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Confessions of a super woman
I sometimes cringe when people ask me how many children we have. I mean, you never know what their response will be once they find out that we parent and co-parent a collective of four kids.
I mean, when it comes to responses, we’ve heard it all. From the “don’t you guys own a TV” (do you know that co-parent means we didn’t physically birth four kids together?) to “yoh, you guys are crazy!” (Thanks)
Most of them shake their heads in disbelief (because it’s like, sooo shocking, and stuff) and say “wow, that’s a lot!” I guess they’re referring to the fact that they don’t know where we get the time, energy and money from to rear four children.
“How do you do it?!” They’d ask, with big eyes. And my response would probably always be a shoulder shrug followed by “I don’t know either” or “must be the Lord!”
Now, I know that most people mean well and probably can’t help for their reaction. This post is not about that.
This post is about their replies when I say I don’t know how I do it. They would then usually tell me that we make it look easy and we’re so blessed and that I’m such a super woman and we are great parents and all of that.
And it’s ’round about this time that my eyes glaze over and I begin to hear montage music, as replays of my life flash before me.
Sorry, I’m not trying to insinuate that their kind words are insincere. It’s just that most days, I don’t feel like a super woman and I find it hilarious when people say that we make it look easy. I mean, hilarious in a non-funny way. Because it’s not. It’s NOT EASY.
It’s not easy being the parent of two small kids under the age of 5, while co-parenting two other kids who are nearing adulthood at an alarming pace. It can be heavy, emotionally (especially the co-parenting gig) and yep, co-parenting means we don’t have the full responsibility of raising the kid, but it doesn’t make it any easier yo.
It’s not easy when you have to make sure you’re distributing love evenly and consistently, to all kids, even though one of them does not live with us and two of them don’t even refer to us as “mom” and “dad”.
It’s not easy when you literally don’t have time for each other. Like, I’m not just saying so because it’s a cool thing to say on a blog. The last time I even sat next to my husband was probably at the doctor’s surgery a few weeks ago. No jokes.And guys, try raising a 2 year old and a 4 year old without the help of screen time and copious amounts of mini cheddars, while having a successful career of sorts and a clean house. Not easy! (Yes, I’m raising processed food eating hermits. Somebody call Oprah.)
It takes a lot of balance and planning and pre-planning, when it comes to working out school fees and food and clothes and extra-mural activities and how to get everyone from point A to point B and to still find time for yourself in the middle of it all.
But more than that, it can be challenging to not lose yourself, in the mix. I often have to remind myself of the point of it all… that this story is bigger than me and my ego and how I feel.
So when people refer to me as a super woman, I can’t help but want to point out all the ways that I feel like I’m failing as a mother and wife, daily. The term “super woman” feels like a fraudulent statement… as if they’re only seeing the shiny side of the coin. And I wonder if my positive outlook on life falsely advertises a challenging lifestyle by, you know, passing it off as easy, doable and without trial.
Can you successfully rear a big family, in this day and age? Sure you can! Are you able to raise well-balanced kids even though half of them did not originate from both you and your husband’s loins? Yep, that’s a definite!
But I don’t want to be the one, out here, selling false hopes and pipe dreams. It’s not easy and I’m not a super woman. We are not super, duper people who can do no wrong on the parenting front. In fact, we’re just ordinary people (I know, John Legend should pay me royalties for pimping his song this much). And we would be a hot mess without our faith and our constant drive to live our lives on purpose, with purpose.
So there you have it. How do we do it? Well, the truth is that we’re not the ones “doing it”… and that’s why it works. Like, honestly you guys, if I didn’t have Jesus as my firm foundation, I would probably be in a mental asylum right now (or still partying my life away, in a mini skirt and hooker heels).
Through all of the dips and peaks of parenting our brood, I’ve found myself clinging to God, because honestly, He is my only constant. People fail you and hurt you and make living life even harder than it should be. Things fall apart, you guys. Tomorrow is not promised. Success (or our perceived version of it) is fleeting. But God’s promises for us are timeless, never changing and faithful. It’s the only surety we have. Clinging to the rock that is higher than I is the only way I know to survive.
And that’s how I do it.
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10 ways to be lekker in life
Since it’s about a month away from my birthday, and I am, you know, turning a whole year older and all of that, I find myself contemplating life and growth and how to be a better person without having to stop binge watching The Voice UK. And a few things came to mind … you know, things that some would call common sense. I call the list “10 ways to be lekker”… because being a crappy person is so out of season and no one wants to walk around feeling like you’re invincible when everyone else is wondering why you look like you need a hug and a Coke. Here’s a list of things I remind myself everyday:
1. Don’t be that person who tries to debate with someone on a Facebook post or in a Whatsapp chat. Like, seriously, the other person is not sitting there with bated breathe, hoping you’re going to say something that will change their minds. They can’t hear your tone or context. They cannot see your facial expression. In some cases they probably don’t even read your extra long essays. (I know I don’t.) So the debate usually ends up being a waste of time and brain power. Arguing with someone on Facebook is such a time suck because people are usually in it for the long haul! They are rife for the debate and they WILL NOT STOP until you do. Be lekker, don’t be a troll.
2. If people have ish going on, and you know about it, you don’t have to do anything because guess what, Winona Rider, their information is not yours to steal and share without their permission! I’m sure we’re all pretty over the village gossip who finds joy in sharing about other people’s challenges and pains. And yes, telling your mother/sister/family member under the guise of “ag shame” still makes it gossip. Be lekker man, Winona, don’t be a gossip.
3. How about let’s not take our issues to social media, and make subliminal status updates about it. Well, this is something I remind myself often. Stay classy. Don’t air your arguments where the world can see them. It’s the year of the mature adult conversation. You know, saying things like “I feel this way when you do that” face to face, instead of posting something putrid about someone, without really naming them. Be lekker, don’t be a subliminal update poster.
4. And while we’re on the topic, you don’t have to like everything that everyone says. I often remind myself that everyone has their own opinions and different ways of doing things and hey, Martha Stewart, guess what, THAT’S OKAY. If we all had to be a carbon copy of you, this world would be very bland. No offense. Be lekker, don’t be a robot.
5. Stop re-sharing fake news in your Whatsapp groups and on social media. It’s not kwaai man! I mean, you’re spreading mass hysteria, and you can’t even prove that it’s right. Can we leave that type of news sharing to, you know, the actual newspaper? Be lekker, don’t be dramatic.
6. Don’t assume that everything is always about you. Man, the way I’m tired of people reading something and thinking that it’s shade thrown at them. And I’m not immune, yo! I do this too! Its so not lekker. Like, what if your friend Maggie simply felt like posting a mullet hairstyle meme. What if Maggie did not even think about you and your mullet, while posting the meme. What if, and let this one sink in, the world did not revolve around you?! Be lekker, don’t be a narcissist.7. Stop being the friend/family member who encourages someone else to player hate. If your friend is out of line or being unreasonable, say the thing! I mean, we’ve all been there – we know exactly how hurt and anger can turn a mole hill into a mountain. True friendship does not mean agreeing with everything your friend believes. I want my friends to lovingly correct me if I’m wrong. Why would you willingly want your friend to make wrong decisions?! Be lekker, don’t be a bad friend.
8. If you see someone else doing really well in their field of interest, tell them they are doing a good job man. I mean, congratulate them instead of talking them down to your family and your friends at the office and your neighbours uncle. I get it, maybe selling bicycles online is not your thing. That’s okay. But if Patricia is doing well with her online bicycle sales, then more power to her and her success! You don’t understand online bicycle sales, that’s why you’re selling carpets. Be lekker, don’t be a hater.
9. Perception is a BIG word (and I’m not just saying so because I struggled to spell it for a minute). I mean, your perception of someone else can totally influence how you respond to them. Sometimes you need to take a minute to remember that (que John Legend) “we’re just ordinary people!” We’re all on a journey and we respond to things differently. I cannot control the next person. I am only in control of myself and my responses. So just be lekker, don’t be unreasonable.
10. And lastly (this one is for free), if you ever find yourself offended for some absurd reason, justifying your silly offense with silly reasoning, instead of name calling and insulting someone else, rather take a selah moment. Say a prayer. Stay classy. Look yourself in the mirror and say: Hey, be lekker man, don’t be offended for stupid things. Life is too short and there are way better things to be concerned about!
So these are the sweet, sweeet reminders when I feel like I need to remember the point of it all (especially now, in my old age, right?) At the end of the day, being lekker is the opposite of being miserable, difficult to get along with, and bitter. And we all know which one we’d rather be.
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The house with many rooms
When I was in my early 20’s, my granny (my mom’s mom), had a “death bed” dream about me. She was sick, in hospital, and during one of our more quiet, melancholy visits, she whispered to me that she needed to tell me about a dream she had the night before. I know it sounds dramatic, but the dream was actually really beautiful and at the time, I was just so honored that out of all the many grandchildren, she would have a dream about little old me, during such a pivotal time in her life.
In this dream, she saw me living in a house with many rooms. And each room was filled with beds – lined up in a row “like a hospital or hotel” she said. She urged me to take note of this dream and the knowing in her eyes spoke words that she could not express. She passed away a few days thereafter.
At the time, I wasn’t very aware about how prophetic and telling detailed dreams could be. I didn’t know the story of Joseph (in the Bible) and other people like him, who received messages from God through dreams. And even now, I can’t prove to you that God spoke to my granny, on her death bed, showing her things that He was trying to tell me.
But, strangely, I keep having similar dreams. Even on days when my granny’s dream is the furthest thing from my mind.
Dreams of my house with many rooms. Dreams of me visiting a house with many rooms. And, more than that, dreams of all the beds… one in every nook and cranny… of each room. What really brought it to my attention was when other people started having similar dreams about me.
Now some would think that this means that I might own a hotel or Bed and Breakfast one day. You know, something along those lines. Something that makes sense. But, in my latter years (love how I’m calling my late thirties my latter years… the drama, yo) I’ve now come to think of it as something else.
For starters, ever since we’ve been married (it’s been five years, you guys, so long, so hard, so burdensome. Jokes.) we’ve probably had a border living with us, for every one of those five years. Mind you, I think the longest stay has been about six months and we never really demanded them to pay part of the rental or anything like that (although, duh, they would offer to pay for certain amenities, because life, and we expect you to help out around the house atleast). Anyways, now that I come to think about it, each year, we’ve shared our space (and offered up a bed) to someone who needed it.
This was not planned at all. In fact, every single house guest “moved in” on a short term basis and ended up staying for a few months. And I’m not saying that I’m, you know, the Martha Stewart of hosts, with freshly pressed towels, home cooked breakfasts and mints on their pillows. I’m actually quite the opposite. We have schedules and commitments and children (many children), so looking after a whole other adult is not up there on my list of things to do.And more than that, I’m not one to share my space. I’m an introverted extrovert (hey, I’m making that a thing, okay!) and as much as I enjoy people, I also enjoy being able to retract into my personal space, like a hobbit, shutting myself off from the world.
Having someone else in your space makes this kinda hard.
But thinking about all of this (literally, I was just thinking about this) it makes me wonder: Could this be the “house with many rooms” that my granny, and countless others, saw in their dreams? Could it be that the “house with many rooms” refers to our heart space, more than a physical space?
It just reminded me about comfort zones. I love my comfort zones… my “single life” privacy, peace and quiet definitely was a comfort zone. But, was I really thriving? Are you really living your best life, when you play it safe? And am I really doing well, when all I want to do, is to surround myself with the “easy”?
Each time we said yes to a house guest I was way out of my comfort zone. I mean, the idea of helping someone thrilled me. The idea of sharing space annoyed me eventually but deep down I knew that it was something that I had to say yes to.
I often wonder if that was God, nudging me in the right direction. He uses these “out of my comfort zone” things to equip us, build us and train us up for our next big adventure. Maybe God wanted me to learn how to have an open heart, without being concerned about how much of myself I’m giving. Maybe he wanted me to let people in – especially when I don’t want to. Maybe he wanted me to expand the corners of my heart, so that it could fit more people in.
In a funny turn of events, I now live in a crazy house, full of kids. And we would eventually like to add more children to our growing brood. Out of my comfort zone? Heck yes! I often crave the peace and silence that living alone brings. I probably won’t get that back for a very long time. But I’m okay with that now. I love my children and I can’t imagine living in peace and silence, if it would mean being without them.
Maybe this is my “house with many rooms”. And maybe God has been stretching me, in preparation for it, all along.
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Inspiring Christmas gift ideas for teens
Buying gifts for my teen is a bit like extracting teeth. Yep, it’s painful, for the most part. And that’s only because I never know if the kid is actually going to like the gift. But more than that, I hate getting him gifts that are meaningless and just for show. I know, I come across as all hip and stuff (humor me, please), but in reality, my brain is like a spreadsheet (hence the name of this here blog) so I gauge everything according to how useful it’s going to be in the long run. Anyways, long story short (because let’s face it, I was babbling) I found a bunch of seriously cool gift ideas on the Cum Books online store the other day.
My kid is transitioning from young person to young adult (aaaack!) and I need to prepare the kid for the big world. My prayer for him is that he will remain the stable, level-headed guy that he’s somehow growing into and I thought to gift him with things that can encourage this. Here they are:
Man, if I had a teenage daughter, I would totally be getting her this gorgeous Inspire Bible for Girls. If you’ve been following my story for a while, you’ll remember that I have my own Inspire Bible. I love that these Bibles are decided to unlock your creativity, as you spend time getting into the Word of God. I mean, if you struggle to concentrate during your quiet times, this is the best thing! The new Inspire Bible for Girls is aimed at girls aged 8 – 12 years and is jam packed with things like: devotions, written by the amazing Carolyn Larsen, over 800 pages with space for creativity and amazing graphics for colour-in sessions, journaling prompts and Bible facts. Totally worth it at R399.95There are a bunch of really rad, creative Bibles for teen guys too! Check out the Cum Books online store for more.
If your kid loves arts and crafts, she’ll fall inlove with this Bible Journaling Kit. I mean, how cute is this? I want one for myself! The kit comes complete with Bible journaling supplies that is sure to inspire creativity, as she grows in the Word. I’m talking about the good stuff, like washi tape rolls, a black ink block and stamps, column inserts, sticker pages, glitter gel pens metallic gel pens and even a journaling template. Grab it for R549.95
This year, I am getting our boys some Christian resources as part of their Christmas gifts, because the kids need to learn about Jesus, yo! Fortunately, the wide selection of “teen gifts”, at Cum Books, makes it easy to find products that they will actually enjoy.
The 365 Daily Devotions By Teens for Teens immediately sparked my interest. These are written expressly for teen boys or teen girls, by actual teenagers who understand your kids lingo. The unique devotional is filled with personal experiences that are relatable and heart-felt. Through the stories of others, teens see how God works in our lives when we open ourselves to Him. The devotion includes hundreds of teen authors and teens love reading what their peers have written. Price: R189.95
Dave Strehler’s Amazing Stories for Young Believers is another one that immediately caught my interest. How cool is this devotional, you guys?! It contains 366 devotions for kids aged 8 – 12, and tells stories about Bible characters and the great things they did for God. Each day’s devotion gives a practical application based on a specific passage from Scripture, as well as another Scripture verse that reinforces the lesson for that day. A topical index at the back of the book arranges devotions according to themes. Dave is a children’s ministry stalwart, who has devoted more than twenty five years to equipping children and young people, by helping them to understand the Bible and enjoy reading it. Price: R189.95
I think the one I am most excited about is The Action Bible. I love everything about this illustrated version of the Bible! Firstly, it has more than 200 fast-paced narratives in chronological order, making it easy to follow the Bible’s historical flow and reinforcing the build-up to its thrilling climax! Secondly, the stories are illustrated in such a contemporary way that your teen will not be able to resist turning the page to learn more. This compelling blend of clear writing plus dramatic images offers an appeal that crosses all age boundaries. It’s a bargain at R399.95You can also pick up The Action Bible Guess It Game – a guessing game, derived from The Action Bible. I’ve added this one to our family game night and you guys, it’s so much fun! The 99 cards each has 20 questions about people, places or things, from the Bible. You have to correctly guess the identity of the person/place/thing, with as few clues as possible. Great for traveling or family game night, these action-packed cards will help expand youngster’s Bible knowledge in a fun and interactive way. Price: R129.95
WIN a Christmas hamper compliments of CUM Books!CUM Books is one of the largest stockists of Christian and inspirational books, Bibles, music, resources, movies and gifts, in South Africa! CUM Books focus is on spreading the Good News to the homes and hearts of people across South Africa. I’m also especially pleased that we can now shop online – the Cum Books online store is a dream!
But hey, I know why you’re here! You want to win an amazing Christmas hamper, compliments of Cum Books! We’re giving away TWO hampers, a His and a Hers, and you have until 16h00 today (Friday, 15 December) to enter!
For more deets check out these blog posts:
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How to react when someone laughs at you
So the other day, I was hanging around, minding my own business when I noticed someone making fun out of me behind my back. You guys, it shocked me so much that I had no words. And this is coming from someone who talks in her sleep. It shocked me because, firstly, hello we completed our schooling many, many years ago. What playground is this and who on earth decided we’re going to be 12 again? Secondly, why behind my back? Why not to my face? And lastly, the thing that they were gossiping about is actually such a heart sore topic for me right now; I could not even believe that someone would tease me about it.
Okay, so for those of you who have actually seen me in real life (yes, people, I’m not a robot, I actually do exist in reality), you’ll notice that I walk with a limp. The limp has always been slight and unnoticeable, but over the past few years it has become a lot more prominent. The reason why I limp is because my one leg is shorter than the other. This is due to the fact that my positioning, while I was in my momma’s womb, wasn’t normal at all. My one leg was bent under the other, in utero. This then caused the left leg to not grow at the same rate as the right leg.
Now, guys, let me tell ya, I’ve lived a pretty normal life up until this point. I feel like laughing as I’m typing this, because seriously this long leg/short leg situation did not affect my childhood at all. Like, it was a non-issue.
And then, a few years ago, I started getting a pain in my left hip. The hip pain I could deal with. But it was soon preceded by these mind numbing headaches that I swear was birthed out of the pit of hell. These throbbing headaches are so intense that it makes me nauseous and causes blurry vision. When I’m having an episode, the only way I get relief is by lying down on a flat surface (try explaining that to a suspicious husband who thinks I’m trying to pawn the kids off on him all the time) or by resting my head against something (which is not ideal in an office setting or when you’re on a stage, if you know what I mean.)
One day, after a particularly bad migraine, my chiropractor informed me that the many years of having one leg shorter than the other has had an affect on my spine. My spine is now bent (basically leaning to one side) which is not normal. This is the reason why I have permanent tension in my back and neck and, yep, it explains the mind numbing headaches.The solution? A splint in my shoe. This would be fine, except that over the past few years, the difference in length between my two legs have grown from like, 1 cm to about 4 cm. So the gap is considerably big right now. The splint would be very noticeable and probably very uncomfortable. I would also only be able to wear certain types of shoes etc.
Okay so why am I telling you all of this? I mean, besides for the fact that oversharing is kinda what I do around here. Well, the other day I caught someone making fun out of my limp, you guys. It was so ugly… they just laughed and laughed and mimicked their little minds away and I just sat there shocked, pretending not to see. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know how to stand up for myself. The comfortable Luchae would be like, “Uhhh, are you trying to mimic me, coz you’re doing a pretty terrible job, here let me show you how to do it.” But the uncomfortable, shocked, hurt me, just sat and looked, you guys. Like a child. On the playground. Being bullied. I felt like I was being bullied.
And then it dawned on me. This person actually has no idea what they are talking about. And this isn’t me being vague – they literally have not asked me about the limp at all!
If they had asked, they would know that the headaches (due to the short leg/limp) is the reason why I go quiet sometimes. It’s the reason why I don’t always participate in physical activities. It’s the reason why I don’t wear high heels often and can’t stand for long periods of time.
But they did not ask. And so they were misinformed. Humor me as I use the word “misinformed”. I have to, you see. Because no one can be that hurtful on purpose, right?It would mean that they also laugh at little kids who have down syndrome and people in wheel chairs and those who have an eye condition or a speech impediment. I just HAVE to believe that this is not the case… that these people are not really that mean/ignorant/easily amused. They probably just need a little bit of knowledge and information to help them understand my situation. Right?
Be that as it may, going through this experience reminded me that their reaction to my pain is not a reflection of ME, it’s a reflection of, well, who they are. So there’s that. Take it as you want. But more than anything, it reminded me just how ignorant I am when I mock someone else for their pain, without fully understanding their story.
My Hubstopher told me to call them out on it. But I didn’t want to. I mean, I am not a victim, and I wasn’t about to give something this ugly a pedestal. But now, in hindsight, I wonder if I should have. So here’s where you come in, friends. Please share your opinions and thoughts below, I would love to hear it.
Have you ever felt personally victimized? Can you relate? What would you have done in my situation?
Disclaimer: I do believe that God can heal my leg and I am fully expectant for a miracle.
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Christmas Crazy: I blame my family for Christmas
I blame my family for Christmas. Most of my childhood memories are centered around the festive season and you guys, this explains a lot about why I’m Christmas Crazy! I mean, growing up, Christmas was always been the BEST time of the year.
I grew up with a bunch of sweet Christmas traditions,that made it really hard to hate the season, if you know what I mean.When I was younger, Christmas usually meant new clothes (right down to the undies, yo), fresh hair, going to church in the morning and coming home to open presents and enjoy family time. In our neighborhood, the kids would go from house to house, to knock on doors and wish aunty-so-and-so a happy Christmas, with the hopes that you’d score a 50c from her. We were always loaded on Christmas day… with coins AND with food. In typical brown people style, the food was always overly excessive… 5 different types of meats, enough salads to start a Spur salad bar, and a fine selection of main courses that would rival even the best buffet restaurants. Oh and when you’re done with your seconds and thirds, there are atleast six desserts to choose from.
My grandmother would set up trestle tables in her living room – for the aunties and uncles of course. The kids would have their own table… and we didn’t mind at all. I mean, we were too busy comparing outfits and Christmas gifts and funny stories. Grandma’s Christmas tree was always the biggest and our eyes would go wide with amazement, as we spotted dozens of gifts under it. Ahh those were the times when aunties and uncles could afford to buy gifts for every single child in the family. These special gifts were placed under Grandma’s tree and, to be honest, they probably were the highlight of the day. Because, hello, you get your presents at home, and then you get even more presents at your grandmother’s house. Double score!
So yes, Christmas has always been the best time for me. I think it’s just because I love presents and food so much. Agree to disagree. Anyways, because of this, I’ve really enjoyed getting into it with my kids, as they grow older. I usually go all Christmas Crazy on the blog too.
And that’s where you come in friends. Is there something specific you’d like to read about, during this festive season? Maybe you’re looking for gift ideas for your mother in law, or perhaps you’d like a super easy Christmas cake recipe. (hmmm caaaake)… Or perhaps, like me, you just have no questions at all, you simply love this season and you want to read all about how much I love it too. Hey, that’s a blog post right there!
Fill me in, guys! Simply drop me a comment below and then keep your eyes peeled to this space as I begin to roll out the cool Christmas competitions and festive blog posts over the next few weeks!
This post was originally published in 2018 and was edited in 2020.
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Giving up is the worst thing
Hands up if you enjoy feeling like a loser. Yes, I see that ‘LOL’, I get it, no one enjoys feeling like a loser. But alas, the world is a fickle place and even if you have all your metaphorical ducks in a row, chances are you pretty much won’t win in every single area of your life, every single time. I mean, we clutch… we flop… we fail. We fall down (take a nap) and get back up again. It’s part of the process. I’m talking about the nap, but yes, the failing is important too. I mean, the failing kinda makes us great.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. And I hear you, girl. You’re thinking, hey Luchae, you shouldn’t be telling ladies that they should aim to fail. What sort of a demented psychopath are you?!
Well, firstly, calm down Harriet, there’s no need for name calling. And secondly, you’re right doll face, you should not be aiming to fail. But if you’re expecting things to be rosy and perky all the time, you’re in for a treat. And by “treat” I mean “rude awakening”.
I experienced an, uhm, rude awakening of this nature the other day and it was not pretty. I totally didn’t even put it on Instagram – it was that ugly. This rude awakening was so rude that it made me feel like giving up. Why bother continuing on this journey, if I’m doing a bad job, right?
And in that moment, I realized what those famous, clever people meant when they said that failure isn’t falling down, it’s refusing to get back up. Giving up is the worst thing.
In my moment of rude awakening, I had to remind myself of this truth. I had to pep talk Luchae into not giving up on, well, Luchae. And then I literally had to pull myself up, and make a mental decision to continue moving towards my God-given destiny… regardless of what was happening on the battlefield.
You see, the way you handle yourself during the battle reveals your true character. This is the stuff that character is made out of. It all forms part of your story. And if you consider the journey, winning or losing isn’t really thaaaat important. In fact I’ll even go as far as to say that every loss is actually a lesson anyways – our flops are actually stepping stones to something greater.
So as I sat there, staring at the very thing that was making me feel as if I suck at life, I decided to pop my collar and do what I do best. No, not eat chips and chocolate at the same time. Instead of wallowing in self pity, I decided to take the bundle of poop that is the situation and magically turn it into a bowl of ice-cream, by adding a dash of positivity, a dollop of forgiveness and a sprinkle of good intention. (I’m sorry, i don’t know why poop and ice-cream is in the same sentence).
I would be a nana head if I allowed this perceived failure to decide how I feel about myself and my future. And anyways, it does not mark the end of the road. It’s a detour. And my favorite thing about a detour (besides for stopping for a snack) is the uncharted terrain that we get to explore, as we navigate towards our destination.
I don’t know why I’m sharing this today. Maybe somebody out there on the interwebs, needs to read it. So if it’s you… if you’re sitting with a massive hurt or failure, on your heart right now… please know that your ending is far more beautiful than you can imagine. Don’t give up now.
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Life lately: I get it, I can be annoying sometimes
You know those annoying people who are bright and cheery all the time… you know, the type of people you want to throw a stapler at. Well, that’s me. I’m that person. I can be annoying sometimes. I’m bright and perky majority of the time, and I don’t know how to make it stop. Actually, I don’t think I want to make it stop. But I had a brief encounter with a major grump this week and the look of annoyance on his face, at my over the top cheeriness, literally made my inner Jessica Day cringe.
Granted, the bloke isn’t someone in my friendship circle and I fortunately don’t have to deal with him often, at work. But his annoyance at my exuberance (look at all my big words) really cut me for some reason. I even apologized to him for my excessive cheer, saying “I’m so sorry for being annoying all the time”. He grimaced in reply, his facial expression giving off feelings of: “damn straight you are!”
In hindsight, me apologizing for being perky was like me saying “I’m sorry for being who I am”. Or “I’m sorry for not being who you want me to be”. And then it got me thinking… who am I meant to be anyways? Do I want to stay true to myself or do I want to be the type of person who makes other people happy all the time.
Anyways after having a few deep conversations this week, I had a massive revelation about identity and what that even means. I realized that being who God has called me to be is far more important than making people happy or striving to be perfect.
I guess it means if I want to be joyful and cheery, while farting rainbows and glitter and singing songs about love, then that’s exactly what I should do and who I should be! But it also means that if I’m not feeling perky or if I’m not having a good day, it’s okay to show it. I mean, I often “put on the cheeriness”, even on a day when I’m not feeling cheery, because I know that’s what people expect. But by doing so, I’m not staying true to myself. I’m being what other people want me to be. It’s unnatural. It’s tiring. It’s disastrous.
Anyways, said offender emailed me a few days later and I replied with a perky “Hi there, hope you’re well!” even though his initial email did not even offer me a greeting. I was like, take that you grumpy ball of grump, kapow kapow! He probably rolled his eyes at my reply. He probably wishes I would go far away. He probably needs a hug.
And then it hit me: I’m not annoying. He is annoyed. (Kabooom, mind blown!) Just because I don’t fit into his perfect little box of “how people should behave” doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me or my personality. It just means that he needs a bigger box, maybe.
So whatever your default… whether you’re the serious one or the sporty one or the one who can quote movies. Whether you’re the over the top diva or the business minded analytical thinker or the smart mouthed mover and shaker. Whatever your personality or character traits may be, know that you are the product of a grand design. And trying to cover that up, to please other people, is like rubbing a little bit of “bland” into your uniqueness.
Putting on a mask is sooo last year anyways. Put on the mask of your face rather. Okay that’s just weird. I guess what I’m trying to say is: it’s okay to be the YOU that God created. He kinda knows what He’s doing.
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The girl I once knew
I once met a drunk girl, in a random, crowded night club bathroom. She was beautiful. And drunk. Did I say that yet? We both were. We hit it off like only girls can when they are intoxicated, swearing to be “best friends for life” and declaring “girl power” and “viva tequila” and all other sorts of nonsense that makes sense when you are inebriated. The following morning, I found out that the girl had been in a car accident, en route home from the club, and had lost her life.
My brief encounter with her left an indelible mark on my life. I mean, I had no idea who this girl was. As sentimental as I am, I did not think that a strange drunk girl, in a random, crowded night club bathroom, would effect me the way she did. To be honest, I knew nothing else about her, besides for the fact that she was beautiful and, clearly, friendly.
I did not know if she had any children or if she even wanted to have kids. I had no idea what line of work she was in, or if she was one of the many unemployed young people of this country, or if she was a student. Heck, I didn’t even know her age!I didn’t care to ask her about her family history, or the type of man she wanted to marry or if she even wants to get married. We didn’t talk about her favorite fashion designers or series or whether she eats as much carbs as I do.
She was just a stranger – a beautiful lady in a random, crowded night club bathroom – who I instantly clicked with because we both recognized the woman inside of each other. That night, I learnt the art of being exactly who I am meant to be, whether people like it or not.
The girl I once knew – the old me – would have been okay with, you know, watering myself down to suite other people’s needs. I mean, who wants to stand out like a sore thumb? Who wants to be the person that everyone is gawking at? Not me. I had too many self-confidence issues, anyways. I wanted to blend in as much as possible.But a chance meeting, with a stranger, in a random, crowded night club bathroom, opened my eyes and showed me just how short our moment on this earth is. I mean, when you witness a beautiful life here today, gone tomorrow you realize the value of time. And I don’t have the TIME to be caught up in negative feelings of inadequacy and unforgiveness. I don’t have the TIME to be anything or anyone other than who I am called to be! And I don’t have the TIME to do anything other than what I’ve been called to do. Tomorrow is not promised, what are you doing with today?
So this Woman’s Month, I’d like to encourage you ladies to be okay with standing out, if it means you are being true to yourself. Be okay with going against the grain of your family’s history and tradition, if it means you’re being who God called you to be. And be okay with MOVING ON, when you need to. Your past and your failures do not determine your worth, your purpose or your future. Find out what God has called you to do, and pursue that wholeheartedly.
WIN
These pics were taken by my very talented blogger friend Yolandi Barnard of Styles by Yolandi, as part of her Woman’s Month campaign. Landi is giving away a prize to the value of R2000, yo! To enter, simply head on over to her blog and pair up these ladies with their descriptions. Good luck! -
His ex is not psycho
If you’re a female and you’ve had your fair share of relationship drama, chances are you’ve been labelled “psycho” or “psychotic” once or twice in your life.
No doubt by a fuming ex-boyfriend who is desperately seeking bravado and/or redemption in the eyes of his easily entertained group of friends and/or his easily influenced new love interest.
I mean, he needs to let them know that he is better off without you. And the new love interest needs to know that she is, duh, a gazillion times better than you are. And, more importantly, the man needs to feel like “the man”. I get it. (Not really)
But why she got to be psycho, bruh?
And hey, new girlfriend, do you honestly believe that the irrevocable breakdown of their relationship was all due to his ex turning “Gone Girl” on him? The truth is this, ladies, his ex is not psycho.
Heartbroken, probably. Trying to heal, most likely. Still getting over the breakdown of their relationship, definitely. But psycho? I can’t say I agree.
“Why the monologue, Luchae?!” I hear you cry out in confusion and amusement. Well, allow me to explain: The other night I had a convo with a very troubled young lady who had recently been through a break up. I mean, the girl was totally cut up. But she was especially hurt that her ex referred to her as psycho. I mean, I can vouch for this girl. She is smart, beautiful, compassionate and has all her ducks in a row. On a scale of one to Joffrey Baratheon, she’s probably a -8 on the psycho barometer. I mean, she’s totally a Stark, if we’re going to talk GOT.
And yet she was called psycho by a seething ex who thought that the girl had no right to message him a week after the break up because she was hurting. He did not want her to talk to his friends. And he did not understand why she was still emotionally attached to certain things that they had shared when they were together.
Did I mention that they had been broken up for less than a month after a very lengthy relationship?
So this girl – my friend, Lady Stark – was meant to, you know, strip herself of all emotion and sentimentality the minute he decided that he was over the relationship. Lady Stark had to immediately – IMMEDIATELY – be devoid of all feelings for him regardless of the emotional investment she had poured into the relationship.
If you had to ask me (which you didn’t but here I am, still giving you my opinion), HE was acting a tad bit psychotic. HE was the psycho. I mean, come on, we are human beings and we all process differently. Maybe you need a week to get over it, but bruh, I need six months. Does that make me psychotic? No. It makes me human. You go on ahead and be the Robocop of the feelings world. But allow me to keep it real, stay true to myself and more importantly HEAL the way I need to.
Anyways, my point (I do have one, somewhere in my handbag, sorry I really need to clean this thing out) is this: Ladies, if your new boo calls his ex psycho, please ask him to stop. She does not deserve it. And neither do you. You don’t need him to insult her, in order to lift you up. And hey, even if she does some questionable things due to hosting a broken heart (don’t look at me like that, you know we’ve all been there), be gracious at all times. Be kind. Be strong enough to look past her temporary moment of weakness.
Don’t be the woman that allows a man to break another woman down! Especially when it’s uncalled for and unnecessary. We’ve given men the power to speak things over us for far too long! Well, I say: NO MORE!
At the end of the day, at some level or other, we’re all somebody’s ex… somebody’s “one that got away”… somebody’s “biggest mistake of my life”. But more than that, ladies, we’re all sisters.
Flawed, maybe. But psycho, definitely not.
