declarations of how amazing this year would be! I remember starting 2015 off feeling invincible… like anything could happen! I boldly declared and status updated that this year will NOT end the way it started. I think it was probably the “new baby/maternity leave” euphoria that made me feel that way. My boy was into the second month of high school and we were really chuffed at what a top school it is. We attended a “Parents Club” gathering of sorts where the group of parents who help with the planning and facilitating of events meet up to mingle and make decisions etc. And then it was Valentines Day and we spent some time around other adults (and no children! yay!) 2015 was going to be the year of many firsts and lots of changes! I was ready! I made lists and checked them twice (Santa who) and I rededicated myself to being the best mommy and wife I could be.

March: My birthday month and I didn’t even want to celebrate my birthday. The hectic transition back to work, at the end of Feb, had me so one-up that I did not even blog for the whole month. I remember writing something, in Feb, about going back to work… and even then, I did not realize how much it would take out of me. Parent club meeting came and went and oh look, the William’s did not attend. In fact, we only ever attended that very 1st one. So there went those plans. We celebrated Seth’s birthday, and as always, his granny had a mini party in his honor. Other big things that happened in this month: My Hubstopher relinquished his status as self-employed and began working full time in the telecommunications industry. Life changed. Big time.

Drainage. The joys.

April: People, I know that I am overly emotional – but that’s because I cry for things like puppies in TV ads and soppy movies. When it comes to sensitive stuff, I can handle my own. But I was really not ready to give up my maternity leave…. even less so because I was still breastfeeding. The one thing that helped me through it all was my Journey Journal. And I also tried to spend as much time at home as possible. I mean, I wasn’t the same girl I was a few years ago! And my husband’s work hours was (is) straight up ridiculous. I am so appreciative of the sacrifice he is making for his family. My life had changed and so I had to readjust my commitments and priorities. So I think all of that came together in the month of April. Oh and my husband and I went on our first ministry trip, to Mosselbay, where we ministered at a wonderful church there, called Mosselbay World Outreach.

May: May came and we mourned the loss of the only grandparent that I had left – My mothers father. His death taught me a lot of life lessons and reminded me of the type of person I want to be and how I want to impact my family. I remember reprimanding myself when I felt overwhelmed by life and work and home and had the revelation that, as a woman, I set the atmosphere in my home. Other things that happened was that we finally found routine in our home. I love routine. It is the glue that holds my little world together. I remember missing my husbands arms because we were co-sleeping (that has since changed, Hallelujah!) Oh and we had our first Baba Indaba moms and tots social. It was nice to get out of the house to talk all things baby with other people who would actually get you! Oh and blog-wize, I started my Feature Friday feature… so like a real life, grown up blogger and stuff 🙂

My first attempt at nail art. Please don’t gawk.

June: It was cold. I dislike Winter. I’m sorry, God, love your work… but not the cold part. June was the month where I took stock of the people who were around me – were they adding or taking away from my life? I realized that I had begun to distance myself from those who complained and spoke negativity over other people and situations. Aint nobody got time for that. I also found myself at home a lot more, and I was okay with that. Oh and I made a lemon meringue tart and discovered Polished Pretties SA. My first attempt at nail art is pretty embarrassing (And also, photos taken with my blackberry.) Move along. Nothing to see here.

July: Tis was the season for parties… baby showers, wedding showers, work get togethers. The baby blues still had a grip on me, and I wrote about it here. I had hoped that by now there would be some direction in my life… I mean, this was the year of great change! But things were pretty much rambling along… oh the complexity’s of a simple existence.

August: Nail art. Lots and lots of nail art. Hubstopher and I featured in JStar Mag and I blogged about how I need to take a chill pill. Oh and we entered the Living &Loving/Comfort Baby of the Year – my curly made it to the top 10 in votes!

September: It was Rugby World Cup time and our church’s annual Women’s Conference. I remember being super busy. Hubstopher and I tried to get some alone time in, which is near impossible! Kyle and I were going through a particularly difficult season, with him being a teenager and me being a control freak and all. I had to take a few minutes to reflect back on the time that he was born and all the promises God has for his life. Also, I blogged about my hair (who does that?!) oh and I thought I was pregnant. So yeah, I’ll just leave that right here.

Kyle and I, in 2001

October: Ah my baby girls birth month and a time to reflect back on the awesome journey I’ve been on, as her mommy. Blogging about it really helped me to put things into perspective. Remembering the preggy test and having to tell our families, and all the stuff I enjoyed while being pregnant, right up to the hour of her birth. It was a life changing experience and we enjoyed celebrating her birthday!

November: We geared up for the silly season and had a whole arrangement of Christmas carols to get through with the church choir, for our Christmas production. Loved every minute of it! It was a big deal that I decided to share my girl’s condition with everyone, but I remember feeling release after I did. November is the month that the Paris shootings occured and the other heartless massacres that happened around the world. Oh and remember, I still told you guys about that time when someone tried to steal my identity. The bugger. Kyle turned 14, on the 29th, and suddenly I wasn’t thaaat young anymore! He has grown into a dashing young man and I am very proud of him.

December: It’s the most wonderful time of the year! As the self-dubbed “Christmas Girl” I made sure that our tree was up wayyyy before December. We had a really fun time at Seth’s schools Carols evening, where he sang his heart out in the school choir. We were so proud of him. I love Christmas Carols! Kyle left PE to spend his holidays with his dad (sob sob) and my nanny decided not to come to work anymore. So that was fun. Hubstopher and I celebrated 2 years of marriage (wow, so long, I know! it’s crazy) and most recently, our baby girl took her very first steps!

2016: Just get here already! I must admit, I started feeling a bit disappointed because my expectation for 2015 was that it would not END the way it STARTED. I expected big change and even bigger growth. But looking back at this summary, I can now see that the change and growth happened on the inside and not in the physical. I’ve changed. I’m looking forward to seeing what God has in store for the new year!

Word for the day by Marsha Burns. Nail on the head.

A year ago today my mom came over to visit our new born babe when she received a devastating message from a close friend, “please pray for Bianca, she might not make it.”

For those who don’t know, Bianca-Anne Harper Agherdien, was a former Miss Port Elizabeth and the darling of the city. She was crowned Miss PE in 2010, and wore the title with pride, serving the people of Port Elizabeth during and well after her reign. Well known for her big heart and being involved with community projects, she was one of those kinds of people who lived the same life “behind the scenes” as she did in front of the camera and I’ve always admired her, her natural beauty and the brave way she stood for what she believed in.

Bianca-Anne was involved in a tragic head on collision on 11 November 2014 and passed away on the 13 November 2014 at the age of 28. My daughter was 13 days old.

Now, to set things straight: unlike the rest of PE (it seems), I never had the privilege of spending time with this amazing young women or her husband, Anver, or any of her family members, for that matter. But it was clear to see that she was respected and admired. People were drawn to her and wanted to be around her. Her language was always filled with positivity and she had a naturally kind heart, with pure intentions.

Her friends have shared that she was adventurous, to a degree, but that she also loved to be in the comfort of familiarity – her home, her friends and her family. Her pics showed me that she knew how to look good. She took care of her appearance. But other pics gave away that she also did not mind getting messy, if it meant that she could help someone in need; or bedecked with paint, for a moment of fun. I knew that she was educated and saw education in a serious light. I knew that she loved the Lord. I knew that she was loved and that she loved to love others.

Wow, that’s a lot of stuff to know about someone you don’t really know. Her death was a huge tragedy in our local community and so many were impacted by it, because of her beautiful nature and also because of all that she represented. Bianca-Anne represented hope, and that hope was passed on to us, as we prayed for her recovery. So it was a huge shock to us when we heard of her passing. My mom, sister and I sat in silence and disbelief, almost whispering as we tried to make sense of it all, hearts breaking for the loved ones of this remarkable young lady whom we’ve never met before.

I remember looking at my precious baby girl, suddenly feeling amazed at the circle of life. A baby girl is born, a young woman is taken away. No one is immune to death, no matter how incredible or loved they are. Life is a gift and tomorrow is not promised. What are we leaving behind? Her passing was a reminder that there is a bigger plan and purpose for each life.

I couldn’t help but feel that the death of this beloved beauty queen and my little girls new life to be connected somehow, in my heart. It was like someone dumped a bucket of ice water over my head. It was a wake up call – a reminder to live a life that would inspire and motivate my own daughter. As Bishop T.D Jakes so eloquently said: “It’s not what you leave to your children, it’s what you leave IN your children. Start thinking generationally, prepare the way for them. 

Because of Bianca-Anne Harper Agherdien, I suddenly wanted my daughters life to mean something – not that I didn’t before – but there was now an urgency; an almost desperation to make sure that my girl lives her life with purpose.   I want her life to add value and leave behind legacy. I want my curly to be the kind of woman that others would look up to and learn from. I want my daughter to feel loved to the point of overflow, where she is able to effortlessly love those around her… even those who some deem as unlovable and unwanted. I want her to know her worth. I want her to take risks. I want her to fight for what she believes in. I want her to be a blessing to others.

And so, as I looked through Facebook today, I am reminded, yet again, of the beautiful life that Bianca-Anne lived and the many things that I am trusting God for my own daughter, because of her death.

God is always intentional. And although He has given this hopeless human race the huge responsibility of CHOICE, He is always standing by, waiting to turn our bad situations into good… if we let Him.  I know that many see Bianca-Anne’s death as a huge tragedy – and it is! It is such a huge loss to society, her friends and family members – But God, in all His cleverness and compassion, has turned it around for good by using her life as a testimony to others. He is faithful.

Photo: Huffington Post

I’ve been struggling with a re-occuring pain in my chest for the past few months now.
Its in a weird place – right beneath my breast on the right hand side. It seems to be a deep pain. If that makes sense?
My GP told me that it might be a strained muscle. I immediately thought, duh, only I could sprain a muscle in my chest.
I mean, in my CHEST… a muscle. Sprained. Only me.

Anyways, the pain comes and goes, which is weird if it’s a sprained muscle (Ya, I am pretending to know medical things). So I decided to go for a second opinion and this time ended up with a female doctor. She is lovely… very upbeat and fresh. I like her.
She diagnosed me with inflammation in my diaphragm… which explains a lot! She gave me a lekker fat injection and prescribed some crazy meds (trepiline – the anti depressant – being one of them). I am meant to go back next week to see if I need to go for a scan.
As I left her office I said “Thank you! I feel much better already!”
She replied: “Well… that’s what I’m here for.”
Isn’t it wonderful that God gives certain people the ability and passion to help Him help others?

It seems that I’ve been faced with a lot of “doctor talk” the past few weeks.
I’ve been on a faith walk lately, with a few family members and friends, who are dealing with various health problems. One of them is really close to home – my 17 year old baby brother. And I’ve had to repeat the same scriptures over and over as a reminder of God’s promises.
Scriptures that remind them that He is more than enough… everything we need and then some.
He says that He never fails. He wins all the time. And if we trust in Him then we win too.
True words but also a nice and fluffy blanket to offer to others. But what about when we have to believe that for our own lives?
Even though it’s not a serious, life threatening illness, I found it particularly amusing that I am now the one in the doctor surgery, getting news that doesn’t even make sense to me. I am now the one that has to trust God for healing. And I am now the one who has to pray for wisdom for my doctor – that she makes wise, knowing, decisions that would aide me and not harm me.

I sometimes pray so fervently for those who are dear to me, to be healed and their bodies restored, that I just cant believe that anything other than that will happen. But we have to make room for God to do his thing. We want to wake up to an instant miracle. But sometimes He wants to take His time with us – allow us to cling to Him – and build us up in the process, as we trust in Him.
It’s easy to say “God is good!” when something wonderful happens.
But to say “God is good!” when life does not make sense, is a true test of faith.
So that’s where I’m at right now.

Trusting.
Hoping.
Praying.

xxxL